I have been so quiet on the blog over the past 18 months (relative to my multiple posting weekly previously) I think because…well…I want to have my “act” together to share something with visitors here. That has been an influence keeping me from writing since I DON’T have my “act together!” Ha! I bet you are surprised to hear that!
Also, I think at some level I feel that pressure all the more because I enjoy occasionally having a writing and speaking ministry. What would happen if people who might consider inviting me to come and speak saw me as I…gasp!…really AM? Oh no! LOL! I am convinced that if you saw the REAL me, you would definitely NOT like what you see, so we can’t let that happen can we?
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Additionally, for me, blogging has always been very earthy. It is what I do from my gut, many times on the fly. Since I have done some writing for publication in the past and may in the future, I feel this sense that my blog has to reflect my “good” writing. Well, if I am going to use this blog for the very thing I started blogging for–for authentic processing–that may have to happen when I don’t have time to be sure my writing is “good.” Especially given that it takes a LOT of time for *my* writing to get anything close to “good.” So if you are a potential agent or editor…my apologies. I have to get back to what is most important to me…authentic processing and ministry from that place in the hopes that God will redeem the gunk in my life to encourage other sojourners. That is more important than appearances, a book deal, or what people think of me. God is at work in his people. I SO want people to know that and rest in it!
So when you put all of these factors together, I have chosen not to blog as much.
Today, I am returning to blogging from my gut. I am setting aside my need, insistence, hope (?), that I need to blog only when all is right and my writing’s good :-). In the past–when those things weren’t even on my radar screen–there seemed to be a ministry going on here. Not just me to visitors, but even visitors to one another. I hope for that again. And definitely from the visitors TO me, too!
So starting now, I am going to be real–again. God has allowed the experiences of the past 18 months to blow the lid off the charmed existence I had previously enjoyed. I know my trials are NOTHING compared to what many of you face, but for me–a colossal wimp–these have rocked my world:
My husband–even the easy going, easy-to-get-along-with, rock of a man had a major depression hit him in June of 2011. Although the worst is now behind us (it seems), the affect of the year with depression is still strongly felt. I could stop right here…Truthfully, this has been all it took to knock my legs out from under me.
But, additionally, my “special needs” 19 year old son has dug in his heels and quit school — we are struggling with what “tough love” needs to look like right now (and have for the past three months).
My Mom’s mental health has deteriorated dramatically…just in the past two months.
Saturday I am having to have one of my horse’s put down.
You know what? I believe in the power of praising God through these things. Not as some form of denial, but as an authentic response. In desperation, I cry out to God. I am totally desperate for him. I can’t NOT praise Him. I will choose to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. What is seen is temporary and what is UNseen is eternal!
Something happens when I allow my eyes to focus on my circumstances or even the loving people in my life–food seems to be where I go. Yes, even after all this time! I would have thought that this wouldn’t be the case after five years of applying the Thin Within principles relatively “faithfully.” But nope. There is yet a need for my healing. Wow…fancy that. I STILL need a Savior! 🙂
How about for you? Do you have circumstances that are challenging you to fix your eyes on Jesus?