² The nations will see your righteousness,
       and all kings your glory;
       you will be called by a new name
       that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.

 ³ You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand,
       a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

 ⁴ No longer will they call you Deserted,
       or name your land Desolate.
       But you will be called Hephzibah, ^[a]
       and your land Beulah ^[b] ;
       for the LORD will take delight in you,
       and your land will be married. 

– Isaiah 62: 2-4

a. Hephzibah means my delight is in her .  
b. Beulah means married .

I feel like such a poser…a fake, a fraud! I am going to a writer’s conference at the end of the month–someone has blessed me by paying my way. (God has blessed me through her.) It is my first writer’s conference. I am excited, of course. So, I got advice about how to make the most of it and it included getting business cards and a website and yada yada.

So when FedEx delivered the package of business cards the other day, I eagerly pulled out a sample and something just overwhelmed me… “Fraud! Poser! Fake!”

Just so you know I am *not* nuts, this is the layout of the business card:

Ok, do you see what I mean? “Author?” “Speaker?” “Worship Leader?” Good grief! Who am I trying to KID!

I mean, yes, I DO those things, but do they reflect what I am? I hardly think so.

I sensed the Spirit of God convicting my heart…. “Child if you struggle so much with embracing my calling on your life while you walk this earth, is it no small wonder that you struggle with embracing the ‘so much more’ that I have declared you to be: You are ‘My precious one,’ ‘My royal priesthood,’ ‘A new creation,’ ‘My Bride,’ ‘My holy, set apart one?'”

He is right. Of course.

Yes, God has called me to write and things I have written have been published. Yes, he has called me to speak and, yes, I do lead worship, but somehow, I felt like it was wrong to act like this wasn’t just a “fluke”–a mistake, not really happening. Like it is an accident that something I wrote got published or if people really knew me they would never invite me to speak to their group…or to lead worship.

How much more do I consider it a “fluke” that God declares me holy and righteous in his sight and that, in love, he predestined me to be adopted as his precious daughter? (Ephesians 1)

The bottom line is that I don’t believe God! Wow. This is huge. I have worked on this for years, yet here I am, still stuck in my disbelief. What I believe shapes my behavior…so if I believe that I am not the things that HE declares that I am, in a very real way, I also am not believing what He says about HIM. All of these things shape my behavior and shape my character, too!

I read in advice to people going to writer’s conferences, “The best way to be an author is to act like one.” Hmm…I suppose this could be true, too… “The best way to be a freeman–a captive now set free–is to ACT like one!” Wow.

Lord, please forgive me for not believing you. I am convicted. Thank you for the callings you have placed on my life here on earth, to speak, to write, to lead worship. I thrill when I have the chance to do that. Help me to reject the accusations of the enemy who wants me to curl up in shame and render me impotent…to never dare to stand to serve you again in any way shape or form. He wants me so inside myself that I never believe that you would flow through me into the lives of others. Lord, forgive me for believing lies and rejecting YOUR truth. Lord, I see that this has even affected my journey to live free from unworkable beliefs relative to obsessions with my body, food, dieting, exercising, etc. It is like I walk around saying, “I’m not really free…” and then I live proving it to myself. Maybe not in ways that are so obvious like they used to be…but nevertheless. I invite you to transform my belief system, Jesus. I want to believe YOU. Not just in you, but YOU and what YOU say and have said about yourself and about me. In your precious name, Amen.