Coming to the End of Myself – Again

I had a very hard day. I was angry, and fearful, doubtful and disheartened because I’ve been working so hard for a breakthrough, and it doesn’t seem to be happening. I felt like I was in a pitch dark room…

Where is the light switch?…  Which way do I go to turn the light on to see?

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The pain was so bad today I was in tears. And then I was mad at myself because I caused this suffering myself. I lost my foot, and now my residual limb is shooting off pain to no end. All of the decisions I made and the mistake of not taking care of myself led me to right here, right now, right where I’m at. Having a very hard day…

The devil was in my ear taunting me and pushing me right to the edge of the cliff. Fear and doubt crept in. I felt a panic attack was brewing. You know how it feels…  like you have to throw up. It just crept up on me. I was right on the verge of giving up. I thought of it…

I thought of all of the hard work I’ve done, all of the coaching calls I’ve been on, all of the videos I’ve watched, all of the journaling I’ve done, all of the books I’ve read, all of the praying I’ve done, all of the one-on-one conversations I’ve had, all of the daily affirmations and mind renewal I’ve done, all of the quiet times with God, all of the scripture reading, all of the encouragement I’ve given, the blog posts I’ve written…

And yet I STILL WANTED TO EAT!!!

It is called…  “two miles before the main gate”  …  “the darkest before the dawn…”

You get right up to the finish line and now you want to give up? Just before my breakthrough, I want to throw in the towel and just give up?

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But let’s look at this for a moment. What exactly would I be giving up? … My relationship with God? … My joy? … My peace?

It’s not really an option to give up any of those. So what makes me even think for a moment that I can?

It’s the most damaging tool in the shed. Discouragement. Pain has a way of bringing things out of me that nothing else will. I hate that God uses pain in this way.

I’ve been a tenacious person all of my life; stubborn, not willing to give up! … But now? Here I am wanting to let go because I cannot get my way.

I cannot have it both ways! I want to overeat to eat I want to eat with reckless abandon, what I want when I want it! And I also want to be thin. But I know that formula does not work for me because I’ve tried it for 50 years. I have gains tons of weight this way! It is a failed system.

I realize I’m coming to the end of myself again…  and letting go again. Today it is a tall order to let go. It is not a free-for-all. You just don’t make one drastic decision and that’s it! It is a daily, ongoing choice to choose God, to surrender to Him. You do it today, and sometimes you have to do it again (and again) the same day!

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The flesh dies so very hard, and so very slowly!!!  You don’t surrender to God just once. Living a fasted lifestyle, honoring God through being a living sacrifice is a moment-by-moment decision.

“Oh what a wretched person I am…  Who can deliver me from this body of death?” I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord! This is where the answer is! God gives us new mercies every day and I must choose to live in them!

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Post script note from the Author:
I must say I’m in  different place now from when I wrote the above,
but I believe the breakthrough has happened!
When you’ve come through and then past a breakthrough,
it’s so good to look back and see God
was working all of the time!
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Wanda Walker

(See her bio below.)

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