I have been putting off facing into this chapter, I think. I read the pages up to the place where the Mirror, Mirror Exercise begins. Funny how I did that…It is dated 4 days ago…haven’t touched the book since.
I realized last night as I thought about getting up and including the Mirror Mirror Exercise into my quiet time this morning that I was making excuses. This morning, I am heading out of town with my kids, my accountability partner and her kids to San Francisco. No time! I wanted to spend time in another study (or two) that I am doing…hmmm…Of course, as is typical, God faced me with the truth while I was in those other studies.
So I come to this blog to confess to you that I guess I have more “issues” to deal with than I thought. The thought of doing this exercise, while not as horrific to me as it used to be years ago, nevertheless causes anxiety.
I thought I would make “Part 1” about chapter 5 today about those other things in the chapter that I liked…and realized…I am just procrastinating. God is calling me to do this exercise.
Frankly…I don’t wanna.
So, I am stuck. I will give in to His will, but I know I won’t do it this morning…and I felt a sense of responsibility to tell you why.
I guess I still feel at some level betrayed by my body…But even writing that doesn’t resonate as truth. Maybe I don’t feel betrayed by my body so much as I feel betrayed by me. My behavior…my unwillingness to really lay down some strongholds…specifically this insistence that I get to have something sweet in my mouth all the time. :-/ It used to be diet cherry pepsi…and it is a battle now not to use diet drinks the same way. I am not, thankfully. I know that the battle isn’t so much about aspartame and the damage it can do, but it is a battle of my will…my taste buds being an idol in my life…my bowing down to them. And the damage that does!
While I haven’t been giving in to this temptation lately, I nevertheless feel like some of the weight I now have on my body IS related to giving in to my lust for sweet. Sweet apart from aspartame means sugar, means extra calories coming in when I am not hungry… :-/ That is the truth of things.
I have simplified things again and recommitted to drinking only water or carbonated water unless I am at a 0. I hadn’t realized just how much that boundary had eroded…and this will help, I know. Help not just with finding my natural God-given size, but, more, with conquering this stronghold.
Anyhow, when I look at my physical body like I am supposed to in Day 5 of the book and I know how much it has changed since the “after” picture was taken…I am faced with some truth…sure, I don’t need to be as thin as I was when I drank a lot of caffeine and aspartame…but some of the weight on my body, I believe, is there because I have continued to bow to sweet foods/flavors outside of God’s will for me. It is hard for me to accept about myself. That I am so weak. So rebellious and unwilling.
I know I have posted here about feeling ok about my body and all since then. I guess it is something I will struggle with on and off possibly my whole life long. All I know is that the thought of doing Day 5 in the Thin Within book has brought this to the surface and I am glad that I see the truth of it.
So tomorrow, I am carving out the time to do it in the morning…even setting my alarm to do it. I have an appointment with God in my bathroom…with the mirror. Gulp…
For your consideration (and mine): Consider going to iTunes and downloading Steven Curtis Chapman’s song, Fingerprints of God. (It is only 69 cents!) This is an amazing song with a lot of truth in it. When I lead TW classes going through the book, I make sure to include this song as part of our class time. Prayerfully ask God to show you if you believe the truth that this song speaks of. Let’s pray for one another today…to be fully reconciled with God and to our own bodies, laying down anything that hinders or entangles us.
Thank you for your honesty, Heidi. I know it must not be easy to do that especially since you are the leader of this group, but I do appreciate it. I have to admit there was a part of me that sighed and internally said, "Gosh, I guess this really will be lifetime battle" when I do so pray that God can free us all from this bondage. I know it's relative, but when you look in that mirror thank God you have not gone all the way back up the scale in denial (which is where I am) but instead you've made an appointment to address it head on.I certainly see the beauty in you, your servant's heart and a desire for a Godly life. I know He sees that in you too and so much more.Laura
Thank you for your honesty, Heidi. I know it must not be easy to do that especially since you are the leader of this group, but I do appreciate it. I have to admit there was a part of me that sighed and internally said, "Gosh, I guess this really will be lifetime battle" when I do so pray that God can free us all from this bondage. I know it's relative, but when you look in that mirror thank God you have not gone all the way back up the scale in denial (which is where I am) but instead you've made an appointment to address it head on.I certainly see the beauty in you, your servant's heart and a desire for a Godly life. I know He sees that in you too and so much more.Laura
Dear Heidi, Thank you for being so honest in your quest to follow God. I a really happy you don't pretend to be perfect and make us feel like a bunch of ungrateful condemned sinners.I really relate to your post and I am so grateful of how deep your goes. Overeating is far from a surface issue.Thank you so much. I have been struggling too especially in the past couple of days I have had really intense PMS and moodswings.Thanks againDena
Dear Heidi, Thank you for being so honest in your quest to follow God. I a really happy you don't pretend to be perfect and make us feel like a bunch of ungrateful condemned sinners.I really relate to your post and I am so grateful of how deep your goes. Overeating is far from a surface issue.Thank you so much. I have been struggling too especially in the past couple of days I have had really intense PMS and moodswings.Thanks againDena
Oh, BTW, I had myself a little victory this morning which I wrote about on the blog. Sure felt good to finally get a tangible one! Maybe, just maybe, the transformation is starting!Laurahttp://beautyforashesjourney.wordpress.com/
Oh, BTW, I had myself a little victory this morning which I wrote about on the blog. Sure felt good to finally get a tangible one! Maybe, just maybe, the transformation is starting!Laurahttp://beautyforashesjourney.wordpress.com/
Thank you Heidi for your transparency. It is amazing for me to see that it's not about size/number, but my God-given size and more importantly not surrendering to food! I have recommitted myself to the Thin Within journey for the past week and a few days. I'm glad to have your blog to encourage and provide insights as I continue to move along this journey! 🙂 Lana
Thank you Heidi for your transparency. It is amazing for me to see that it's not about size/number, but my God-given size and more importantly not surrendering to food! I have recommitted myself to the Thin Within journey for the past week and a few days. I'm glad to have your blog to encourage and provide insights as I continue to move along this journey! 🙂 Lana
well, as of last friday, my computer contracted a virus and has been at Fry's being repaired. I can't help but wonder if Satan had something to do with this! So I fell off and fell into berating myself and feeling like a failure, feeling fat, and all the old unhealthy God empty ways, yes, I left God out.Computer is now fixwd, and I am back. I need prayers thoughThanks Heidi, I am now trying to catch up if my kids will allow me some space
well, as of last friday, my computer contracted a virus and has been at Fry's being repaired. I can't help but wonder if Satan had something to do with this! So I fell off and fell into berating myself and feeling like a failure, feeling fat, and all the old unhealthy God empty ways, yes, I left God out.Computer is now fixwd, and I am back. I need prayers thoughThanks Heidi, I am now trying to catch up if my kids will allow me some space
I am sending this thru again, since it looks like you didn't receive my post yesterday..Wow! yea.. How much space do we have on this blog?I guess I don't have a problem looking at myself anymore.. I don't know if it is because I am just used to doing it or what.. My spirit tells me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".. and I know that in my spirit and heart.. but the accuser likes to remind me of "What" I have done to that body, as I look at the rolls of fat..in addition to the aging process of having skin tags, molds, and other sagging issues.. Now, I also look at health issues if I don't get a grip, and give God total control..and crucify this flesh..I had a lot of emotional issues..and God set me free as I read Psalm 139…yrs ago..That he formed me..He knit me together.. He knows my laying down and my arising..God is so intimate with us.. It still blows my mind that He DESIRES me to be in an intimate relationship with Him.. I have wasted so many years, working on destroying His temple and not fully realizing it…I have accepted His forgiveness..I read something that I want to share..It is from "One Minute of Praise", by Paula White.."You have prepared yourself spiritually to carry my anointing but you have not prepared yourself physically to carry my anointing. The places I want to take you, you cannot go because you are too overweight to get there. You choose today which road you will take..Your choice will determine your destiny".. This is true in my life..It is hindering the call I believe God has been calling me too.. The Spirit has hit me hard on this..and brought me to tears, I think the first time in dealing with this issue.. Praying for all of you, In Jesus.. Barbi
I am sending this thru again, since it looks like you didn't receive my post yesterday..Wow! yea.. How much space do we have on this blog?I guess I don't have a problem looking at myself anymore.. I don't know if it is because I am just used to doing it or what.. My spirit tells me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".. and I know that in my spirit and heart.. but the accuser likes to remind me of "What" I have done to that body, as I look at the rolls of fat..in addition to the aging process of having skin tags, molds, and other sagging issues.. Now, I also look at health issues if I don't get a grip, and give God total control..and crucify this flesh..I had a lot of emotional issues..and God set me free as I read Psalm 139…yrs ago..That he formed me..He knit me together.. He knows my laying down and my arising..God is so intimate with us.. It still blows my mind that He DESIRES me to be in an intimate relationship with Him.. I have wasted so many years, working on destroying His temple and not fully realizing it…I have accepted His forgiveness..I read something that I want to share..It is from "One Minute of Praise", by Paula White.."You have prepared yourself spiritually to carry my anointing but you have not prepared yourself physically to carry my anointing. The places I want to take you, you cannot go because you are too overweight to get there. You choose today which road you will take..Your choice will determine your destiny".. This is true in my life..It is hindering the call I believe God has been calling me too.. The Spirit has hit me hard on this..and brought me to tears, I think the first time in dealing with this issue.. Praying for all of you, In Jesus.. Barbi