Have you ever started the morning with quiet time with God, loved his presence, committed your day to him, resolved that you will move forward in your walk with God and make choices in line with godly principles–all day? Then, within five minutes of your final “Amen” of your quiet time, “POOF!” all your good intentions were steamrollered by who-knows-what? The very thing you wanted to do, you didn’t and the very thing you hated was what you did?
I have. A lot lately! It seems.
“Agitation” happens in my home and, when it does, a switch flips in me, taking me back to my challenging childhood. I end up feeling…trapped…. like I am walking on the egg shells I did when I was a kid growing up with a mom who tried to commit suicide a number of times, like the mental health (and possibly physical health) of the people around me, depends on me somehow. Good grief! I think that is taking on a bit more than God intends, don’t you? I end up living in fear, which is never a godly place to be.
In these moments, I feel like a kid, trapped in a dysfunctional, abusive, scary and out of control environment, grasping for some way to be in control and some way to comfort myself. All my positive goals seem blocked by the people I live with and something takes over my mind with the thought: I just want to eat. It is a rebellious feeling like: “I can TOO do what I want. YOU can’t STOP me…I can TOO be ‘in control!’ I can eat!”
Thin Within calls this “flesh machinery.” It is pretty clear why! I act like I am on “automatic.” Recognizing it enables me to stop it in the strength God provides in the moment.
I don’t want to eat when I am not hungry. What I really want is to be able to live in peace with the people I love, to live in peace with God, with myself, and with food. This is a longing for heaven, I realize. It won’t be realized perfectly until I am in heaven with Jesus.
However, something in me from my past looks to food for comfort, protection and control. This tendency is rooted in deception and recognizing that, I can replace lies with God’s truth.
I am learning afresh that boundaries are designed to keep me safe, offer comfort, and godly control. Boundaries keep me safe as yellow lines down the center of the road–each driver stays out of the other side (hopefully). Boundaries keep me from taking what I want off store shelves without paying and getting tossed in jail. So, I must respond to godly boundaries as helpful guardians in my eating as well, instead of viewing them resentfully, as yet another block to my goal during the times of agitation in my home and life.
Obviously, God wants to be comfort, protection and control for me. He is these things. He is protection. He is comfort. This is one reason why studying the attributes of God is so powerful for me.
Knowing this tendency in me, in those moments when the kids are at one another’s throats, godly boundaries serve me well. Simply, if I am agitated, it isn’t time to eat…I must give a loving “no” to that little girl who feels trapped back 35 years ago in a home with two alcoholic, raging parents.
Instead, I will crawl up into my Abba’s lap and allow him to comfort me with his love and delight over me with singing.
The LORD your God is with you,he is mighty to save.He will take great delight in you,he will quiet you with his love,he will rejoice over you with singing.– Zephaniah 3:17
How about you? Are you “triggered” in some way that sends you to food for comfort, protection, or control? What godly boundaries can you have that will offer you what you really need during those times?
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Hi Heidi, You are so right…I need to have those godly boundaries set in my mind and when the negative triggers come along I will not reach out to food. What a beautiful thought to crawl up into Abba's lap. Our past can cause so much pain and the pain doesn't go away sometimes without God wrapping his arms around me. When I feel that I am so unloveable I can reach out to God and seek his love for He is always there. In order to set up these boundaries in my mind I must commit to them totally but wait a minute that means giving up my control. You mean I can't choose food for comfort, joy, sadness, etc..Oh I have a lot of work ahead…..I am my own worst enemy!!Father help me as I struggle with myself and help me in choosing godly boundaries. Thank you for blessing me by Heidi's blog and ask a special blessing for Heidi and her family. I pray all of this in Jesus name. Amen
Hi Heidi, You are so right…I need to have those godly boundaries set in my mind and when the negative triggers come along I will not reach out to food. What a beautiful thought to crawl up into Abba's lap. Our past can cause so much pain and the pain doesn't go away sometimes without God wrapping his arms around me. When I feel that I am so unloveable I can reach out to God and seek his love for He is always there. In order to set up these boundaries in my mind I must commit to them totally but wait a minute that means giving up my control. You mean I can't choose food for comfort, joy, sadness, etc..Oh I have a lot of work ahead…..I am my own worst enemy!!Father help me as I struggle with myself and help me in choosing godly boundaries. Thank you for blessing me by Heidi's blog and ask a special blessing for Heidi and her family. I pray all of this in Jesus name. Amen
How often I start the day just as you described with the same great intentions and then…poof! It all goes up in smoke! I wonder why can I be so EASILY blown off track? You mentioned feeling like a kid. I've been reading books about developing character in your kids. As I've read, I've realized that there's character building work to be done in me! There's lessons that ideally are taught in the context of a loving Christian family free of dysfunction. (How family famlilies truly fit that description?) If we don't learn them while we're kids, we still need to learn them, and it seems that adults can be slow learners!By the grace of God and with His help, I want to build the character (fruit of the spirit) that never was built. This also confirms how important it is as a parent to help my daughter develop godly character while she's young.I am seeing that when I eat when I'm not hungry, it's often just an adult temper tantrum in response to not getting my way in some form.
How often I start the day just as you described with the same great intentions and then…poof! It all goes up in smoke! I wonder why can I be so EASILY blown off track? You mentioned feeling like a kid. I've been reading books about developing character in your kids. As I've read, I've realized that there's character building work to be done in me! There's lessons that ideally are taught in the context of a loving Christian family free of dysfunction. (How family famlilies truly fit that description?) If we don't learn them while we're kids, we still need to learn them, and it seems that adults can be slow learners!By the grace of God and with His help, I want to build the character (fruit of the spirit) that never was built. This also confirms how important it is as a parent to help my daughter develop godly character while she's young.I am seeing that when I eat when I'm not hungry, it's often just an adult temper tantrum in response to not getting my way in some form.
I am always amazed to read your blogs… They are always so timely. It's as though if I could write down my thoughts as well as you do (which I can't as of yet..) I'd write the same thing. This morning 5-26-10….Amen…5 or so minutes pass…3 pieces of cinnamon toast and a bowl of cereal later…..AAARRRGGGGHHHH…is it even POSSIBLE to be free?????? (lie). Then the still small voice…ALL things are possible in Me (truth)…the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in you, so yes it IS possible to walk away from the food(truth).I was reading an older post of yours about waiting 5 minutes and talking to the Lord first, before you eat..(btw, do you know how much "damage" can be done in the first 5 minutes of a binge??). A wonderful thought to turn to the Lord first in those minutes. For me it is control. I can't control my current extended family situation(stress), I can't control that my daughter is graduating next week and leaving for college in three months(joy and sadness), I couldn't control that her father(my ex) died 6 months ago and the grief that brings(pain). The truth is I cannot control ANYTHING only God can, and furthermore, I need to realize A) it is not my job to fix everything and make everyone happy or spare them pain, and B) He doesn't want me to try anyway..He wants me to be dependant on HIM and nothing in the way of food will change anything.. Kind of like the old saying, "If physical hunger isn't the problem, food is not the answer.Thank you for putting into words some things I have not been able to express!!
I am always amazed to read your blogs… They are always so timely. It's as though if I could write down my thoughts as well as you do (which I can't as of yet..) I'd write the same thing. This morning 5-26-10….Amen…5 or so minutes pass…3 pieces of cinnamon toast and a bowl of cereal later…..AAARRRGGGGHHHH…is it even POSSIBLE to be free?????? (lie). Then the still small voice…ALL things are possible in Me (truth)…the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in you, so yes it IS possible to walk away from the food(truth).I was reading an older post of yours about waiting 5 minutes and talking to the Lord first, before you eat..(btw, do you know how much "damage" can be done in the first 5 minutes of a binge??). A wonderful thought to turn to the Lord first in those minutes. For me it is control. I can't control my current extended family situation(stress), I can't control that my daughter is graduating next week and leaving for college in three months(joy and sadness), I couldn't control that her father(my ex) died 6 months ago and the grief that brings(pain). The truth is I cannot control ANYTHING only God can, and furthermore, I need to realize A) it is not my job to fix everything and make everyone happy or spare them pain, and B) He doesn't want me to try anyway..He wants me to be dependant on HIM and nothing in the way of food will change anything.. Kind of like the old saying, "If physical hunger isn't the problem, food is not the answer.Thank you for putting into words some things I have not been able to express!!
Heidi — As soon as I saw the picture of the steam-roller, I knew exactly what your blog was going to be about — and that it was meant for me today. I can't tell you how many days of the week I wake up with good intentions and lose sight of God within moments of the resolve. I give Him control and take it back immediately, thinking it's my job to keep everyone happy and everything neat and tidy. It makes for a very exasperating day!Of course, I expect to be kept "comfortable" in all my attempts, too. Thanks for your suggestion to crawl in the Father's lap and receive his comfort. This is SO MUCH about keeping our thoughts focused on Him! It seems that the reason I turn to food is that I am so tired of trying to keep control of my day — food is the one thing I want to let loose with and have no control of — it's my comfort and reward for tough days. In fact, today when I got home from work, I really felt like diving in and eating whatever I felt like eating. But — victory came — and I sat down with my Bible and devotional book instead. My supper will taste so much better when I'm at 0! That's a marble in the jar — love that sound!
Heidi — As soon as I saw the picture of the steam-roller, I knew exactly what your blog was going to be about — and that it was meant for me today. I can't tell you how many days of the week I wake up with good intentions and lose sight of God within moments of the resolve. I give Him control and take it back immediately, thinking it's my job to keep everyone happy and everything neat and tidy. It makes for a very exasperating day!Of course, I expect to be kept "comfortable" in all my attempts, too. Thanks for your suggestion to crawl in the Father's lap and receive his comfort. This is SO MUCH about keeping our thoughts focused on Him! It seems that the reason I turn to food is that I am so tired of trying to keep control of my day — food is the one thing I want to let loose with and have no control of — it's my comfort and reward for tough days. In fact, today when I got home from work, I really felt like diving in and eating whatever I felt like eating. But — victory came — and I sat down with my Bible and devotional book instead. My supper will taste so much better when I'm at 0! That's a marble in the jar — love that sound!
Thanks for yet another reminder of truth. So many of my days start out just as you described and by afternoon all of my great intentions are gone. My greatest triggers are exhaustion, frustration and boredom. I can't tell you how many times I have turned to food try to satiate the longings of my heart. I am working on doing as you do, instead, to intentionally turn away from food and toward God. I am trying to rest my soul in Him. Thanks again for your transparency, God is using you and all that you are learning to grow all of us as well. God's blessing.
Thanks for yet another reminder of truth. So many of my days start out just as you described and by afternoon all of my great intentions are gone. My greatest triggers are exhaustion, frustration and boredom. I can't tell you how many times I have turned to food try to satiate the longings of my heart. I am working on doing as you do, instead, to intentionally turn away from food and toward God. I am trying to rest my soul in Him. Thanks again for your transparency, God is using you and all that you are learning to grow all of us as well. God's blessing.
Thank you so much for your perspective. I always love reading your posts because they are so real and transparent. It makes me feel that I'm not alone! Yes, this happens to me all too often. I know what it right and true, but it seems as soon as my triggers surface, I totally forget I'm equipped for battle! Just consciously stopping when tempted is something I am out of the habit of doing. Thanks for the reminder!
Thank you so much for your perspective. I always love reading your posts because they are so real and transparent. It makes me feel that I'm not alone! Yes, this happens to me all too often. I know what it right and true, but it seems as soon as my triggers surface, I totally forget I'm equipped for battle! Just consciously stopping when tempted is something I am out of the habit of doing. Thanks for the reminder!