Me? Godless?

It hit me this morning.

I am living, for all practical purposes, as if I am godless.

How is this possible?

The past week or so, I have had difficulty processing Breezy’s diagnosis, I guess. For some reason, it has sent me into a topspin. I think it is partly because, in order to do my BEST for his care and to manage his disease effectively so he doesn’t end up foundering and in intense pain (and ultimately having to be put down), I must invest a lot of TIME (something I don’t have) and MONEY (something else I don’t have). Feeling this way makes me feel GUILTY (something I have a LOT of, it seems).

So, instead of bowing before the throne, I have gotten an edge going…a cold shoulder to God (who created Breezy and has blessed our family with him). This is a result of PRIDE.

Pride has led to PRAYERLESSNESS.

PRAYERLESSNESS is living like a GODLESS person.

For all intents and purposes, I am a practical atheist when I live like this.

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks this morning during, of all things, my quiet time.

You see, I can keep going through the motions of spending time in God’s Word, filling in the blanks in my workbooks, even parroting prayers from Stormie Omartian’s books (and even maybe praying my own) yet never really converse with the King of the Universe who wants to be invited into my life, to invade, to flood all my empty places with Himself.

I know an author I read somewhere once, mentioned this “practical atheism” view before. Was it John Piper? C.S. Lewis? I can’t remember…if you know, please let me know!

In any event, boy, was a smitten with this awareness.

God wants IN. He wants IN my every bite, my every swallow, my every word, my every thought. He wants to be my HOLY OBSESSION. He wants my blood to be “bibline” so that if I get cut out pours His truth…(well, you get the drift I trust).

While I feel like I “know” God’s Word inside and out, His precepts “like the back of my hand,” arrogance keeps this “knowing” at arm’s length. Why? I don’t have any clue. I know that it isn’t better my way apart from Him.

Somehow, I need to allow all that intellectual “knowledge” to come home to my heart. From merely a so-called intellectual “knowing” to an emotional, spiritual (and whatever else) BEING. I believe that this is vital.

I don’t want to live as if I am godless. I don’t want to make decisions apart from inquiring of the Lord or a perfunctory “Bless this choice God, because you have been silent on this for all of 2 seconds, so I am running ahead with the decision that I think you should make…so bless it, ok? Thanks.” I want to wait on Him.

To …

…… WAIT……

To wait ON……………….

To wait on HIM…………………………

Hmmm….

The 40 Years of Wandering…Part 4

A note about this multiple-part testimony: It seems so self-indulgent to me to share here on the blog all of this “All About Me” journey thing. My hope is that you will be encouraged! No matter how much “wandering” you think you have done, I am willing to bet I have done more! No matter how long you feel it has taken you to “get it” with regard to Thin Within principles, I am willing to bet it has taken me longer. No matter how many poor choices you feel you have made, I hope you can see I have made more! And *I* had a set up for “success” years ago!

So…that is why I have chosen to take the time (and space) and share this lengthy testimony with you. I truly hope that you can be encouraged. I have been the queen of failures, the master of flaky “commitments,” the expert of “good intentions!”

But God can and will turn any of it around. ALL of it matters! Rather than think it proves that I am a failure or flake, I choose to believe that it proves that God has deposited into my life investments that are now finally “maturing” (even if I am not! LOL!). Truthfully, if He can finally get through to me given all the chances I have had, then He can definitely transform ANYONE! So BE encouraged! And forgive me for going on and on with my testimony…

Letting Shame Win

Continuing from part 3…

The book project merged into another writing project through the holidays of 2001—what has now become the 12-week Thin Within Foundations Program material. As with the birthing of any work of value, there were many challenges. Looking back now, I can say it was all wonderfully worth it!

But at the time, facing the impossible tasks of writing constantly for short deadlines while trying to keep my home and homeschooling my then 8 and 10 year olds…emotionally, I was a basket case. What could have been an opportunity for growth—well, I allowed it to send me back to familiar coping mechanisms instead…plunging myself head long into overeating! Can you believe it!?

Do you find yourself gravitating toward that which is familiar–even when it is destructive? I know I do if I am not vigilant and guard against this tendency! That period was proof of that!

My journal entries at the time I was writing with Judy read like one struggling with two extremes (or what TW calls the pendulum swing). Resolved to demonstrate the freedom in practice that I knew Jesus had paid for me “in theory,” I repeatedly confessed my struggle with overeating to God and begged for His rescue. I lamented that even during my partnership with Judy Halliday—a wonderful mentor—still I hadn’t begun to live out the freedom that Jesus paid to provide for me. The feelings of defeat were, at times, absolutely overwhelming. More than ever before, I began to understand these words of the Apostle Paul:

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? (Romans 7:18-24)

The problem was, I continued to leave out verse 25 and chapter 8 verses 1 and 2 which reads:

Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!…Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

I continued to write for the Thin Within company through the first part of 2002. The book came out in Spring of 2002. We filmed the earliest videos for the company about that same time. But how was I supposed to testify about the effectiveness of the Thin Within approach when my body didn’t reflect that truth? I knew it *was* effective, but I wasn’t choosing to live according to what I knew. What kind of testimony is that? (More shame piled on…)

It is still difficult for me to see or hear that people have viewed those early TW videos…but I know God can use even a cracked pot to contain his glory!

Nevertheless, the “truth” I lived at the time wasn’t the truth I knew in my head. Shame began to return to my life more quickly than any weight I had formerly lost (which is saying a lot as the weight had returned QUICKLY).

Shame is dangerous. It causes us to isolate, to hide, and furthers our sin/shame patterns. have you found that to be true? I know now that if I have been hiding out at home and not getting out to see people as often, to evaluate my life…what is going on. Am I caught again in a shame cycle?

This, too, is written about in the Thin Again book. So much of what I had learned remained only in my head, however. The more I knew and didn’t apply, the greater my shame.

At some point, I supposed I couldn’t “handle” continuing to connect with my friends and mentors in Thin Within if I wasn’t going to change. Slowly, I drifted away from my association with the Hallidays and the Thin Within company.

In fact, I was ashamed that my name had been placed not only in the acknowledgements of the TW book, but also inside on the front page! God’s call was irrefutable. Yet I continued to resist.

Oh, dear reader…my heart is heavy as I share these details with you. I do so in the hopes that you will know that no matter how rebellious or sinful you may feel you have been or even are…I have you beat! My own rebellion is far greater!

When it comes to giving my heart and eating to the Lord, no greater love could have been given…and yet I continued to resist. So many chances. So many opportunities. Yet I began to feel as if I didn’t want my name to be associated with Thin Within or the Hallidays. I felt I would reflect poorly on the Hallidays, on Thin Within and on the Lord. I wasn’t yet living the truth that I knew was contained within the pages of the book. Shame is so deadly.

But God had a plan…

Part 5 of Heidi’s TW Testimony is here

Gratitude

For quite a while, I have known a key to “success” — spiritual, emotional, and physical — is to foster an attitude of heartfelt gratitude, praise, and thanksgiving to the Lord. It is odd to me, then, that I have not *done* what I *know* is vital. You see, no matter how I have “lost” weight in the past, it has always been pride that has been my undoing–even if it has been on the path that Thin Within endorses.

Even recently, I have seen the insidious nature of pride (again) as it creeps in so subtly. Earlier in this weight-releasing journey I would lean hard on the Lord to tell me when to stop eating and even what would be a good choice to eat. It is almost like I have now taken the things that he has graciously done for me, taught me and turned them into my own set of rules for keeping the weight off. This is rooted in pride. I need to continue to ask God, ask God, ask God. When I invite him into each moment, I foster a humble dependence on Him that not only blesses His heart (I believe), but it lifts me up as well.

Today I read day 17 in my Thin Within book. The TW group that I lead has an extra week off because of Thanksgiving, so we have two weeks to spend on days 16, 17, and 18. How fitting that day 17 is on gratitude! This morning, I spent time pondering afresh many of the blessings that God has bestowed on me. I will be posting them to my gratitude blog site (I haven’t posted there in a LONG LONG time!), but thought I would also post here.

To elaborate on the connection between gratitude and the Thin Within journey–which is really just a journey toward Christ-likeness–let me share an example from my life and see if you can’t relate.

As I eat, I may hear a conviction in my heart: “Child, enough for now. That is enough fuel for your body.”

I decide to play a game of sorts… “Did I hear you right, Lord? You said enough?” (Said as I take another bite…)

“Yes, Child. You have had all the food your body requires and I do hope you enjoyed the blessing I have provided to you.”

Taking yet another bite, I respond, “Lord, I must not be hearing you right, as I still am not at a ‘5’ on the hunger scale…” You see, in this place, I am saying *I* know best–that it is my *right* to have more food! In fact, it doesn’t matter if I am at a 5 or not. God has chosen to reveal HIS will to me…and the humble response will be obedience…not “Can we discuss it and see if I agree?” kind of obedience. It is pride that keeps me from just heeding His will and doing what He says.

In fact, it isn’t about the food at all. It is about what saying no to Him about *anything* does to my heart…it hardens my heart just a bit. Do I really want to do that?

When I *daily* spend time listing out things I am filled with gratitude to God for, it puts me in the place of humility…and Him in His rightful place–as provider, sustainer, satisfier, my all in all. How can I say NO to such a wonderful Lord? When I struggle with wanting food for any reason other than physical need, if I can choose to write out even 5 things for which I am grateful to God, I see a definite change in my attitude. I go from “I can TOO eat what I want. This little bit won’t matter after all!” to “Whatever you desire for me, God…” Again, the bite of food isn’t the point…it is the heart attitude that is.

When asked in my Thin Within book this morning to list things I am grateful for, it was easy to list a number of things:

1. For new trash cans (I know that sounds silly and I won’t explain it, but God knows!)…
2. For the cedar chest now snuggled into the bay window near our dining table (another one that God understands…LOL!)
3. For my pony, Breezy, who continues to give me wonderful rides during which I can fellowship with friends with whom I wouldn’t otherwise spend time.
4. For lunches out with my Mom–that she is fun to be with and still in good health at 82 years of age.
5. That God has removed the extra weight from my body, lowered my blood pressure, and that I no longer fear keeling over from a heart attack…
6. For the privilege of leading a Thin Within class at my church.
7. For the joy that the ladies in my TW class give me. Oh! How I LOVE them so! Lord, don’t you just love them so? 🙂
8. For Jordan, the dog we got at the shelter about 6 weeks ago…God has used him to help heal our hearts, we missed Samson and Bo so much…and still do, though Jordan helps so much. He is such a blessing!
9. That I can nap with my arms around “psycho-dog” Daisy…she is crazy much of the time, but does a good imitation of a stuffed animal when I snooze with her and cuddle with her.
10. For my mustang, Dodger’s, huge try…
11. For Harley, my Morab horse, and his incredible beauty and the joy he gives me.
12. For Doc, my big baby (another horse) …who has the most kissable nose on the planet! He is just so incredibly sweet, even though he is in such pain all the time.
13. For a husband who loves you, Lord.
14. For a family time last night of watching the movie, Amazing Grace, and even how it tied in with some of the things the kids have been learning about in our history class in homeschool! That was an unplanned blessing! (Thank you that Daniel CHOSE to join us!)
15. For the privilege of participating in the writing of the Thin Within book with Judy and Dr. Arthur…I still shake my head at how atonishing that was…is…and the continued blessings that come from that.
16. For the pre-release copy of “Raising Fit Kids in a Fat World” that Judy sent me! Oh, Lord! I can’t wait to see what you DO with this! It is sooooo reflective of your wisdom, your fun-loving nature, and joy in your Children! Thank you for the privilege of letting me participate in that project as well.
17. That my two teenagers still cuddle me, hold my hands, put their arms around me–even in public!!!
18. For the privilege of homeschooling another year…
19. For my retreat time with you, Lord, where you helped me to see YOUR priorities for my life…I have your peace as a result, even if there seems to be so much to do in the time I have.
20. For a church that preaches and teaches your Word…thank you.

These are just off the top of my head this morning…I am thankful that I have so many things that I am so thankful for! LOL! Truthfully, as I ponder all of these things…and there are so many more…it is only fitting that the Giver of such gifts is exalted, esteemed, worshipped. In this place, I can’t imagine exalting myself, my opinion, my desires above whatever He calls me to.

I am positive that one of the greatest weapons for fighting against my own rebellion, pride and/or apathy in my Christian life and in my quest to be healthy inside and out (which for me are the same thing) is choosing to give thanks, even with an act of my will…even when I don’t feel it. As I choose to give thanks, list the blessings that God has given me, I find something amazing takes place…I find that my own spirit begins to soar, be buoyant…is lifted up out of the pit.

I want to encourage all to try the same! 😀