I feel like I am learning to live. When I went through the Thin Again book 8 years ago (now known as Get Thin Stay Thin), there was a disconnect. I felt like I was doing all the emotional work and it was TOUGH. My response to the emotional work was to run to food! Sort of counter productive in some ways. In other ways, not so much…the deeper work had to be done in order for me to ever begin to walk faithfully with the Lord in surrendering my food to Him.
In the past 4 days since I began to process this material again, I have found myself overwhelmed as if I have never gone through it. Today was a classic example of this. I found myself just dreading heading into the valley of the shadow of death…Through tears.
Today, I had a very emotional experience…one that challenged me emotionally, but physically, too. I didn’t feel the emotions and struggles until I was in my car heading home. Then tears just flowed. All I could think of was how I needed a Cherry Pepsi…or a candy bar…or a decadent dessert from the Deli in town (they have amazing desserts)…and I realized I couldn’t do that…If I am going to go through this processing..the pain of it all…it can’t be for nothing. I have to learn to LIVE what I am walking through.
Just this morning, I quoted the GTST book as saying: But this hunger cannot be completely silenced. It cries out to be heard. It is our compelling desire to be loved, protected and considered precious. p. 11
What I was tempted to do on my drive home was to do precisely that thing…to SILENCE the hunger. The compelling desire in me to be loved, protected and considered precious. The stuff I had just gone through had challenged that. My beliefs about who I am have been rocked.
I realized in that moment that I WILL NOT silence that hunger…that cry of my heart. Instead, I have to allow myself to feel it, to hear it…and to turn to the Lord to have it be answered…
I am blessed that the Lord kept me from stopping in at Holiday. This leg of the journey has begun…and it is off to an effective start.