The thing about blabbing to the world via a blog or Facebook or the Thin Within forums, is that the “world” may be watching to see what happens next. I have this very real sense…arrogant and erroneous as it may be…that the peanut gallery awaits, wondering how I did with my self-required fasting of sweets through Christmas Eve and…well…now what?
So here is my “report.” (Sound of the “tooting of own horn” may be heard in the background…)
Through Christmas Eve, I did “well.” Not perfectly, but almost completely without sweets. I did feel like I lived up to my promise to the Lord pretty well. (More tooting of own horn…)
…SPLAT!!!!!!….
Pride comes before a fall. So the sound you just heard (following the “tooting of own horn”) is that of a face plant…yes, my own…firmly…
Had you seen me yesterday, you would have thought that I was a raving lunatic…anything and everything that had any sugar content in it at all was eagerly “inhaled” outside of appropriate boundaries. I was a crazed person. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t feel insane…but my actions betray my mental capacity at the time…Scratch that. I can’t blame it on being “insane” or a deficient mental capacity. I knew exactly what I was doing. And I had an “in your face” prideful attitude about it toward God and anyone who would dare to cast a “knowing” look my way at all!
No, I don’t feel like it was a “deprivation” reaction at all. I felt no deprivation through the 10 days (or so) that I fasted sweets. I felt peace and joy.
I think it was, simply, PRIDE.
Today’s lesson in The Lord’s Table workbook is called “Key to Victory–Ongoing Humility.”
This is one of the things that I have found to be VERY true, in fact, on this journey to release weight, to release attitudes that don’t honor the Lord, and to continue to grow in Him in a way that enables me to honor him with my eating, drinking…and, well, LIFE! If I don’t obtain and maintain and attitude of humility, all is lost for that moment, that hour, that day…
That is what happened to me yesterday.
I share this by way of confession.
Pride causes my guard to be down. I end up “trusting myself” that I can “handle it.” Combine that with an attitude of “God you are so blessed that I would honor you with my life! I have just really impressed you, haven’t I!”
Then, I minimize eating anything at all outside of 0 and 5…and in my case, God has shown me clearly that this is an attitude of pride. (Well, duh…one doesn’t need to be brilliant to see that!)
Once pride is allowed to grow unhindered in any moment at all, it goes nuts like the blackberry brambles I wrote about last summer…it takes over. Like it did for me yesterday until I was literally inhaling all the sugar that was in the house…and that at my relatives’, too. Homemade chocolate truffles, apple pie, peanut butter cup ice cream, lemon bars, homemade cinnamon rolls, Sees candy…and on and on it seems to go. Can you believe it?
So this lesson this morning in TLT workbook, really came home to me. I know this is truth. I have experienced it over the last 2 years and I saw it up close and personal yesterday.
Now we understand what we did wrong, and we get back on our knees (the Christian’s fighting position), humble ourselves before the Lord and ask Him once again for forgiveness and grace. We see how bankrupt we are in ourselves, how needy we are of the Lord, and how dependent we are on Him to win this battle…
Right here, in this position, is where we will win this battle. Right here, in the presence of Almighty God, with our hearts bowed in submission to Him, with the stark realization that we can do nothing apart from Him, is where the flesh loses all its power and where we gain true spiritual strength to mortify the members of our body which are on the earth (Romans 8:13). This attitude of “Help me God lest I perish” and “Give me Jesus or I’ll spin out of control” is the attitude that will win this battle for a lifetime.
(TLT, p. 146-147)
The lesson goes on to describe how one can foster an attitude of humility. This is a great lesson–one of the best in the workbook.
What are ways I will proceed to foster an attitude of humility?
1.) Be sure to begin the day with focused time with the Lord, recommitting myself to His Lordship, taking in His Word, inviting the conviction of the Spirit, time of prayer.
2.) Practicing gratitude through my gratitude blog – It is impossible for pride to continue when I praise God for what He has done and is doing in my life.
3.) For a while, I will choose to add an additional focused time with the Lord in my life…even if it is just 10 minutes…in the mid-afternoon. I begin the day with a posture of humility and then by mid-day I operate as a practical atheist 🙁 acting independently of the Lord and His will.
4.) I will continue to use the 60-60 experiment from Soul Revolution to reconnect with God each hour. I will choose to stop whatever I am doing and intentionally recommit to the Lord’s authority in my life, stating affirmations such as, “Lord, I acknowledge you are the potter and I am the clay. I choose YOUR will in this moment.”
5.) I may need to build a weekly fasting day into my life…or every so often anyhow. I know that a single day fasting of food altogether is something God has used powerfully in my life in the past…not for the purpose of weight loss…or maintenance, but for prayer, to help me be dependent on him. When I am hungry, I sense better than ever that I am at his mercy and have such great need of him. The spiritual fruit from a day spent that way seems to go on.
Lord, I confess that my pride got me into trouble yesterday. I thank you for your forgiveness. In my arrogance, I strutted around, patting myself on the back for having “fasted sweets” for a period of time…Lord, I know that even wanting to do that was your doing in my life. Your strength and power enabled me to do so…it had nothing to do with anything in myself. Yet I allowed myself to consider defective, faulty thoughts of self-glorification. It got me into trouble and my heart was revealed for what it was. I am so thankful for grace, Lord. I resolve to live differently today. I affirm that you are the potter, I am the clay. Have your way with me, Lord. Not my will, but thine be done.
NEW!
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I ate beyond full yesterday. I made it through Chrismas Eve, but yesterday was a different story. I waited for hunger, but then I beyond 5. Probably a 6 1/2 or 7. Compared to Christmas 2007, that is a rocking improvement, but I know that I should not have eaten beyond full. Like you, Heidi, I think pride may be my downfall.
Your Christmas Day experience of ‘inhaling’ anything with sugar outside 0-5 boundaries reminded me of soooo many of my post Christmas binges. Because I had many previous experiences with bingeing on sweets, I tried to minimize or entirely avoid what I ate during holiday celebrations with my husband or others. During some Christmas seasons, I felt more comfortable entirely abstaining from sweets. Like you, I didn’t feel deprived. I was happy to satisfy my hunger with all the ‘healthier’ foods. Nevertheless after Christmas, usually after my husband returned to work the following week (and maybe I felt lonely), something triggered me to binge on all the foods I watched him eat, but didn’t let myself enjoy.During other years I tried to let myself have modest portions of sweets only at meals, only when eating with other people. However, I KNOW I enjoy eating alone more than with others because I can better focus on the taste, textures, and going from hungry to satisfied, when I eat foods which taste good. So even after letting myself eat modest portions of sweets with others during the holidays, I usually binged at least once on all those sweet holiday treats, which I had allowed myself to eat only with others and only in moderation during the holidays. SOOOO this year I’m choosing to enjoy meal-size portions of special holiday treats, like having pancakes with syrup and bacon for dinner, or having a large serving of mocha almond fudge icecream for dessert after dinner, or a gingerbread man cooky for dessert after dinner. The first time I ate each of those foods during the past week I DID eat past satisfaction. I have so little experience eating those foods I didn’t know how much I needed to satisfy hunger. Because I don’t eat those foods very often (and have abstained from sweets at other times in my life), I didn’t want to stop at ‘satisfaction’. So I ate until ‘full’ the first time. The second time I had that ice cream I ate a tiny portion and felt satisfied. So I plan to eat more cooky for dessert or pancakes for a meal very soon, just to reassure myself that I can eat those foods moderately (0-5), but also that I won’t deprive myself.However I believe I was suffering from some ‘deprivation’ or ‘fast and feast’ or even ‘good/bad’ food mentality when I overate those foods the first time this season. I’m definitely not overweight. However I have lots of allergy restrictions, which I obsessively obey, because those foods cause days of painful symptoms. Nevertheless I also have ‘good/bad’ food thinking about foods which are low in fiber (because I have regularity issues) or high in natural sugars (because my ND thought my regularity issues were caused by candida). However I treated for candida for 3 months. So although I don’t believe candida still affects my but, I still have lingering fears about sweet foods. I suspect those 2 sources of good/bad food rules (candida and low fiber foods affecting irregularity) keeps me in a ‘diet mentality’ even with my non allergen ‘safe’ foods.So this year I’m trying to allow myself to enjoy any foods to which I don’t react with painful symptoms (allergens or intolerances like sorbitol), which I consider my total rejects. This year my goal is to eat as normally as I can with 7 food allergies. I’m never tempted to binge on my food allergens, because I KNOW those cause painful reactions. So I suspect my previous binges on non allergen foods are related to my beliefs about those foods. I hope that allowing myself to eat those foods in moderation will let me experience how those foods taste, feel in my body and keep me satisfied. Then I can decide from normal eating experiences, rather than binges, whether those sweet foods are pleasers, teasers, whole body pleasers or total rejects.
I strayed from my commitment to the Lord this week too. I had just posted about it when I came here and read this post. Thanks for honestly sharing and being humble. Not that I wish my own struggles on anyone else, but it helps to know I am not alone. ((hugs))
OOPS! That should say “although I don’t believe candida still affects my GUT” … NOT ‘my but’ LOL Still I got a good laugh from rereading my post and hope you did, too. Also in my 2nd to last paragraph, I meant to say I’m trying to enjoy foods which are NOT allergen foods (which are my total rejects) … Didn’t mean to imply I’m trying to enjoy or eat my total rejects. I certainly need to proofread before I click ‘post’. Oh well, hope my mistakes entertained you.
Heidi,I’m sorry you “splatted”…and I know exactly how that feels. Please know that I prayed for you today to start over again, afresh in Him. I also rejoiced in your suffering (it’s biblical!) because I want His hope for you to not feel shame. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5Oh Heidi, please do not feel shame…shame is from the enemy. Remember, HOPE (Jesus) does NOT put us to shame. I will pray for you and the corrections you’ve decided to put into place. The way I see it, you are still growing in Him, and that’s good. Really good. Thanks for your honesty.
Right here, in this position, is where we will win this battle. Right here, in the presence of Almighty God, with our hearts bowed in submission to Him, with the stark realization that we can do nothing apart from Him, is where the flesh loses all its power and where we gain true spiritual strength to mortify the members of our body which are on the earth (Romans 8:13). This attitude of “Help me God lest I perish” and “Give me Jesus or I’ll spin out of control” is the attitude that will win this battle for a lifetime. This brought tears to my eyes. I hear the Lord also calling me to dig deeper into Him, a more intimate walk with Him, to spend more time in His Word, like you, even if it is 10 minutes more, but I NEDD to spend more time with Him….((hugs))
Heidi, I want to thank you for being so honest. Like someone else said,, it helps to know that I am not alone. Also, thanks for the advice concerning the scales that you gave me on the Thin Within Forums. God bless.