A jumble of Thoughts

Hi, everyone.

I have asked God to please clarify my hunger/satisfaction signals. They are muddied at times. In the past, I never had any problem with this. It seems odd that I am having difficulty with this now, when I am applying myself more wholeheartedly than ever to this approach and to giving God access completely. If you think of me, would you pray that I would know with clarity what my body is telling me, what God is telling me and that I would respond in humble obedience?

I am so tired of food being an idol. I have bowed down to it and worshipped it long enough. I really have. I have built my life around food, it seems. My choices with food have cost me so much and yet I continue to allow this, to welcome it.

Anyhow, to me, if I am carving into my life allowances for something that is destroying me the way my attachment to food has, then it simply is a god in my life. This is wrong. I mean, no duh.

God has really crystalized these thoughts for me recently. I mean really brought me to a place of brokenness about it and I ask that he keep me in that place. I don’t want to go setting up “high places” again.

I know that God is in the business of redeeming ANYthing…so all the years the locusts have eaten…he will redeem those. I know this.

“The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him. It occurs in obedience to His will as we look to Him moment by moment for inspiration and accept His equipping and His empowerment. He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives.” (page 131)

This made me think about how when the TW book was first coming out, I was fresh out of a very wounding Weigh Down experience. Words like “repentance” and “idol” and imagery of the promised land…all the things that GS used to teach…I disdained them. It was like many things that were good and pure and wonderful and TRUE from God’s Word had been turned to poison in my mind because of my negative associations with them in WDW.

The bottom line is, it is God’s kindness (his mercy and grace) that LEADS us to repentance!!!! When I have bowed my head at all to Him and agreed with Him that what I have been doing has not been working…and choose to turn a corner with my behavior…it is because HE has wooed me with his kindness! This is scripture. If someone has taken truths of scripture and used them to put shackles on others, it still doesn’t mean the scripture is not valuable. It is still God’s Word!

So words like repentance, obedience and the like…they are returning now to my vocabulary with regard to my food issues….probably for the first time since mid 2000! I confess this to you my sisters. Do any of you feel like I have? Like we can’t speak the truth about our choices because we have a bad taste in our mouth from WDW or some other teaching? We need to expose this…it is Satan’s ploy to keep us from inviting the Lord access to this area of our lives where we need his touch so desperately!

The book says it well at the bottom of page 131, yet still gently: “We’ve learned the hard way that living in the flesh doesn’t work. Now that we have accepted our freedom, we must begin to develop discernment and choose whether to serve the flesh or live the Spirit-led life.”

While it was for freedom that Christ set us free, we have also been told in Scripture that we must live godly lives in Christ Jesus. This same grace that brings salvation teaches us to say NO to ungodliness in any form…including greed!

As of today, I commit to speaking the truth. Ladies, my fixation on food, unwillingness to relinquish whatever it may be…it is SIN!!!!! Why am I clinging to anything so tightly, I wonder? What am I afraid of?

The most powerful thing that came home to me in Day 14 in the book was to realize that what I believe affects my actions. This is a no brainer. When I was a marathon runner, I acted like a marathon runner. When I have assumed the identity of “fat lady” I have acted like a fat lady. YUCK! I want to think of myself as a saint saved by grace, meant to fly on wings of an eagle! I just bet that will change a bunch of stuff! 🙂

I have the Holy Spirit living in me…I am now *capable* of making holy choices. I am free to choose HOLINESS. I can offer the parts of my body to God as instruments of RIGHTEOUSNESS!

Have to run.
Have a great day!
Heidi

No Shame!?

Now I know beyond any shadow of any doubt that God is doing a NEW THING! If I doubted it before, I can doubt no more.

In the Thin Within book, there has always been one thing that has been almost impossible for me to do…that is the “Mirror Mirror” exercise in Day 5. Even when I was first introduced to the material years ago and we were editing the manuscript…I couldn’t do it. The shame was just overwhelming. If you have the book, you will see the testimonies there…mine is similar to those shared, only I could not, for the life of me get past this exercise. I knew God WANTED me to be able to walk free of shame and complete (and learn from) the exercise. I KNEW he wanted me to be reconciled to my body. But it never happened.

Until today.

This morning, I completed day 4 and realizing what was ahead (Day 5 and this exercise) I knew I would have to plan to do it when the time was right. I didn’t want to put it off.

Basically, the exercise challenges the reader (me, in this case) to prayerfully look in the mirror and get to know my current body…by looking and touching…but doing so prayerfully praising God for all the ways my body has been used to serve God and other people. The hope is, of course, to be reconciled to my physical body, but also to have a clear view of how my body looks and feels now, so I can see the changes that occur when I compare again in 30 (or more days).

I have never been able to truly do this. I FORCED myself once and it was just too brutal for words.

So, when the kids were busy with school today, I stole some time. All was well. I began and it flowed. BEAUTIFULLY. Without going into all the details, I was able to praise God for the way He has used each part of my body for me to enjoy life, to serve Him, to serve others. I also was able to dispassionately view each part, touch each and evaluate…”Hmmm…my arms are a bit flabbier than I EVER remember them.” While this can be disheartening to one who has always had strong arms, I know that they are still strong, just carrying extra fat. That will change in time. It was really strange to literally withhold judgment. That isn’t my typical “M.O.”

I had two other experiences today that show God’s care in my life. I won’t go into details, but He has definitely been walking with me as I have returned to this path. It is the path that leads home. I know it well. It is familiar and yet this time it seems filled with such newness. I am so very relieved to be here, too.

Continuing…Pressing on and In to Him

God is faithful. Miracles never cease! I wonder at this change in my heart. God had to overcome some very serious obstacles. But he has caused me to literally be done with excuses for the past 4 weeks.

He used someone who loves horses and the Lord to invite me to faithfulness. I won’t go into that story now after all, as it was apparently just a stepping stone to get me where he now has me, walking again with Him, but…well….this is different. I wish I understood it.

In a way, I hope it is indication that he has delivered me. Dare I hope that? Hmm…

One thing God brought to my heart powerfully was that when I continue to indulge my fleshly lusts without regard for what my body needs (less food), I am indulging sinful lusts similar to the sex addict. I was living in fear that I would go to an early grave due to a heart attack or other obesity related reasons. I wondered what my husband would do to take care of our children (whom I homeschool). What would he do for our home, the horses and dogs? He would have a truckload of things to deal with.

That is when it struck me…this is what happens when the sexual addict continually indulges *his* lusts….families are torn apart. Maybe not by death, but in some ways, the aftermath is very similar…single parents left to figure out how to fill the holes in the lives of the children and home.

Boy, did that convict my heart.

Since that realization, I have been more motivated to fix my eyes on Jesus and the goal of bringing my body, the temple of the Holy Spirit, to as healthy state as possible.

It helps to find that Judy had me on her heart yet again…we are in communication again and I hope to be able to help her with the new thing that is LITERALLY going on with Thin Within!

First Day in a Long time

I am going to be posting some things that I sent to the Thin Within Support list. I would like to have a chronicle of my journey all in one spot. So some of these posts are older…from before I started this blog, if that makes sense! LOL!
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God has been showing me just how many old (bad) habits I have returned to. Yesterday was my first full-fledged day of being willing to submit to eating between the parameters of hunger and fullness in a LONG time! I found myself mindlessly grabbing a catalog to read at the table while eating and realized that I needed a chance to enjoy my meal with God as my only company, not a silly catalog!

Focusing on what I was eating with a grateful heart helped me stop when I wasn’t hungry any more! YAY! If I had been reading that catalog, I am sure I would have “cleaned my plate” which was a partial portion from a previous dinner out. Thing was…even a partial portion of a previous dinner out was too much food. Thankfully, my brain was engaged and my heart was willing to submit when I had had enough. This is a big victory for me. Even caring is a big victory, I must admit.

The entire day wasn’t perfect, certainly, but three steps forward and one back is still progress! I can observe and correct by God’s grace!

Have a wonderful day.
Heidi