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- Facing an 86 year old Mom who, one day engages in conversation and the next looks at me with confusion, and cries: “Where is mother?” Has opportunity for restoration passed?
- Evaluating the ramifications of an empty nest as my “biggest fan” heads off to Wheaton College in the fall…Lord, is she ready? Have I taught her enough?
- Putting the pieces of a 27-year-long marriage back together after the demon of depression had it’s way with my best friend and hero for 15 months. How can I trust again, Lord?
- Wondering what will become of my socially challenged son as he, too, heads off (against his will) to Montana Wilderness School of the Bible to experience community and whatever God has for him there. Will he ever be “normal,” Lord?
And with these challenges (and more) have returned old habits that I thought (in pride) were ancient history. Apparently not. Try as I might to deny it, what I see is that I have turned back to food once again to be my “comforter.” I have turned a cold shoulder and shaken a fist at the Lord who loves me with an attitude of entitlement and rebellion: I deserve better!
I struggle with defeat.
I am supposed to be beyond this. I lead Thin Within classes! I write material for the company! Sheesh! I even have one of the best literary agents in the business and new plans for a book to help women on this journey….and yet, here I am…struggling with this…again? Or is it STILL, Lord? How can I pretend to have anything to offer others when I am here? Worse…how can YOU stand me!? I can hardly stand myself! Such hypocrisy!
I go to the Word of God. Renew my mind, Lord.
and he saved them from their distress.
he rescued them from the grave.
and his wonderful deeds for men.
God lovingly leads me to ancient pages. Such wisdom, such love, such grace and mercy flow off of the page, dripping, it seems into the ache of my heart. Forgive me, Lord. I have looked to counterfeits for what only you can give. You alone hold the answers and Comfort I need. Thank you for your unfailing love, for your kindness and all you do for me…
Deuteronomy soothes me:
WOW! Heidi, God causes us to listen to you because you walk WITH us. Praying for you as you face family challenges.
WOW! Heidi, God causes us to listen to you because you walk WITH us. Praying for you as you face family challenges.
Hey, everyone. For some reason, my Intense Debate module–the one I use for comments–doesn't seem to be working! Some of you commented and I approved your comments, but they nevertheless aren't posting here. Please know I didn't DELETE or REJECT your comments. I am looking into it. If you email me at heidi at heidibylsma dot com I can forward you your comment and you can try again (I have them in email notifications from Intense Debate). I would welcome that.
Hey, everyone. For some reason, my Intense Debate module–the one I use for comments–doesn't seem to be working! Some of you commented and I approved your comments, but they nevertheless aren't posting here. Please know I didn't DELETE or REJECT your comments. I am looking into it. If you email me at heidi at heidibylsma dot com I can forward you your comment and you can try again (I have them in email notifications from Intense Debate). I would welcome that.
I don't really know how I found your blog. I can only say God led me here. I started Thin Within 5 days ago after rejecting it for over a year. I happened to click on something while looking around on the Thin Within website and I have been reading your old posts for the past 3 days…starting withposts from 2006. I cannot comprehend God's love…that he would show me your site so I could see that even though you have struggled you have kept going. I have been wallowing for 3 years after being "kicked out" of Weigh Down Workshop and Remnant Fellowship after questioning some of the teaching. My heart has been broken and I have felt so confused and utterly lost during this time trying to regain a closeness with God that I once had. So much of what I learned while involved there has left me confused….without direction or hope. I have felt so incredibly hopeful these past 5 days. I can see truth again. God is ABSOLUTELY using your testimony as encouragement to my heart. Thank you for taking the time to record it all and allow others to read it. Thank you!
I don't really know how I found your blog. I can only say God led me here. I started Thin Within 5 days ago after rejecting it for over a year. I happened to click on something while looking around on the Thin Within website and I have been reading your old posts for the past 3 days…starting withposts from 2006. I cannot comprehend God's love…that he would show me your site so I could see that even though you have struggled you have kept going. I have been wallowing for 3 years after being "kicked out" of Weigh Down Workshop and Remnant Fellowship after questioning some of the teaching. My heart has been broken and I have felt so confused and utterly lost during this time trying to regain a closeness with God that I once had. So much of what I learned while involved there has left me confused….without direction or hope. I have felt so incredibly hopeful these past 5 days. I can see truth again. God is ABSOLUTELY using your testimony as encouragement to my heart. Thank you for taking the time to record it all and allow others to read it. Thank you!
Wow, Christine. Thank you so much for taking the time to post. God IS faithful. It is a tremendously long process. I suppose it will take us until we get to heaven! Hang in there, dear one!
Wow, Christine. Thank you so much for taking the time to post. God IS faithful. It is a tremendously long process. I suppose it will take us until we get to heaven! Hang in there, dear one!
Wow Heidi! We are on the same page. I didn't blog it, but did email my confession to my TW group, and God's loving, embracing hug. This 7th week lesson on faith echoed my struggle–isn't God good!Praying for you and yours. Luv, Cheryl
Wow Heidi! We are on the same page. I didn't blog it, but did email my confession to my TW group, and God's loving, embracing hug. This 7th week lesson on faith echoed my struggle–isn't God good!Praying for you and yours. Luv, Cheryl
You have challenges in your life right now and I hear what you are saying about rebellion but the thought crossed my mind that rebellion sounded harsh to me. I thought about Peter who bew it after he walked with Jesus on a daily basis as one of the three disciples thar were the closest to Jesus and in the end he was restored by kindness and gentleness from Jesus. Grace was extended to him and Jesus said to him: go and feed My sheep. May you find His comfort in you challenges. Maybe God wants can take you to a deeper revelation of the nurturing and comfort of t he Holy Spirit . I know He has done great things for you in the past but ther is always more of The depth He wants to take us into His character. May you find Comfort in His divine embrace today.
You have challenges in your life right now and I hear what you are saying about rebellion but the thought crossed my mind that rebellion sounded harsh to me. I thought about Peter who bew it after he walked with Jesus on a daily basis as one of the three disciples thar were the closest to Jesus and in the end he was restored by kindness and gentleness from Jesus. Grace was extended to him and Jesus said to him: go and feed My sheep. May you find His comfort in you challenges. Maybe God wants can take you to a deeper revelation of the nurturing and comfort of t he Holy Spirit . I know He has done great things for you in the past but ther is always more of The depth He wants to take us into His character. May you find Comfort in His divine embrace today.
I enjoy the Wednesday chat. I'm not in a Thin Within group. Please continue after were done with this book. Thank you
I enjoy the Wednesday chat. I'm not in a Thin Within group. Please continue after were done with this book. Thank you
I can totally relate with living in rebellion and not living in the freedom I believe I once had. I will continue to pray for you and please know the Hope that God give us.Megan
I can totally relate with living in rebellion and not living in the freedom I believe I once had. I will continue to pray for you and please know the Hope that God give us.Megan
Heidi, I too am struggling with a broken, torn-to-pieces heart. My husband, the love of my life, was also captured by a spirit of depression and worthlessness in the last 5 years. He succumbed to suductions from a 29 year old Turkish woman that we were letting live in our house for a short while last April. I was devistated, and still am, as he will not stop communicating with her. I know that the Lord is allowing this for a lot of different reasons… my closeness to Him is unsurpassed in my life, and I've felt actual heart-break over things that I myself have done to others in my life (never really felt a true repentance about)… I just want to tell you that I sooooooooo sympathize, even though I don't know the details of your life. The Lord WILL work in us in these times of heartbreak. One result in me, is that I HATE DIVORCE… I HATE ADULTRY and all that it does to all involved… until you're on the receiving end, there's no words that can express the pain. I know now why He hates divorce and unfaithfulness, betrayal…. just the worst. Another huge thing that the Lord has showed me, is how to love someone who has, and who currently IS, doing you wrong. The Lord has kept me from being a raging maniac, from throwing my husband out, etc… but instead, has shown me to love, with 1 Cor 13 rattling through my brain daily. Anyway, I'll pray for you.. pray for me, please? And most of all, pray for Ray, my husband… he needs it more than me. Most of all, be holy, as He is holy. You can't lose by chosing that route.Love you, sister…Martha
Heidi, I too am struggling with a broken, torn-to-pieces heart. My husband, the love of my life, was also captured by a spirit of depression and worthlessness in the last 5 years. He succumbed to suductions from a 29 year old Turkish woman that we were letting live in our house for a short while last April. I was devistated, and still am, as he will not stop communicating with her. I know that the Lord is allowing this for a lot of different reasons… my closeness to Him is unsurpassed in my life, and I've felt actual heart-break over things that I myself have done to others in my life (never really felt a true repentance about)… I just want to tell you that I sooooooooo sympathize, even though I don't know the details of your life. The Lord WILL work in us in these times of heartbreak. One result in me, is that I HATE DIVORCE… I HATE ADULTRY and all that it does to all involved… until you're on the receiving end, there's no words that can express the pain. I know now why He hates divorce and unfaithfulness, betrayal…. just the worst. Another huge thing that the Lord has showed me, is how to love someone who has, and who currently IS, doing you wrong. The Lord has kept me from being a raging maniac, from throwing my husband out, etc… but instead, has shown me to love, with 1 Cor 13 rattling through my brain daily. Anyway, I'll pray for you.. pray for me, please? And most of all, pray for Ray, my husband… he needs it more than me. Most of all, be holy, as He is holy. You can't lose by chosing that route.Love you, sister…Martha
Just one more thought… a song that got me through last summer is Stephen Curtis Chapman's "Our God is in Control". It's a tear-jerker for someone in our situation, but it touched my heart that He IS in control.
Just one more thought… a song that got me through last summer is Stephen Curtis Chapman's "Our God is in Control". It's a tear-jerker for someone in our situation, but it touched my heart that He IS in control.
In many ways I am comforted to hear about someone experiencing such similar things as I am – at the same time I am worried that if someone so far along can go back to old behaviors, then there is little to no hope for a true recovery for me – but this brings me to a truth I have known for many, many years, but do not want to accept – there is no fix. I wanted being made new to equal the removal of my desire for overeating. I wanted it to mean I was made impervious to cravings. But I know that the thorn in my side is always there and and serves to make me reach out to God – the only one who can give me a reprieve from my struggle, my self- destructive habits, my pain. I can use the fact that there is no cure as an reason to turn away or I can celebrate that there is remission – there is peace from the struggle. My rebellion is strong at times – I want it to be easy and when it is not easy, I rebel making it even harder – tightening the hold, instead of relaxing and letting it be easier. I want peace and it is mine for the asking, but sometimes I want it without doing anything as simple as asking. Sometimes I am so rebellious that even praying is too much effort. But I end up back on my knees at some point and call out – and miraculously, amazingly, lovingly, God answers me again.