Just moments ago, I was digging through my hard drive trying to find space for my DisneyWorld videos and photos. I found the following entry from an online journal at a friend’s website. I wrote it five and a half years ago. I wonder if anyone can relate to this? I know I can right now:
December 20, 2002
Gosh, I hope that those of us who have been battling discouragement don’t quit. I have been in this place. I seem to live in it, in fact.
Recently, however, God is bringing home a new truth to my heart. My life on earth is not about my life on earth. Does that make sense? It is about closeness with the Lord. I am learning that God wants MORE THAN ANYTHING for me to press in to HIM. To cling to Him. To know Him.
Sometimes, I have valued the blessings of THIS life more than I have the value of knowing HIM. So, when (if) I behave myself, I seem to expect him to do his part.
But…I don’t think he will–or he doesn’t *have* to. He is an untamed God–unpredictable. Yes, he is loving and wonderful and compassionate and all the things the bible says, but I can’t make him (compel him to) do things in my life that I want. When I expect that and he doesn’t, I get disappointed, angry, mad and even begin to take on a different view of his character.
So, I let go of my assumption that if I let go of food I will someday be svelte. You know what? I think that has been an idol for me. Even being healthy…that goal has been an idol for me.
I want to know Jesus and him crucified…I want to know the power of sharing in his sufferings. I want to count ALL things as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him.
I have finally realized that my battle with food, my body, self image and on and on are not about my finally “getting it.” They are about my knowing Christ. I would never have sought him so much if not for this struggle, but because I think he isn’t doing his part (making me lose weight since I am jumping through the right hoops, for instance) I have allowed that to distort my view of His character. No more. Now I will let go of my insistence that I control what HE does by my “obedience” or my behavior.
Instead, I will trust that He is God. He is good. Knowing HIM will satisfy that emptiness…not just now but for eternity. It doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try to eat less, but my goal will be to know Him. To lean into Him, rather than to live a certain way so God will bless my efforts. I don’t believe that is biblical. I have been in error. I find that as I recognize this, confess it, and look to God to reform my life perspective, the pressure IS off.
I have been singing with a CD about Him being more than enough…yet until a few days ago, I was so mad at Him that I couldn’t imagine finding Him satisfying ever again… Letting go of the thought that “If I do this and this and this then God will do this and this and this…” really has taken the pressure off. It has freed me up to see HIM. To draw nearer to Him and in that place I have been finding he IS truly satisfying.
My compulsion for reaching for food has diminished. Now I LOVE him again. When the compulsion rears its head I want to cling to HIM. I want to KNOW Him more than I want the taste of a favorite food in my mouth.
– *Repentant Rebel ~ (working on it in Christ…) Phil 4:13
(* Repentant Rebel was my screen name during that season…)