In an effort to maintain honesty, I guess I want to share the truth about where I am today. This is one of those really weird things. A blog is totally out there…I mean, no privacy. Anyone can see and read what I write here. Believe it or not, I prefer not to be that “out there.” But I also know that at times God has convicted me to be forthright and honest with whoever he may lead to read this blog. I can’t argue with him and his ways. I don’t understand how my “brain barfings” could possibly encourage another person at all…I am a complete stranger to most who visit this site, after all. But God is God and His ways are definitely higher than mine… so, onward I go.
Today I am not in a good place. In fact, it is downright NOT good. I am down for the count and trying for all I am worth to cling to the hem of his robe…I am down in the dust again, believing all kinds of voices from my past. The trick is…some of the voices speak truth…but the intent of those voices is condemnation. That isn’t truth.
Today I am in a place of shame. I am battling with feeling that I am caught, after all, in the same diet – lose – rejoice! – give up – gain – shame cycle that has characterized my life for years. I am struggling with feeling like I haven’t changed one bit…it just took longer this time to prove it… Now I am stuck here…
Being on the worship team is really hard for me right now. There are only four of us up there…and my weight loss was “on display” and now I feel like there are spotlights on my hips where bulges have re-emerged…and neon signs are flashing “FRAUD! FRAUD! FRAUD!” Obviously, I know that Sunday mornings aren’t about me. But my flesh rears it’s ugly head and screams “They notice! They see! They can tell I am sinning!”
It has always bothered me that “food sin” is one of the few sins that shows up so everyone can see like a badge of dishonor…cripes. My heart is that no one will care about anything but God, of course…but my flesh keeps hollering at me that I shouldn’t be up there…
In the past, as I have shared previously, I would have gotten off the worship team faster than you can say “Fatso.” I know this time that I don’t have that right…I keep hoping that the worship pastor will say to me… “When the moon is full…” So I can respond with our code phrase: “…the geese will fly…” Meaning, it is time for me to get off the worship team. But so far, he hasn’t said anything about the moon or about my getting off…and I know that God doesn’t want me hitting the door at a dead run as is my desire.
What is wrong with pantie lines? Why do women have to pretend we don’t wear underwear? I can’t figure that one out and when hips are splaying, already pushing at the seams of new pants recently purchased, underwear lines accentuate every indiscretion that shows up on my body as an additional bump or cellulite dimple–even under new Dockers. :-/
So here I am…an hour from worship team practice before church, wishing I could hide under a rock. Or…I have an idea! I can offer to help with the sound board! There is a shortage of people who will do that! What a GREAT idea! Hmmm…I have a feeling the worship pastor would want to know why my sudden change in heart…
How will I possibly lead the song “The More I Seek You” this morning? Well, it really does reflect my heart…I know it is true…
Praying for you…please pray for me too.
Lord please wrap Your loving arms around Heidi this morning. Hold her close and tender please Lord. Meet her where she is – help her to hear Your voice as You tell her that she is Your beloved – loved by You – Your little girl – Your sister – how we can be all of those things baffles my mind Lord – however You meet us in each of those places. Please help her to know that she is loved – just as she is right this moment – that no matter what the voices in her head are saying – You still define her and love her. Please help her Lord. Amen.
Oh, Heidi, sweet sister in Him,Please know how precious you are. Not only for your transparency, but for your wisdom. I’ve often felt so connected to what you write and this time is no different. It’s like we’re twins! I just went and bought 2 new pairs of jeans at Goodwill yesterday…up a size. Aaah! I know exactly how you feel. Well, not exactly, because I’m not on our Praise Team. I’ve been beating myself up so much lately…just not glorifying Him in my eating. That’s all I can say. I’m a little down right now and just wanted you to know that I care about you. Deeply. Genuinely.Diahn
Oh, Heidi, sweet sister in Him,Please know how precious you are. Not only for your transparency, but for your wisdom. I’ve often felt so connected to what you write and this time is no different. It’s like we’re twins! I just went and bought 2 new pairs of jeans at Goodwill yesterday…up a size. Aaah! I know exactly how you feel. Well, not exactly, because I’m not on our Praise Team. I’ve been beating myself up so much lately…just not glorifying Him in my eating. That’s all I can say. I’m a little down right now and just wanted you to know that I care about you. Deeply. Genuinely.Diahn
Thank you, sweet sisters, for your encouragement and prayers. Lord, you see our hearts…I ask that you might help us to hear that you love us, delight over us with singing, that we can’t “disgust” you or even disappoint you. You look upon us with 100% complete approval. No, not our sin…but you have chosen to love us tenderly, completely, irrevocably…may we believe what YOU say in your Word…believe that this love is without measure or end or equal…and may we respond in heartfelt gratitude… Where we have chosen food over closeness with you, please show us the inadequacy of our choice…may we cling to you, eyes be ever fixed on you, renounce shame and choose joy. In the name of Jesus, Amen.
Thank you, sweet sisters, for your encouragement and prayers. Lord, you see our hearts…I ask that you might help us to hear that you love us, delight over us with singing, that we can’t “disgust” you or even disappoint you. You look upon us with 100% complete approval. No, not our sin…but you have chosen to love us tenderly, completely, irrevocably…may we believe what YOU say in your Word…believe that this love is without measure or end or equal…and may we respond in heartfelt gratitude… Where we have chosen food over closeness with you, please show us the inadequacy of our choice…may we cling to you, eyes be ever fixed on you, renounce shame and choose joy. In the name of Jesus, Amen.
Love you, Heidi. Praying for you… So appreciate the fact that you are real!
Love you, Heidi. Praying for you… So appreciate the fact that you are real!