12/08/06 Day 14 – A Jumble of Thoughts

Hi, everyone.

I have asked God to please clarify my hunger/satisfaction signals. They are muddied at times. In the past, I never had any problem with this. It seems odd that I am having difficulty with this now, when I am applying myself more wholeheartedly than ever to this approach and to giving God access completely. If you think of me, would you pray that I would know with clarity what my body is telling me, what God is telling me and that I would respond in humble obedience?

I am so tired of food being an idol. I have bowed down to it and worshipped it long enough. I really have. I have built my life around food, it seems. My choices with food have cost me so much and yet I continue to allow this, to welcome it.

Anyhow, to me, if I am carving into my life allowances for something that is destroying me the way my attachment to food has, then it simply is a god in my life. This is wrong. I mean, no duh.

God has really crystalized these thoughts for me recently. I mean really brought me to a place of brokenness about it and I ask that he keep me in that place. I don’t want to go setting up “high places” again.

I know that God is in the business of redeeming ANYthing…so all the years the locusts have eaten…he will redeem those. I know this.

“The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him. It occurs in obedience to His will as we look to Him moment by moment for inspiration and accept His equipping and His empowerment. He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives.” (page 131)

This made me think about how when the TW book was first coming out, I was fresh out of a very wounding experience. Words like “repentance” and “idol” and imagery of the promised land…all the things that _____ used to teach…I disdained them. It was like many things that were good and pure and wonderful and TRUE from God’s Word had been turned to poison in my mind because of my negative associations with them in ______.

The bottom line is, it is God’s kindness (his mercy and grace) that LEADS us to repentance!!!! When I have bowed my head at all to Him and agreed with Him that what I have been doing has not been working…and choose to turn a corner with my behavior…it is because HE has wooed me with his kindness! This is scripture. If someone has taken truths of scripture and used them to put shackles on others, it still doesn’t mean the scripture is not valuable. It is still God’s Word!

So words like repentance, obedience and the like…they are returning now to my vocabulary with regard to my food issues….probably for the first time since mid 2000! I confess this to you my sisters. Do any of you feel like I have? Like we can’t speak the truth about our choices because we have a bad taste in our mouth from ______ or some other teaching? We need to expose this…it is Satan’s ploy to keep us from inviting the Lord access to this area of our lives where we need his touch so desperately!

The book says it well at the bottom of page 131, yet still gently: “We’ve learned the hard way that living in the flesh doesn’t work. Now that we have accepted our freedom, we must begin to develop discernment and choose whether to serve the flesh or live the Spirit-led life.”

While it was for freedom that Christ set us free, we have also been told in Scripture that we must live godly lives in Christ Jesus. This same grace that brings salvation teaches us to say NO to ungodliness in any form…including greed!

As of today, I commit to speaking the truth. Ladies, my fixation on food, unwillingness to relinquish whatever it may be…it is SIN!!!!! Why am I clinging to anything so tightly, I wonder? What am I afraid of?

The most powerful thing that came home to me in Day 14 in the book was to realize that what I believe affects my actions. This is a no brainer. When I was a marathon runner, I acted like a marathon runner. When I have assumed the identity of “fat lady” I have acted like a fat lady. YUCK! I want to think of myself as a saint saved by grace, meant to fly on wings of an eagle! I just bet that will change a bunch of stuff! 🙂

I have the Holy Spirit living in me…I am now *capable* of making holy choices. I am free to choose HOLINESS. I can offer the parts of my body to God as instruments of RIGHTEOUSNESS!

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