and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
– Luke 17:33
In the past 5 months, I have been progressively releasing control to the Lord in ways I never did before. Letting go of my addiction to caffeine has resulted in HUGE changes in my body. I don’t know if things were being masked by the caffeine or my body has reacted to not having caffeine pumped into it constantly…or both…but I am having to get to know myself as if I have never applied the principles taught in Thin Within before. It has been unnerving…unsettling…and, at times, so very disappointing.
But in the process, I have had to return to totally depending on Him. He guides me, he comforts me, he confronts me when necessary. He steadies me, he directs me. I didn’t recognize all the ways he was trying to do this before…Though I had set aside food as a numbing agent, the diet soda was the way I numbed myself to pain…and, again, you I couldn’t just numb myself to pain…I ended up numbing myself to everything. I didn’t feel anything quite so much (including pain AND joy…AND the voice of God!).
As my body as been showing me that, left without caffeine to falsify a “revved” metabolism, it needs even LESS food than I was consuming before, I definitely have needed to center my life on God’s grace–just as the quote above says.
I am so thankful that God has been teaching me that my value is NOT in earthly success! I would be flattened, devastated if it were! Instead, he has shown me “in the nick of time” that HE alone defines my worth. During this challenging time where I am feeling betrayed by my body, he has pointed out again and again that this is not about my body at all, but about my heart. (If you have read this blog much, I know that this must be sounding repetitive…but it is a truth I must GET and I pray others will, too! It is so vital!)
This truth that it is about something deeper than my body, instead of that coming across as a rebuke, is actually comforting. I am so THANKFUL that it isn’t about my body!
Also, this notion that my body has “betrayed” me…well, I realized in a fresh way yesterday that it is ME who has betrayed my body…by putting gallons and gallons of chemicals in it for years and years…aspartame and caffeine…I was giving it something that was NOT a good thing at all…in fact, I was leading it to addiction and worse.
I have made an appointment with my doctor. This is a huge step for me. “Dragon Lady” is what I call her. I have decided not to change doctors right now when I need to find out what is going on with me medically that could explain some of the symptoms I have. She knows my history, so that is important. “Dragon Lady” has always had something to say about my weight. She uses shame to try to exact change in her patients. NOT ok.
I go in the week of the 20th to have blood tests so that we can see if a thyroid problem may explain some things. I also hope to be checked for…diabetes. Can you believe it? Oh, my pride is taking a hit in so many ways. I simply have to deal with this.
For years, when people have said, “I eat 0 to 5, but I am not losing weight.” Or “I eat 0 to 5 but I keep *gaining* weight…” I have arrogantly assumed that they were not being honest with themselves. Even yesterday as I spoke with Judy Halliday, I couldn’t wrap my brain around…how can eating 0 to 5 not work, even if there is a medical issue? If my metabolism is thrown off and won’t burn fuel properly, then won’t I not feel hunger as often? She responded “Not necessarily.” HUH? What???? You mean, there MAY be times when a medical issue can get in the way of all I have learned and assumed was always true? That my body’s signals may NOT be reliable???? YIKES!
I guess it is obvious why I must throw myself upon God’s grace again and again. This sort of rocks my world!
I know that I need forgiveness for my arrogant self-righteous attitude toward those who have struggled in the past who may have had a medical issue! :-/
Then there is the side of me that hopes that if I do have a thyroid problem that throwing a pill down my throat will fix everything…EVERYTHING…and get me back into those levis. (I can’t believe I have made Levis into an idol!!!)
But it is about my heart...so even if my body gets back on kilter and is reliable and “trustworthy” again…and even THIN…what about inside of me? Will I have learned anything?
Grace, grace, God’s grace. Oh how I need it!
Throwing myself upon God’s grace…
It is only then that we experience the profound flow of God’s love. It is only then that we can empty ourselves enough to let our silent hunger be filled with all the fullness God desires to grow in us. GTST, p. 132
It is no small wonder that this has been an incredible growing time in my life–a time of changes internally, a time of unmeasured closeness with God. I sense his presence throughout the day and his love just as this quote says. Without the addictions in my life, I NEED and he is there saying “I AM.” He is the constantly flow now…instead of caffeine and aspartame. He is my sweetness and vibrant energy. Better than an artificially stimulated adrenal gland, God’s Spirit pulsates in me…it is a hard process…but filled with fewer extremes as he steadies me on this course. There IS a fullness that I hadn’t experienced before.
When we exchange our weakness for God’s strength, our powerlessness for his power, and pray, “Thy will, not my will, be done,” we find that the healing love of Christ moves in our midst. GTST, p. 132