I have been putting off facing into this chapter, I think. I read the pages up to the place where the Mirror, Mirror Exercise begins. Funny how I did that…It is dated 4 days ago…haven’t touched the book since.
I realized last night as I thought about getting up and including the Mirror Mirror Exercise into my quiet time this morning that I was making excuses. This morning, I am heading out of town with my kids, my accountability partner and her kids to San Francisco. No time! I wanted to spend time in another study (or two) that I am doing…hmmm…Of course, as is typical, God faced me with the truth while I was in those other studies.
So I come to this blog to confess to you that I guess I have more “issues” to deal with than I thought. The thought of doing this exercise, while not as horrific to me as it used to be years ago, nevertheless causes anxiety.
I thought I would make “Part 1” about chapter 5 today about those other things in the chapter that I liked…and realized…I am just procrastinating. God is calling me to do this exercise.
Frankly…I don’t wanna.
So, I am stuck. I will give in to His will, but I know I won’t do it this morning…and I felt a sense of responsibility to tell you why.
I guess I still feel at some level betrayed by my body…But even writing that doesn’t resonate as truth. Maybe I don’t feel betrayed by my body so much as I feel betrayed by me. My behavior…my unwillingness to really lay down some strongholds…specifically this insistence that I get to have something sweet in my mouth all the time. :-/ It used to be diet cherry pepsi…and it is a battle now not to use diet drinks the same way. I am not, thankfully. I know that the battle isn’t so much about aspartame and the damage it can do, but it is a battle of my will…my taste buds being an idol in my life…my bowing down to them. And the damage that does!
While I haven’t been giving in to this temptation lately, I nevertheless feel like some of the weight I now have on my body IS related to giving in to my lust for sweet. Sweet apart from aspartame means sugar, means extra calories coming in when I am not hungry… :-/ That is the truth of things.
I have simplified things again and recommitted to drinking only water or carbonated water unless I am at a 0. I hadn’t realized just how much that boundary had eroded…and this will help, I know. Help not just with finding my natural God-given size, but, more, with conquering this stronghold.
Anyhow, when I look at my physical body like I am supposed to in Day 5 of the book and I know how much it has changed since the “after” picture was taken…I am faced with some truth…sure, I don’t need to be as thin as I was when I drank a lot of caffeine and aspartame…but some of the weight on my body, I believe, is there because I have continued to bow to sweet foods/flavors outside of God’s will for me. It is hard for me to accept about myself. That I am so weak. So rebellious and unwilling.
I know I have posted here about feeling ok about my body and all since then. I guess it is something I will struggle with on and off possibly my whole life long. All I know is that the thought of doing Day 5 in the Thin Within book has brought this to the surface and I am glad that I see the truth of it.
So tomorrow, I am carving out the time to do it in the morning…even setting my alarm to do it. I have an appointment with God in my bathroom…with the mirror. Gulp…
For your consideration (and mine): Consider going to iTunes and downloading Steven Curtis Chapman’s song, Fingerprints of God. (It is only 69 cents!) This is an amazing song with a lot of truth in it. When I lead TW classes going through the book, I make sure to include this song as part of our class time. Prayerfully ask God to show you if you believe the truth that this song speaks of. Let’s pray for one another today…to be fully reconciled with God and to our own bodies, laying down anything that hinders or entangles us.