I imagine some have come to this blog recently wondering what on earth what I am blogging about has to do with eating, weight loss, Thin Within, and being my “natural God-given size” and yada yada! HA!
The answer is EVERYTHING.
My world is being rocked–flipped upside down. Things I have “known” are now changing at light speed. Have you ever felt that way?
Right now, my trust in the Lord is being challenged, by reliance on His goodness, and resting in His love for me. I know I will make it through because I know His Word is true. When I struggle to trust the Lord with family, friends, church, health or whatever it is, then it erodes my willingness to trust the body that he created. I begin to turn to old familiar coping mechanisms–which don’t help me to cope at all!
When I am angry at God about what He has ordained, then I get a ‘tude. A BIG ‘tude (short for ATTItude!).
For a few weeks, I swung way over to the license side of the pendulum. Though I kept a steady rein on it so it didn’t get too crazy, I was rebelling–even lashing out in anger (which has, honestly, intensified). I sought to comfort and numb myself with food. I feel like I have had enough with “surprises” from God. 🙁 I was mad at Him and demonstrated it by eating — like a spoiled child. I continued to play tennis for the sheer joy (and escape) found in it.
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Now, I feel like I have swung way over on the other end of the pendulum–it doesn’t feel like legalism (which is typically on the other side)…but then, legalism is really a buzz word for me right now. I think there is a boatload of denial going on for me.
“If I can’t be in control of ______________,one thing I know I *can* controlis my body, my size, my eating!”
That is when I don’t eat (even when hungry) and when I start to exercise like a fiend. During the past week, as I have begun to release control that was never mine in the first place on things that aren’t mine to control, I have begun to clamber to control that which I can…and that is…ME (supposedly). Well, since I am not doing a very good job controlling my emotions, I can control my body, right?
So, I am in a difficult place…a place that feels like a NEED right now. It is that place of relishing every chance I can to move my body and beat it into the ground, whether it be with a two-hour tennis workout in the 90 degree day (a ball machine at our club makes for a killer cardio workout! WOW!) or using TurboFire to kick my own rear. Truthfully, this has become increasingly a respite for me. I think I am ok right now, but I see the old temptations surfacing. You can escape by exercising every bit as much as you can by doing anything to excess. I wonder if I can learn moderation, even while being on this side of things.
The goal is, of course, to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. I need to believe HIM, trust HIS character. CHOOSE Him. If I do that, I can exercise, eat appropriate amounts of food between 0 and 5, and allow him to refine me through this process.
If I strive with God about what He hopes to accomplish in this, I will continue to look for my identity in other things…in being “Thin Within Woman,” or a “4.5 Tennis Player” (HA!) or whatever else I might look to for my identity.
I am His. He defines me. This isn’t about my performance. This is about HIS performance. He has done it. I need to rest in that and trust that. I need to obey him as he leads me…what, when and why to eat, what, when and why to exercise…what, when and why to speak, clean, cook, teach, read, play, etc., etc.
All of this stuff I am going through is integrated. I can’t separate my eating, exercising, perspective of my body from the rest of my life. How I perceive myself (something that is really being challenged right now because of the trials I am going through) drastically affects all of these things and so much more.
How about for you? Do you find this to be true? How so?
