Chapter 8 - Holy Struggle

[Julie]

I ordered and received HEAL last week - I'm looking forward to starting it...that means I have to finish this book first though!

Chapter 8 was good for me to read last week - God and I started talking about food again - about what to eat - when to eat - why I'm eating when I'm eating - it was good to be back in dialogue with Him about it - it'd been too long.

The focus on choice was good to hear again - that I *have* a choice in the matter of what and when I eat. Somewhere in the midst of working through emotions and changes I think I'd forgotten that - or forgotten that I could seize a moment. I can't say that it all went stellar - it didn't - however I started to feel again like I did have a choice which is a wonderful place to be. To have the freedom of a choice.

The section on reflexive reactions vrs reflective responses was good too - I think I've been living in a world of reflexive reactions with food for a while again - where I'm eating out of old nature reflex or habit rather than being reflective on why I'm eating when I'm not at 0. Starting to talk to God again about food is an important step for me in moving back toward being reflective about my eating as opposed to reflexive.

I'll probably read the scripture that goes with the chapter over the next few days and then move onto chapter 9 - I just glanced through it and it looks like a good place for me to be reading as I go into this next week!

[ela]

Just getting started with Chapter 8, but thought to come and see what had been posted about it here first. Thanks, Julie, for what you posted here... so good to hear how you were blessed in your study of this chapter.

We're beginning the fourth and last part of the book--"Free to Love!" I like the sound of that! Love is really what it is all about for me. God IS Love. When pondering Biblical passages, I have questioned many things, but not the second part of 1 John 4:8 and 1 John 4:16 where it is written: "God is love"... no one and nothing can take that away from me, so the topic of "Free to Love" is particularly inspiring, and I am ready to accept the gift of complete freedom to love.

When I think of Christ's two commandments (which I think of a lot) about loving God and loving our neighbor as ourselves... also to love one another as He loved us... it all seems so simple and so clear... how can we break any of the 10 commandments if we are loving God and one another?

So simple, but it hasn't always been easy. The world is full of temptations that would distract us from trusting and obeying the simple commands. Furthermore, the enemy's lies would have us become confused so as to think that it isn't even possible.

So I am rejoicing as I begin to read Chapter 8--"Holy Struggle."

[lonesomeprairiewind]

Ela, thank you for sharing of this thread. I appreciate that kindness.

I had to finish reading Chapter 7 (just a few pages) and then read Chapter 8 yesterday. So much of it I underlined! Either, because it was just GOOD, or because it so applied to me, personally, and what I have seen myself do. Never really understanding what was going on. Why I seemed in a "fog". Confussed, not thinking, not feeling, only reacting.

"In the grave clothes of our addictions we react reflexively because of the unresolved pain, hurts, shame, guilt, and unforgiveness of the past. We are attempting to deny the feelings that are raging inside--demanding to be dealt with--by keeping them tightly bound. And we may think we have them under control but in fact we don't."

Dear ladies...this is what I have done! I have lived this way for over 14 years. Such a terribly long time.

I have a history of physical and sexual abuse.

All those years of "pushing it down". Keeping it in a box, I have in my mind. I felt I was "dealing" with it very well.

Then when I was married, and had 4 children (at that time), we had a series of tramatic things happen to our family. We lost the farm (bank told us to sell), our well went dry so we moved to another place and there our home was flooded by the river next to it, and our 18 mth old got lost. (Our little boy was found but this did something to me.) There was also attention from men that should not have been. All of this, brought up feelings of not being "protected", feelings of being "exposed", and not cared for. There was fear. I started (reflexively) reacting. So started my weight problems.

Having never been overweight before, this prompted feelings of shame and embarrassement. I hid. Not wanting to even go outside (and we lived in the country) for fear that others would see me. And knowing that I am a Christian they would KNOW that I didn't "have it together". And what a poor testimony that would be.

I gained, and then lost it. Then gained again, and this time it stayed.

It was never a conscious decision to "gain weight", it just happened. (And you can see why...when you don't rightly react...you would.) Though I didn't see it at the time as "protection", I did start to feel it as that. Because the attention from men...wasn't. There wasn't any more propositioning. Looking. Touching. I HATED how I looked, but I found that in the fat I didn't have to deal with the other "stuff", nor the feelings, thoughts of my past.

It is only of late that God has been revealing things to me. Showing me my "old nature" reactions. My idolatry. How I ran to "things", rather than my Father.

When something very stressful would happen, my husband didn't protect me, or I found myself in a place where I felt fulnerable...I mindlessly reacted. (Often it was like "scared running".) Looking around for protectiong/safety. Hurry!

All these years...

We are now in a church (my husband a Pastor) and things have happened that have again brought up all these overwhelming feelings of my (thought hidden) abuse. And this time I am struggling with "pushing it back in".

So. I have decided, in agreement with God, that "now is the time" to seek healing. Newness of life. Christlike living.

He is speaking to me. About so many things! About the abuse. About my way of dealing with things. He has brought to me three books, one "Thin Again", and He is using them, to speak to me.

I have started (before this chapter was read) to "stop and think". To name what it was that I was feeling at the time (usually fear) and decide, right then, a "child of the King" way of reacting.

I run to Him.

At times I will even (purposely) see in my mind a child, standing in front of her (seated) Father, looking behind herself..pointing her finger, and saying, "Look what they did! See?" And then turning back, to look into His eyes, and there seeing safety and love, she says, "Hold me Father! Hold me."

This is how I want it to be. No more false dealing with things. No more idolatry. No more pushing down emotion. No more scared running. No more REFLEXIVE reacting.

I want peaceful resting.

When things happen, I want to find that I can just put myself in His hands, in His pressense, and...rest. Safe. Without fear. Calm...in the assurance of His great love and protection, of me. His dearly beloved daughter.

It is here that I belong. And no place else.

Lonesome Prairie Wind

[ela]

Thanks for joining in on this thread, Lonesome Prairie Wind! It is wonderful to have company on this thread. No one from the online class other than me has been posting on this discussion board.

You wrote:
"In the grave clothes of our addictions we react reflexively because of the unresolved pain, hurts, shame, guilt, and unforgiveness of the past. We are attempting to deny the feelings that are raging inside--demanding to be dealt with--by keeping them tightly bound. And we may think we have them under control but in fact we don't."

Dear ladies...this is what I have done! I have lived this way for over 14 years. Such a terribly long time.

I have a history of physical and sexual abuse.

All those years of "pushing it down". Keeping it in a box, I have in my mind. I felt I was "dealing" with it very well.


Well, to be sure, you are not alone. Physical and sexual abuse is a part of my history, too. I began to face it full on many years ago, and after much therapy and many prayers, many grave clothes have been removed already. As I read the first 5 pages of this chapter, I see how far I have come and am very thankful. I also realize that there is likely more to be revealed to me as I continue to surrender more completely to God's will. Also, because I have been so given so much, much is asked of me by my Lord and Savior. I am here on this forum because I have been led here as an answer to my prayers for help with concerns with food/eating/body image. Even though I have thanked God over and over for the healing that has occurred in this area over the years, there are still grave clothes to be removed.
As I turn to God wholeheartedly, I am eating peacefully, gently, joyfully, and moderately with more consistency than I was before I found the support offered through TW--books and website. Some times, I notice the Holy Struggle between the old nature and the new nature, and I am so thankful to have fellowship and support on this journey.

I am planning on reading at least 5 pages of this chapter a day until I finish it, so I'll be posting more here as I read on.

[Julie]

The protection that comes with being overweight - I so hear that! I realized a few months ago that I don't *need* the protection of being overweight any more! For a long while I did and it served me well - now...I've grown - I've healed and am healing (and will be healing!) and the need for the protection is fading away and I am grateful.