My “boyfriend” 😉 for the past 26 years grabbed a pair of jeans from the Eddie Bauer outlet store shelf…placed them in my arms with other clothes he had selected. With a glint in his eye, he challenged, “…and try these on, too. But let me see you when you get them on!”
Didn’t my husband realize that these jeans–all of these clothes, in fact–were at least one full size smaller than any I have ever worn, even at my smallest? I have gotten XL shirts and tops for years. What was he doing handing me something with an “M” on it? And the jeans…didn’t he “get” that I am so much bigger than that? Didn’t he *see* that I wouldn’t look right in jeans of that style and size? How embarrassing this was going to be!
I miraculously slipped into the jeans (I now understand why stretch jeans exist!) and a top that he had selected and self-consciously emerged from the fitting room. He ogled me, which was uncomfortable on the one hand, but marvelouson the other hand! He said something about my “figure” and wearing fabrics and sizes to “show it off.” If his eyes hadn’t been on *me*, I literally would have thought he was talking to someone else. What he said, based on what he supposedly *saw*, didn’t match what I see when I look in the mirror. I wasn’t sure *what* to make of his compliments, but I decided that since God had ordained my matrimonial match with this man, I would go ahead and roll with it–and, perhaps, even enjoy it!
We had an amazing afternoon of shopping, purchasing more clothes than I have at any one time in forever…but ALL items that hubby specifically liked. Hmm…I could get used to this. If I ask him if I can shop for clothes, he sort of hems and haws about the money thing. But this time, I had coyly asked him if he would go with me and pick out a couple of things he might like…I ended up with a new wardrobe! SUCCESS! 🙂
When we got home, I made another appraisal of the things we had purchased–still surprised by the sizes and styles that he liked (are they making things bigger now? I have to think so!). I was struck by how differently my husband sees me than I see myself. I never would have guessed I was this wrong!
Months ago someone emailed me asking me to write a blog post about body distortion. I am not really sure I know what she meant, but I wonder if she meant that we sometimes think of ourselves differently than we *are*. I don’t know that I will ever think of myself as a women’s “M” – medium. I may always think of myself as a “large” woman…or Xtra Large…even XXL woman because I lived there so long. Based on what I discovered when I had hubby pick out clothes for me me…maybe my perception IS distorted. Maybe I am not seeing myself accurately.
Which makes me wonder about other things…How does Jesus see me? Do I see myself in a distorted way at a deeper level, too?
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us,
so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
– 2 Corinthians 5:21
Do I “get” that I am not the “size” or “shape” that I have assumed? I am no longer SIN. Christ has done it all. He has won! He took my sin upon him so that I might BECOME THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD! This is far more amazing than being a smaller size than I think. As great as that may be, to really grasp that what GOD says about me is TRUE–that I am the righteousness of Christ–this blows my mind. What if I were to *live* like I *believe* God about this? That I believe this to be true?
How about you? What would it make if you were to see yourself as God sees you–if you were to believeGod? If you are in Christ, if you proclaim Him as your Savior and Lord, God says you *are* Christ’s righteousness!
I used to love to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch or dinner. With my rather hefty appetite, they had a meal that I could put away easily. “Two piece chicken and a biscuit, all dark, extra crispy with fries instead of mashed potatoes.” The extra crispy chicken recipe was incredibly yummy. Then, probably twenty years or so ago they changed it to a “new” crispy version. I haven’t enjoyed their chicken much since. “New” wasn’t better for me. In fact, I didn’t know why they changed it as the old way was awesome! Maybe God was saving me (and my heart and arteries) from myself. 😉 I didn’t eat it in moderation, certainly and that is not a problem any more!
So often, we prefer things the way they are. My husband and I tried a new Mexican restaurant last weekend and were disappointed. I remember saying to him when we got the bill, why try something different when the old tried and true is just fine?
I am so thankful that when the Lord chooses to do a new work in me, it is truly an improvement. It isn’t for no reason. It is “improved” or “bigger and better.” He seems to be in the business of new…quite frequently–even when I think things are “fine.” Even when I think things are “godly” and good…even excellent and God-honoring just as they are.
If you have been a visitor at my blog very often, you know by now that the theme that reverberates through many of the pages here is that of a new thing:
18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19
This season of my life is filled with a major, MAJOR “new thing.” I see now that I have been living with the illusion that things were “fine” as is. The old crispy seemed really good to me. It didn’t need to change. Unlike changing the ingredients in a favorite menu item, however, there is a boat-load of pain associated with the changes God is bringing in my life right now. He has, as it were, pulled a veil back…a veil I didn’t know was in place. In doing so, he has exposed the truth of my life–things that I thought were submitted to him, honoring to him, he has shown to be merely a veneer that has hidden the truth of what was beneath–things that had to be exposed.
I didn’t hide or choose not to see truth intentionally. In fact, it is still hard to believe how clueless I have been. I walked with God daily, my prayer life had deepened, I was involved in ministry, and writing what promised to be a wonderful new book 🙂 with a favorite friend, author, and mentor, Judy Halliday. This all came to a screeching halt as God seemingly surreptitiously, yet with love, drew back the shroud that had kept me lulled into a sense of self-confidence. He has shown me now how desperately I need him and that there are so very many idols I have looked to for meaning and a sense of purpose and identity–even while I thought I was serving and honoring him.
The pain of this “new thing” is almost beyond my ability to withstand. In fact, apart from the promises of His Word and leaning on the presence of His Spirit, I crumble. He is calling me to a greater dying to myself, a higher dependence on Him in the moment. Nothing is safe from scrutiny. I no longer can assume anything. I no longer trust myself and my judgment. I must lean on him for EVERYTHING.
Whatever it is that God is doing, is like birthing twin bales of barbed wire. And there are no guarantees what will remain when all is said and done and this season is over. I have every confidence that God will be Lord in a way I never have yet known him.
Whatever He is doing inside of me, it looks like chaos, but somehow there’s peace. This is true. He is doing a new thing. I anticipate that 2011 will be a year of much more change and transformation. I anticipate it with some level of fear, but also a sense of adventure. I know that His perfect love will cast out my fear and I will be left with something truly “new and improved.”
How about you? What new thing is God up to in your life? Is He calling you to release something old to be able to make room to embrace what He intends to fill your arms, mind, heart?
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.
What is more, I consider everything a loss
because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,
for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ
and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which is through faith inChrist—
the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.
I want to know Christ—
yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death,
and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
Horses are amazing creatures. I have been blessed to get to live my childhood dream of having a horse–four times over. While I hope to find a good home for one or two of my horses, I love them deeply and God uses them to teach me things I might otherwise miss. This week has been a bit rough. My special boy, Harley (pictured here), has been “colicky.” For non-horse people when a horse is “colicky” it is different than it is with humans. It doesn’t just mean uncomfortable and with a need to pass gas. It can be symptomatic of something going on in the gut that will cost the horse his life. Harley hasn’t been eating much or digesting the food that he has been eating–he hasn’t been drinking and could be dehydrated. He could end up with an impaction in his intestines. A horse’s intestines can get twisted so easily…and before you know it, they can die.
It is odd really. Horses are used to convey images of strength, freedom, grace, power. Yet rather than being robust creatures, they are “frail” in some ways. They have specific nutritional needs, for instance. Even the way their hooves function–with tender, delicate tissue holding the hoof capsule and foot together–a connection that can be broken down with something as simple as too much sugar (grazing on spring grass, for instance)–betrays such tender balance between power and frailty.
As I have been on 24-hour alert for Harley this week, God has been whispering a deeper truth to my heart.
Lately, with the chaos in my life, I have grasped for control–of something, of anything. When things have “gone wonky” in the past, I have resorted to over-eating. Life is wonkier than it has been in my entire adult life and I am not turning to food to get me through. But instead, I have resorted to exercise. This may not sound “bad” or “wrong,” but I am a former exercise-a-holic. This is the first time I have returned to regular, rigorous exercise since my former obsession years ago. I have hesitated to do so…for the very reasons that I are now smack in my face. I tend to focus on the veneer–the strength, the “thin-ness,”–the things that are “good.” :-/ For three months now, I have been diligently, daily (even during my Disneyland trip) doing my “Turbofire” workouts.
This may sound so good…but don’t be betrayed by the veneer. Beneath the surface is weakness…fear…all the things that made me want not to return to this kind of exercise. Now I am hooked all over again. Freedom that I had is gone. I feel like an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon! 🙁 While I appreciate the strengthening of my physical body, it isn’t worth the weakening of my spirit. I may appear “strong” on the outside, but I feel that, like horse, it wouldn’t take much for my “gut to get twisted” and to die. Emotionally and spiritually, I have died inside a bit with the emergence of this new physical strength and the compromises that have led to it.
Thing is…I don’t want to stop. I want to maintain the physical changes. In fact, I want more physical changes. :-/ I just want to be able to have my cake and eat it, too. I want to be really fit without my heart and mind being in spiritual and emotional bondage. Truth is, I am so incredibly weak emotionally. My biceps and abs may be stronger, leaner, firmer–they are only the veneer right now. Like Harley when he hasn’t been eating right and drinking, the strength of my heart and mind have been compromised–they are weaker.
Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales;
rather, train yourself to be godly.
For physical training is of some value,
but godliness has value for all things,
holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
– 1 Timothy 4:7,8
When I exercise, I get a false sense of control. I also enjoy the rush of endorphins which combats the melancholy that is biting at my heels. Exercise (firming muscle that is there) combined with imperfectly continuing to follow Thin Within principles has brought me back down to the size I was when I released all my weight previously with Thin Within (the Fall/Winter 2007). I don’t have a scale and I don’t know or care how much I weigh. I just pulled out my clothes from 2007 and am wearing them comfortably.
If I focus on size and appearance and functional strength, I can enjoy life a lot now in a way I couldn’t before. I am fitter than I have been since my marathoning days. My husband seems pleased. 😉 I really LIKE being able to do things I can’t when I am not fit. Being thin isn’t being fit. I love sports and activities and my life is rather active. The working out I am doing is making it possible for me to do the things I enjoy more effectively.
At the same time, though, I am disappointed that I have been duped, that I have given in, compromised, allowed a worldly, fleshly mindset to take command.
And isn’t that what we do? We tend to focus on the externals–people may be fit and thin and “gorgeous,” but what it took/takes to get and stay there…may cost them so much more than what they get out of it.
I am hoping to find a place of moderation, that happy “both” place. I know that many people can be fit and exercise and not have it be a functional savior…that is my desire and my quest.
How about you? Do you have a veneer of strength? Is there a weakness beneath that veneer? What does the Lord call you to do about it?
Hi, everyone. I know it has been a while since I have checked in. I don’t get writing time much any more, so I cheated and just recorded a video tonight.
I hope it encourages you. I would love to hear from you about it!
As I watched this video, shared by friends on Facebook, I couldn’t help but see myself as the baby elephant and my Christian brothers and sisters as the other elephants in this video. I have been surrounded and rescued…upheld, yes, even rebuked, but loved to safety. Thank you, my sisters and brothers. Thank you for your faithfulness, for your love, for your willingness to speak truth. I trust that you will see yourselves in this video…which, as a nature video is absolutely amazing. (I get blown away by this stuff as GOD CREATED ELEPHANTS to be SO AMAZING!!!!).
Is there anyone you know who is in need of rescuing? Can you offer a hand to be sure they don’t sink in the mire and muck?
Perhaps, like me, you are the one in need of help. When we struggle, it is a temptation to isolate. What community can you turn to for support right now?
When it is tempting to get my eyes on people or circumstances, I am learning that I can either “go with the flow” (NOT a good idea) or “romance” a heart tender to the Lord–setting my sights on restoration, nurturing whatever it will take in my life to be at that place where I want the Lord…desperately, even if I don’t feel that way now.
Practically, this means I don’t let just anything have access to my affections. I am more prone to wander so far from the Lord. Some who know me may think mistakenly that daily quiet times are my habit because I am “so godly.” Or that I set my timer on my watch to check in with God hourly (or more often) because I “love the Lord” so much. The truth is, I am so NOT godly. The truth is, I am so prone to love the things of this world that I have to do these things to survive without sinking into a horrific pit of sin and despair.
Knowing that about myself causes me to guard myself…even to the point that movies, books, magazines, music, and the company I choose to keep during this time simply must contribute to a godly mindset.
For example, while there may be nothing wrong with secular music for most people, *I* know where words bathing my mind can take me. Do I really want “Poor Poor Pitiful Me” (Linda Ronstadt in the 1970s) to be going through my head again and again, even during the night when my mind is idle? Or would I rather have something going through my head like what I woke up to this morning: “God has a perfect timing, God has a perfect plan, He’s asking you to trust him, even when you don’t understand. Our God is faithful, what he promises he will do, Our God is able, his truth will see us through…” (Thank you, Michele Wagner!)
Which do I want washing over my mind as I sleep (or don’t), as I go through the day, as I interact with others, as I am faced with sadness or surprises or disappointments? It is clear that “Poor Poor Pitiful Me” is likely to resonate with me more, but what is TRUTH? I am a daughter of the King! I have an amazing inheritance kept for me in heaven! I am NOT poor or pitiful. God IS faithful!
I have to choose truth right now, even if it feels like a reach for me.
This is a time when even if I don’t FEEL the truth of a song, I make it a prayer: “Lord, I want to see Your faithfulness afresh today. Help me to see with new eyes.” Music is either an expression of praise for me or a prayer beseeching God to meet me and flood all my empty places. For me, music that can’t be used this way is often detrimental to fixing my mind on truth–at least during a season like the one in which I currently find myself. This may not always be the case–and this is just a season right now, where I must be exceptionally cautious.
Further, right now I need to guard my heart from people who, in an effort to be supportive knowing my situation, will encourage an attitude of entitlement or “you have a *reason* to be mad!” I don’t need help digging in my heels, “donkey-legging” or being prideful.
This is also a really good time for me to get to know God afresh. Who is He according to His Word? If I allow my *feelings* to define my God, I am, in effect, creating God in my own image. This is a temptation right now more than ever. Instead, I want an accurate view of God. I have to approach the Word *assuming* that I have a warped view of Him and invite His Spirit to give me fresh clarity–a view of what is *truth*.
It is so clear to me that my mind is the battlefield and if I don’t guard it zealously and jealously, the enemy *will* invade it and/or my flesh will take command. So being paranoid, if anything, about what accesses my mind is vital to me. I would rather err on the side of caution than walk on in arrogance and in error.
It has also been helping me to pray verses that God has used to encourage me, putting many on a spiral bound set of index cards.
Even if God “disappoints me,” I have to nurture an awareness of His presence. I *have* to because it is my life line. If I don’t have Him to cling to, I may as well flush my life down the toilet. There, simply, is nothing I want to live for apart from God. No, not even my kids. They are human, too, and that means they can wound and disappoint. But when God is my all, when He is the only one that I pin my hope to, I have a better view of the things that people do that would otherwise disappoint or wound me. In other words, by fixing my eyes on God and allowing Him to orient my entire life, the rest is put in a better place, too.
Oh, goodness! Do you see what I mean? I have to romance the tenderness. I have to DO the things that will cause me to WANT the Lord and not my own way.
I have seen tangible benefits of doing this…enough so that it keeps me hanging in there. For instance, I have been surprisingly filled with gratitude for people in my life who God wants to use to refine me–the very same people who wound and disappoint! Apart from romancing the tender heart I *know* where I would go, instead–toward bitterness and resentment. If I let down my guard for even a moment, that is where I end up. Resentful. Filled with bitterness and maybe even hate. By romancing the tenderness, I have been able to see my own mistakes and foolishness and to ask others to forgive me for the things that have contributed to conflict. God is sanctifying…making holy through this process, but apart from romancing the tender heart, I would be in a very different place–defensive, much more arrogant, angry, totally depressed. Who wants to go there? I certainly don’t. That is a pit that is hard to get out of.
This isn’t easy, certainly. But God’s Spirit enables. I personally would rather go the path of least resistance. But I refuse to stop fighting for what I know is truth. I refuse to give in. In fact, I am in all out rebellion against my flesh and my culture that says “If it feels good, do it.” This does NOT “feel good.” This is hard. But if I let go, if I allow the hardness to have its way with me, I will stop living–or I may as well.
How about you? Do you need to romance a tender heart? What would help you to practically do this?
Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
These are things that the LORD is reinforcing to me personally, uniquely, specially, during this season in my life.
Thank you for your prayers!
That has meant so much to me and continues to.
When my eyes are on man–instead of God–and man is frail and wounded and hurting, then my way is in a fog and seems so unclear. As the person dear to me goes through turmoil–one hour feeling good about things, the next as if they had fallen off a cliff–as long as I lean on them for strength, meaning, and identity, I find myself paralleling their journey. Like a dumb sheep, I follow them right off the cliff.
Depression is tricky. When you love a depressed person, your journey can become just as challenging as theirs. God intends to be our everything.
He is drawing my gaze more and more to his lovely, loving face. There, I find peace, solitude, even in the midst of challenges.
I want to encourage you…seek His face. Fix your eyes on Jesus. My life–your life–is now hidden with Christ in God…
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ,
set your hearts on things above,
where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take d elight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a] He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
(Zephaniah 3:17)
(Typically in my blog posts I place a passage at the top for you to read in whatever version you prefer. In this case, I chose this passage from the New Living Translation. It speaks more clearly as to what I sense the intent of this passage is trying to communicate.)
This passage strikes me to the heart (in a good way). I, like many of you, want to love Jesus and grow in His love and grace everyday. There is a plethora of scriptures that encourage us to delight in God, to see Him as our “all in all”, to walk with Him through the eyes of faith, to fall in love with Him more and more each day. Many years ago, however, I was deeply impacted by this passage in Zephaniah. In fact, I first heard it as a song, taught to us back in Bible College days, by an awesome worship leader and fellow student from Hutchinson, KS. Singing this passage not only made it easy to memorize but even 30 years later, I can readily recall the song to my mind and remind myself of a critically important truth –
GOD DELIGHTS IN ME!
The word “delights” can mean to exult which means to have exceeding joy or to be jubilant. God has exceeding joy over you and me; in fact, He is jubilant because of us.
Other parts of the Bible tell me that He loves me with an everlasting love; that He lavishes His love on me; I am His beloved because my life is hid with Christ in God. The list can literally go on and on.
During this recent chapter of my journey with God my desire, my focus, my passion has been and continues to be to honor God in all that I do, hear His voice more clearly, obey His will more readily and love Him more deeply.
But…today as I read this passage it was like God saying to me, “Stan, I love you My son and am greatly encouraged by your desire to honor and obey me during this challenging transition time in your life. But, I want you to know and understand something even beyond that. Stan, I delight in you. I rejoice over you. My love for you is SO deep.”
This sounds pretty basic and seems like a pretty simple truth portrayed in Zephaniah 3:17. But, if you are like me (and I know you are because we all live with the taint of Adam and Eve’s choices), you tend to be driven by pleasing God, doing things for God, taking actions that show forth His fruit in your life and well we should. However, how long has it been since you just allowed the truth to soak deep into your heart and soul that God DELIGHTS in you and REJOICES over you, even to the point of singing.
I’m grappling with this truth even as I write this latest blog post. So, here’s a few points to ponder along with me, your fellow sojourner:
Do I really believe that God delights and rejoices over me through the power of His unconditional love?
How often am I guilty of doing things for God because I’m driven rather than drawn
How often do I feel His rest and peace in my life?
Am I willing to cease striving and allow God to hug me?
When was the last time I “sat in Jesus’ lap” and just rested against Him and chatted with Him or even just sat in silence?
I wonder what joyful song God is singing over you and me today?
-=-=-
Today’s blog post is by a special guest. Stan Kellner’s blog was referred to me by a friend. When I read his post, I knew I had to share it with you all. I hope you find it encouraging. Stan Kellner has been speaking for over thirty years on various subjects including the Jewish roots of our faith, evangelism, insights on Israel and practical insights for effective living.He grew up in a Conservative Jewish home on Boston’s North Shore and became a believer in Jesus as Messiah on September 23, 1973. Be sure to visit his website to find out more about Stan and resources he has available.<!–[if !mso]> st1:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } <![endif]–>
Didn’t my husband realize that these jeans–all of these clothes, in fact–were at least one full size smaller than any I have ever worn, even at my smallest? I have gotten XL shirts and tops for years. What was he doing handing me something with an “M” on it? And the jeans…didn’t he “get” that I am so much bigger than that? Didn’t he *see* that I wouldn’t look right in jeans of that style and size? How embarrassing this was going to be!
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