I have to laugh! Titling this post “Holy Struggle – Part 1” is definitely a misnomer! This entire JOURNEY has been a “holy struggle!” So calling this post “Holy Struggle Part 32,039” might be a better fit! LOL!

I continue to make my way through Get Thin Stay Thin by the Hallidays. I am on Chapter 8 which is titled “Holy Struggle.”

When we feel and acknowledge the pain and the hunger, we immediately expect food…GTST, p. 166

The past two blog entries I have spoken about processing things, allowing myself to FEEL the pain of unresolved issues, current or past, and asking God how HE wants me to deal with them. I do this so that I process them in a godly way and cease from “short-circuiting” his intentions, allowing Him to work his will in my life. Doing this is painful. I feel the silent hunger of my heart that I have been stifling for so long. And I see my tendency to grab food, or a “soothing” hot chocolate beverage or to distract my mind by working on the internet (I do graphic and website design).

…this is the essence of addictive behavior–turning to the quick fix when the emotions are high, when the pain is throbbing. We try to anesthetize those feelings with food. GTST, p. 166

How true. I know the futility of doing this. Do you? The food may seem to make it better for a short while, but truthfully, whatever it is God wants to do in my life is derailed and then has to be revisited. In supposedly avoiding it…again, I merely prolong the inevitable. He will bring yet another situation to my life to allow those same feelings to surface. Often, this causes that “triggering” thing that I mentioned in my previous post…how much easier it would be if I would allow Him to work His will in my life now instead of running from it…even if it hurts.

…so when God says, “Wait,” or, “Be patient, I am feeding you,” often our response is, “Well, great, but it’s not what I ordered.” We struggle against God’s request for patience because everything in us is saying, “NO! This hunger doesn’t feel good. It hurts and I want to feel better right now! Feed it!” GTST, p. 166

Oh how well I can relate to this…in a big way. I want everything to be ok, for my home to be in order, for my life to be ok, the kids happy and plugged in to life with others. I don’t want to wait when I feel pain. It seems so counter-intuitive. Lord, please help me to wait on you.

It becomes a holy struggle simply to choose not to put something between ourselves and that pain, between ourselves and another person, between ourselves and God. Holy struggle is choosing to deal with the pain, not to give in to our old addictions and not to develop new ones. GTST, p. 166

God has been doing such a major process with me in all of this. Right now, as I face going to the doctor, I face into the potential for being shamed by her in which case I will end up giving her a piece of my mind (speaking the truth in love…HA! Yeah, right!). I would rather NOT go to the doctor than face this fear and possible shaming experience. I struggle with feeling shame enough as it is. Instead, I need to cling to the Lord and hold his hand through it. I need to realize ahead of time, that if the doctor tries the shaming thing, it WILL likely trigger unresolved issues. I need to welcome that as an opportunity to process these afresh, with the LORD, HIS will HIS WAY, through all of those memories and experiences.

However, I would rather RUN and pacify myself with talk of going to her later after I’ve found a way to get these extra pounds off that I have “found” again…see there? It is still about performance…God is allowing this season of my life so I can break free from that and he is working with me on it SO much, but I still wear the pounds “found” again like a badge of DIShonor…good grief! Years of doing that are hard to shake. If I can’t run (and I can’t), I want to numb myself to this feeling of being trapped…

It IS a holy struggle. I must surrender. I think instead of fighting and writhing around about it, I need to rest…stop fighting what God wants to do. Allow His Spirit in me to rise up and flow in and through my weakness…Do it, Lord…please do it…