When I was about 5 years old, my big sister (12 years my senior) would tackle me to the floor, straddle my middle, pin my arms with her knees and tickle me relentlessly. She wouldn’t stop until I said what she wanted me to say…
“Say ‘Uncle!’, ” she would taunt.
“Say, ‘Uncle, with a cherry on top!'”
“UNCLE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!!!”
(Evil glimmer in big sister’s eyes…) “Say ‘UNCLE with a cherry on top and pretty please, you are the most amazing sister in the world…'”
“UNCLE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP AND PRETTY PLEASE YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING SISTER IN THE WORLD!!!!”
I am convinced this was a form of torture designed to ensure my undying fealty to her supremacy in our household. If I wasn’t submissive enough, the tickle torture was sure to be my lot in life. I could run, but I couldn’t hide.
I am at a point right now with all this *stuff* having to do with eating, food, my body…where I just want to holler “UNCLE!” I want to be DONE with it!
Lord, I will say whatever you want, but can we just quit? I can’t take another minute of it.
In my journal this morning, I wrote the following:
As I sit here right now, I feel a tiredness, a lack of caring–how could I feel this way?–I am before the God of the universe!…I think I am so tired of trying to “be good,” or to “process” all of this stuff, of trying to “be healed,” “get well…” Of trying to connect with God through all the noise of my life and struggles–of having this ISSUE in my life. It always seems to be THE THING that keeps me from being as close to God as I long to be. I just wish it would go away. I am tired of trying to deal with it. I am tired of the struggle, the sin, the failure…
“Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them.
The LORD your God, who is going before you,
will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt,
before your very eyes, and in the desert.
There you saw how the LORD your God carried you,
as a father carries his son,
all the way you went until you reached this place.”
I can’t even bring myself to honestly ask application questions this morning…something like “Are you feeling tired of this battle?” (Who isn’t?) “What will you do to press on and not give up?”…or something like that…but I can’t even say I am willing to DO anything more right now…I just have to rest. I have to. I can’t keep on. (Maybe that is the point?)
Why is it I have this tendency to think that if I am not DOING something, it means I am “giving up?”