The fog has cleared. I look around, taking stock. 
How did I get here? I wonder.
How did I stray so far from where the Lord had brought me?
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There can be no doubt that the past 18 months have brought uncharted difficulties in my life–like a raging sea with occasional calm:
  • Facing an 86 year old Mom who, one day engages in conversation and the next looks at me with confusion, and cries: “Where is mother?” Has opportunity for restoration passed?
  •  Evaluating the ramifications of an empty nest as my “biggest fan” heads off to Wheaton College in the fall…Lord, is she ready? Have I taught her enough?
  • Putting the pieces of a 27-year-long marriage back together after the demon of depression had it’s way with my best friend and hero for 15 months. How can I trust again, Lord?
  •  Wondering what will become of my socially challenged son as he, too, heads off (against his will) to Montana Wilderness School of the Bible to experience community and whatever God has for him there. Will he ever be “normal,” Lord?

 And with these challenges (and more) have returned old habits that I thought (in pride) were ancient history. Apparently not. Try as I might to deny it, what I see is that I have turned back to food once again to be my “comforter.” I have turned a cold shoulder and shaken a fist at the Lord who loves me with an attitude of entitlement and rebellion: I deserve better!

I struggle with defeat.  

I am supposed to be beyond this. I lead Thin Within classes! I write material for the company! Sheesh! I even have one of the best literary agents in the business and new plans for a book to help women on this journey….and yet, here I am…struggling with this…again? Or is it STILL, Lord? How can I pretend to have anything to offer others when I am here? Worse…how can YOU stand me!? I can hardly stand myself! Such hypocrisy!

I go to the Word of God. Renew my mind, Lord.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them;
   he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for men. 
~ Psalm 107:19-21  

God lovingly leads me to ancient pages. Such wisdom, such love, such grace and mercy flow off of the page, dripping, it seems into the ache of my heart. Forgive me, Lord. I have looked to counterfeits for what only you can give. You alone hold the answers and Comfort I need. Thank you for your unfailing love, for your kindness and all you do for me…

Deuteronomy soothes me:

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, 
you will find him if you look for him 
with all your heart and with all your soul. 
When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, 
then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him. 
For the LORD your God is a merciful God; 
he will not abandon or destroy you 
or forget the covenant with your forefathers, 
which he confirmed to them by oath.
 ~ Deuteronomy 4:29-31
Today, is a day to return and obey. I have a merciful, loving God who doesn’t abandon me, even in my rebellion. He intends these trials to lead me to greater reliance on Him. Today, I will cooperate with Him. I will link arms with Him. I will walk with Him.
How about you? Is it time to take stock? Have you been using food for something other than what it is intended? Is God beckoning, wooing you back to Himself?