~ Letting Go of What I have Been and What I Want to Be ~

All my life I dreamed of having horses. When I was 41, I got my dream come true! Four horses just outside my door of my house in the country!

But things haven’t gone so well with living the horse dream.

Yesterday, I decided that I definitely need to make a concrete decision to let go…to let go of one of my horses. As I do that, I realize I am letting go of something I dreamed of being…I dreamed of being “good” with horses. I dreamed of being “enough” to manage any horse…especially Doc. Doc is the horse of the four that we originally bought for me–a horse who was young 6 years ago (only 4 years old)–to “grow old with.” It is time that I admit that this isn’t a match ordained by God conducive to growing old gracefully! (Though, I have more gray hairs now than I did 6 years ago–by a LONG shot! LOL!)

So I have found a place for Doc Tari Zebra to live for a while…hopefully long enough for me to find him a good permanent home. I mean, look at that face! How could I NOT love that face? (Happen to know anyone who wants a grullo horse who is very sweet and cute, too?)

In a very real way, I am making this step to unwrap the grave clothes. See, when I work with Doc–with any of my horses really, but Doc seems to really bring it to the surface–I NEED so much to do this “perfectly.” When Doc gets nervous and really really BIG (he is a large horse anyhow and when a prey animal gets afraid, they get really HUGE!), I find myself shutting down emotionally. I don’t feel fear. I disassociate. I know this is something I learned to do as a kid in an abusive environment. It isn’t a good thing now. Back then, it enabled me to survive. Now it keeps me from being all that Christ wants me to be in Him.

And really? When working with horses, it probably isn’t physically safe either!

So, for that reason and many others, I know that I need to release my grip on this insistence that I “do” the horse thing perfectly. That I release Doc to someone who can help him more effectively. I may love him like crazy…and if a suitable home can’t be found, I am committed to providing for his physical needs for life. But it is high time that I admit that I am NOT what he needs to help him with his fears…and it is ok that I admit that.

My willingness to admit this with my horses, is proof of a deeper work that God is doing in me relative to ALL of my life. I have never worked at something as hard as I have to be “successful” with my horses unless it is my parenting. And I have never felt more like a failure. When you try so hard to do something well and no matter how hard you try, you keep falling short…something has to give. With horses, it can literally be an issue of physical safety.

The purpose of unwrapping our grave clothes is to teach us about our true character. It is here, separated from our accustomed supports and dependencies that we discover how barren our satiated souls really are. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 130

This thing with the horses is proof of this in my life. All of my accustomed supports are missing. The food is missing, the reliance on sweet diet soda with caffeine is missing…before, I seemed satiated…now that those things are missing, I see afresh that my soul really IS barren. It is a good discovery as now I can go about tapping into living water.

No amount of “success” with “difficult” horses will satisfy. It isn’t worth it to give up who I really am and who God is making me to be to fulfill the dream. I am barren, in need, and you know what? I don’t have what it takes! And that is ok!

When our true nature is exposed, we face the emptiness and silence within our wrappings. Our arrogance and pride are defeated, and we learn what humble dependence on God means. Stripped of our resources and our addictions, we see ourselves with new eyes and are led toward a new response to ourselves, to life, and to God.
GTST, p. 130

How perfectly these words are stated. Suddenly, I don’t have to desperately grab at food again…I can sit for a bit…and it is ok. God IS in charge. God DOES care. He is here, now. In the heart of my need. Isn’t it something that he says His name is “I AM?” I find that fascinating…no matter what my need, lack or desire…he responds to it with “I AM.”

But I had to be stripped naked and vulnerable to see it. I had to gain some weight to realize that I am STILL out of control…that HE alone is in control and that is ok too…that is, in fact, the way I want it!

Last night I noticed a new response to life as this quote from page 130 of the Get Thin Stay Thin book mentions. I was at worship team practice and while the drummer was setting up microphones I was piddling around, tuning my guitar or trying this or that…and at least three different times I said, “I can’t believe I did that…how stupid!” In that instant, I realized I said something self-deprecating and countered (out loud, if you can believe it!) with “I am NOT stupid!” I did that two more times and the drummer laughed, “I guess you have been struggling with beating yourself up!” I had to laugh. But the truth is, how much do I DO this to myself? How many years have I done this? If what the scriptures say is true (and I believe that it is), then “As a woman thinks in her heart so is she…” well, how about I nip that in the bud now…reject the self-condemning remarks and start speaking TRUTH to myself instead? Start telling myself truths like “I am 100% accepted by and acceptable TO the God of this universe, my only righteous Judge and King!”

Yes, responding to things a bit differently…to myself, to others, to circumstances.

We can then allow God to lead us–we surrender to Him. We allow God to feed us–we depend on him. We allow God to give us security–we trust in Him. We allow God to teach us–we listen to him. We allow God to love us–we find our true selves in Him. GTST, p. 131