by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 24, 2007 | Blog
While I was sick, God showed me something…I mean, it seems really obvious, but it still seems profound to me.
Each choice I make–every single one–if I hear His voice and do not heed it, I am “practicing” having a hardened heart. I am living as one who has a hard heart. The best way to cultivate a hard heart is to act like I have one now. To hear him say, “No…don’t eat now, you aren’t hungry” and to eat anyhow. To hear him say, “I don’t want you to drink a soda now” and to drink one anyhow. To hear him say “Call that friend” and to do something else with my time instead.
These are ways of cultivating or nuturing a hardened heart. I lived a long time in pride with a hard heart. Do I really want to “practice” having one again?
Instead, I choose to have a soft heart and when it doesn’t seem soft, to act like it is. If I hear his voice, rather than arguing “But, Lord, are you sure?” I will in humility say, “Yes, Lord. I choose to submit to your will.” It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant it seems to be. Or how illogical. I will choose to nurture a soft heart. A soft heart responds at the slightest prompting of the Lord.
I choose to practice having a soft heart!
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 24, 2007 | Blog
The last couple of days have been interesting.
First of all, yesterday my daughter and I had a BLAST clothes shopping at Kohl’s! Oh my word! I can now buy clothes at a NORMAL store! This is VERY dangerous and will require that I submit my WILL to God who loves that I want to celebrate, but not that I would do it addictively! WHOO HOO!!!! I mean, how many comfy pair of jeans does a girl REALLY need? (Just one more, please, Lord???? I would love a pair of Levi’s next…LOL!)
Michaela and I have similar tastes so we even bought the same shorts (just Levi shorts) in vastly different sizes of course and the same tops. How fun is that? 🙂 Additionally, i bought two more pairs of pants and a dressy shirt/jacket thing…well, not dressy compared to most peoples’ standards, but since I usually wear sweatshirts, it is dressy for ME! LOL!
It is amazing how easy it would be to go bonkers and spend a lot of money on clothes. We did more than our fair share. Fortunately, I have a very understanding hubby.
Today I realized something. But I have to back up for a minute. I don’t know if this is true or not, but in *my* experience it has seemed that as a heavy lady, most middle aged men treat heavy middle aged women almost with disdain. I have handled that by not looking at them or expecting anything of them. I have avoided them. But I think I have also generally just not looked at anyone…I realized that today when I thought, “Gosh, people–*men*–have been friendly and more chivalrous lately. I wonder why?” Well, maybe it is because I am looking UP and outward to others. Maybe *i* am being more friendly and so others are just reciprocating. I don’t know for sure. I do know that Tina Hutton, while helping me with Harley in December, commented to me that I don’t look up when I walk. I knew then it was shame…but it was also a way of avoiding that judgment that often seems to be there when people look at a heavy person with what sure seems to be disdain. i can avoid that when I don’t look up.
I know I look up more now. But it is sad to me that it takes me physically releasing weight to be willing to step out of shame…and to be willing to smile and be friendly with those who may need a friendly face. Goodness, the Lord of GLORY resides in me no matter WHAT size I am! if that isn’t a reason to look up and smile, I don’t know what IS!!!!!
Anyhow, NO MORE SHAME!!!!!
And I LOVE MY NEW CLOTHES! 😀
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 22, 2007 | Blog
New thing to deal with…being sick. Haven’t been sick in over 6 months. Yesterday I couldn’t tell when I was hungry and when I wasn’t. I knew some of my misery was flu symptoms and some of it was hunger. It wasn’t the throw-up kind of flu, but the kind you need to be near the toilet. 🙁 Anyhow, today I am asking God to really help me to hear His Spirit clearly. I am feeling pretty well.
The vacation didn’t happen. Well, hubby and Daniel went off to go to Monterey, but my daughter and I–the sickies–have been staying home. We hope to head into town today for lunch and shopping. Here’s hoping we don’t over do it!
Lord, please help me to be obedient and heed your still small voice with joy.
Amen.
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 19, 2007 | Blog
On Saturday morning, I felt God invite me to step on the scale to see what He had done. That surprised me as Sundays have been my “weigh day,” but I had promised the Lord I wouldn’t weigh even on Sundays until He gave me permission, since I had become rather fixated on numbers…
So, I stepped on and there it was…I had released enough weight to bring the total to 50 gone since mid-November! Talk about blown away! That was fun and encouraging, though I still wasn’t into the next “set” of numbers… 🙁 There I was, being blessed by God and I was wondering why it couldn’t have been just one tiny pound more. What an ingrate!!!!
Sigh…
Yesterday, I felt like God tested me A LOT. I haven’t had a day like that before. The past couple of days have been intense for me with the writing deadline and the upcoming vacation. I have thought of food a lot when I wasn’t hungry…that old feeling of “I need something to eat.” It has surprised me. I have met it with “Am I hungry?” “No, I’m not…” Then I have wondered what is up with all of that! I still don’t know the answer, so maybe some of the testing has come because God wants me to see just how much He has accomplished in me.
Breakfast, he asked me to eat half of what I usually do. I knew that would be ok, since if I got hungry again before church, I could eat again. I did, on both accounts. So that went ok. But lunch…well, it was like I just started eating…and it was SOOOOOOO good. My half of the burger and fries that hubs and I split…I took the “small half” but nevertheless after about three bites (ARG!!!) God asked me almost audibly… “Do you love me more than these?” Oh nuts….well, I gave hubby the rest.
Later, it happened when I began to eat the tiniest brownie when I was hungry. Mid bite, he asked me to put the rest down….
I did.
Yes, Lord…these ARE demonstrations of a the amazing way you have been working in my life. Thank you so much for setting me free….
I waited all evening for hunger….and it didn’t come. I had planned what dinner would be. Everyone fended for themselves yesterday because of my being sequestered in my room to write, so there was no pressure on me to make something if I wasn’t hungry. I really thought I would get to eat dinner….it wasn’t until 9pm when I got hungry. I had a tiny something…really…tiny…and ate it…and God said to give half of THAT to the dogs!!!! WHAT????
I must say that while I obeyed, I didn’t do so with joy. I wish I could say it was with a joyful heart, but the joyful heart *did* come afterwards…long afterwards.
Yesterday was definitely a different sort of experience for me. I want my heart to be totally given away to God all the time, whether I am being tested or not. I want to respond to the Lord with joy all the time. That is my heart. I want to be grateful that it takes so little to sustain me. It really blows me away that, with as active as I am, it doesn’t take more to sustain me. It floors me. I am thankful for that and I am thankful for the ways he has been at work in me. I am also thankful that he has released me from the captivity of 50 pounds of weight.
Thank you, Lord.
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 14, 2007 | Blog
I was taking the time to clean (gasp!) my kitchen this morning. I discovered a pan of brownies that hadn’t been completely eaten. All that was left were my favorite parts–the edges. I couldn’t believe it. It must have been there, I hate to admit, for a week! Has God done a work in me or what?
Last week when the kids and I were eating out (something that we are reducing the frequency of), I wanted a grilled chicken sandwich. I felt like I just couldn’t handle a burger or fried chicken or the other options I usually have. We went to a place that offered that and I had half of that and one french fry. MIRACLE! I didn’t even want more fries. I didn’t even want the one, but thought that it sure seemed weird of COURSE I want the fries…nope. I had one and felt YUCK, so didn’t have any more.
Another thing that has happened lately…if I am busy like in the middle of stuff (happening a lot lately with as busy as I am) and I get to a “0”…I don’t stop everything to go feed the 0. It is so bizarre to realize that I don’t panic at 0 any more. This, too, is a total miracle. I find myself hanging out at 0 not because I want to control it or “ride the 0” as I don’t believe that is godly at all…but because I don’t *have* to drop everything to have the very coveted chance to eat…I used to lust literally for 0 so I could eat. It just isn’t that big of a deal…most of the time, anyhow. Isn’t that weird?
If you knew me, you would know it is. God IS doing a new thing! When I named this blog, I did so fearful….I was afraid to believe Him for a new thing…wow. He is doing a TRUCKLOAD of new things! THANK YOU LORD!
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 13, 2007 | Blog
Wow. God is sure working on me. All sorts of things are in the works.
- He has caused–enabled–me to SIGNIFICANTLY reduce my diet soda intake (both caffeine-free and regular diet). This is huge…I knew he would have to change my heart radically and He did and is.
- He has actually been causing me to scrutinize the “what” of my eating–to try to be more aware of the saturated fats in things. I don’t want to end up with clogged arteries and high cholesterol and all of that. Eating fried foods 0 to 5 is still not the most beneficial choice. 1 Corinthians 6:12 speaks to this: “All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial. All things are permissible but I will not be mastered by anything.” If I can’t or won’t say no to fried chicken (or whatever it may be) it seems as though not only is that not beneficial, but it also demonstrates that it has mastery over me.
- My family members are getting on board for some of these changes. I guess the kids don’t have much choice, but I am asking them for their input and trying to consider it. Some of what we are doing is due, in part, to my writing about this stuff right now. It is so convicting to realize that what my kids eat, with MY PERMISSION and ENDORSEMENT, is causing my son’s teeth enamel to erode, his skin to break out like crazy and who knows what else. It just isn’t right for me to lead my children into sin like this. I mean, the food isn’t evil, but not putting it in its place is a problem. It is a stronghold if all we will eat is fried stuff. My kids are thin and all, but I feel like I am setting them up for a lifetime of eating fatty stuff…what will happen when they aren’t under my supervision? Daniel will live at the drive-through for fried chicken, french fries and onion rings! Michaela might be just as bad! 🙁
- God wants to accomplish a lot yet ahead. I was convicted after reading another TW participant’s post this morning that I should not get on the scale again until I receive God’s explicit permission. I must let go of insisting that the scale should move downward all the time. *I* know in my heart of hearts if I have been obedient. He testifies to my heart. The scale doesn’t have the right to affirm me or not. I will not look to it for approval. So, I will wait on the Lord to say I have his permission. I won’t even hang on to my “right” for a once a week weigh in, claiming that it is a godly choice. If he says NO in the moment, it isn’t godly!
- In the online support group meeting last night, one of the participants said that she has vowed that, before each eating occasion, she will say “I will submit to Your will” as a prayer to God. Wow! I am asking God to help me to remember to do this, too…as it is a great idea.
- God has asked me to re-evaluate my eating. I am going to be sure that I stop when the Lord tells me to. Right now, 5 is beyond that point. This morning I stopped when he said and I was hungry again very soon after, but that is ok. This is a walk of trust.
All for now. I need to get back to work!
