If I were to consider “failure” in my life, I think I would be tempted to think most quickly about my horse “misadventures.” Having dreamed of having horses all my life, at the ripe-old-age of 40, my family and I moved to the country and bought FOUR at once. The dream was that we would hit the trails together! Simple dream–or so we thought. We had been given the resources to acquire them (we have since found out that the cheapest thing about horses is the initial purchase…the rest is…well, that is fodder for another post…), so it certainly seemed like a simple thing. Four people, four horses and we would have years as a family in the Great Wide Open enjoying one another, nature and our trusty steeds.
We happened to get four horses with “special needs.” We did everything wrong that could be done wrong in buying our four. One was a young, green 4 year old with 35 year old joints. One was a rip-snorting-fire breathing behemoth when out on the trail. One was formerly abused with rearing and bolting being his first line of defense if he thought he would be eaten…which was all the time. And one was Breezy. Well, Breezy was the first we acquired and had they all been like him, we would have been fine. Nevertheless, even Breezy was possibly older than featured.
So never, never, never have we had more than two of them on the trail at once.
It would be very easy to allow this failure to define me. We get jokes all the time about “Don’t you ride them?” Well…yes…but I am the only one who can ride all of them…and I don’t go for “Roman Riding” so they aren’t all ridden at once. Breezy can be ridden by any member in our family so…well…I can go out with one other member of my family at a time. (Below is a photo of what I mean by “Roman Riding.”)
After all this time, you would think we would have progressed some. Others say “Why don’t you get rid of them and get horses that work for your family?”
The thing is, I believe God has been redeeming this situation. I see it so clearly with the horse thing. I wonder why I don’t see it with other things?
God has used my horses to teach me about shaking loose from my past and not allowing it to define me. He has shown me about rewarding the try when my son was a pre-adolescent with hormones beginning to rage. He has shown me lessons about loyalty and even taught me things through the fungus in my horses’ feet! God has taught me about how mechanical I can be in my relationship with him when he wants my *heart* just like I want the heart of my horses–not just their feet to go a certain direction.
I can go out to their pasture (they live here) and sit with them, smell them, talk with them, brush them…all kinds of joy is there…joy that I dreamed of all my life. And, of course, riding them is amazing. I have seen places that I wouldn’t have been likely to see. And while my dream of having our family do these things together hasn’t yet been realized, I still don’t feel prone to call myself a “failure” because of this (although, I do have days when I am closer to it than others). God has obviously taken all these things and used them for a greater good to form and shape my character and I think the character of my family members, too. Yes, I still hope that one day my kids, hubby and I will experience fun together astride our own four horses (though it isn’t likely it will be THESE four horses), but I am not sure I would trade what we have experienced in our “failure” for a superficial “success” riding on the trails together each weekend.
Something deeper has been at work. Something eternal.
2 Corinthians 4: 17-18, which I have probably quoted recently says:
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
So does it make sense to take on the identity of “Failure” when I struggle along with things? When I start my day with great intentions, commit to 0 to 5 eating, and by the end of the day discover I have “botched” it up…even so, I am not a failure! I am a saint, called by God, who sometimes fails. There is a HUGE difference as chapter 10 in Thin Within so clearly says.
If we see our “failures” through God’s lens, we are much less likely to excuse our behavior or beat ourselves up over them. Through His eyes, perceived failures become opportunities. He sees our need and, in His grace, responds by coming alongside us to meet that need. Thin Within, page 95
Today, if you catch yourself in the midst of a “failure,” rather than allow it to define you, ask God how HE sees you. He has declared you perfectly acceptable in Christ. If you belong to Him, he has attributed all of Christ’s righteousness to you. He sees you as holy and beloved. Eating too much ice cream or hopping on the scale obsessively doesn’t change that at all.
Our performance is never the basis of His love for us. Thin Within, page 99
Do you believe that he accepts you 100% just as you are right now? Surely, if what Romans 5:8 says–that even while we were yet sinners–God chose to demonstrate his love for us by having Jesus die for us, we can KNOW that right now, even mid-way through the bag of Oreo cookies, he loves us as well. We can capture THIS moment for the Lord. Stop what we are doing. And rest in his embrace right now. EVEN now. He stands with his arms open wide, not condemning us in our current behavior, but calling us to reach out to him to fill our hearts full with his presence. He doesn’t define us by our performance. Christ’s performance on the cross is how God defines us now. Attributing even Christ’s righteousness to us. Let’s BELIEVE GOD!
Wow, Your blog is really God inspired! just the title of your message really got me!I have been defining my self by my failures for way too long; this has been an issue in my life that I have been recently revisiting and soon hope to sort out and bring to the trash heap!The horse pictures are beautiful! I love your personal story and your redefining of failure and how God can use our stuff to work in our lives.Thanks!
Wow, Your blog is really God inspired! just the title of your message really got me!I have been defining my self by my failures for way too long; this has been an issue in my life that I have been recently revisiting and soon hope to sort out and bring to the trash heap!The horse pictures are beautiful! I love your personal story and your redefining of failure and how God can use our stuff to work in our lives.Thanks!
Thanks, Dena. God definitely is speaking to my heart about this subject today!
Thanks, Dena. God definitely is speaking to my heart about this subject today!
Heidi,I am back, and have printed all the days I missed, and have seen both videos, and now the longer, I need to watch that one next – WOW.I feel for you and have you in my prayers. It is so hard when we are hurt by others, or by circumstances. At those times, I need to step back. God is doing wonderful things in our lives, and for every hurt, every thing that comes our way that anyone means for bad, God will turn it into good. You are special, what a beautiful blog, so filled with love, and so spirit filled. It is a joy to be back to read them again. We will leave again tomorrow sometime, need to travel 75 miles to pick up my grandson, then back home, then 120 to our small get away in the woods, on a lake. A place my husband built from scratch, first when we had money, then time, then money,then time, and so on. We must decide if we will sell it or not as they have rasied by assessment by 3. So, we are going to go as much as we can this summer, then if it is God will, we will sell next spring. Sometimes, things happen for a reason, and our children have wanted us to move from the neighborhood we are in, 38 years, and 3 raised kids later. But, by is the new assessment on the camp goes through, we might have not choice. For once in our 46 years of marriage we are thinking before acting, and praying. When we decide in the spring, it will be after much reflection and much seeking guidance from God.Love you much Heidi, I have never met you, but you are such a joy to 'know'. Please if you do not hear from me for a couple days, it is because I have escaped again, with my materials – and will be back on the blog when I return.LOLMadaline
Heidi,I am back, and have printed all the days I missed, and have seen both videos, and now the longer, I need to watch that one next – WOW.I feel for you and have you in my prayers. It is so hard when we are hurt by others, or by circumstances. At those times, I need to step back. God is doing wonderful things in our lives, and for every hurt, every thing that comes our way that anyone means for bad, God will turn it into good. You are special, what a beautiful blog, so filled with love, and so spirit filled. It is a joy to be back to read them again. We will leave again tomorrow sometime, need to travel 75 miles to pick up my grandson, then back home, then 120 to our small get away in the woods, on a lake. A place my husband built from scratch, first when we had money, then time, then money,then time, and so on. We must decide if we will sell it or not as they have rasied by assessment by 3. So, we are going to go as much as we can this summer, then if it is God will, we will sell next spring. Sometimes, things happen for a reason, and our children have wanted us to move from the neighborhood we are in, 38 years, and 3 raised kids later. But, by is the new assessment on the camp goes through, we might have not choice. For once in our 46 years of marriage we are thinking before acting, and praying. When we decide in the spring, it will be after much reflection and much seeking guidance from God.Love you much Heidi, I have never met you, but you are such a joy to 'know'. Please if you do not hear from me for a couple days, it is because I have escaped again, with my materials – and will be back on the blog when I return.LOLMadaline
Hi, Madaline. Thanks so much for your incredibly generous comments. God amazes me how he can take my feeble attempts to be real and do anything with them that might encourage another. Just another example of God being God. He does such amazing things all the time. I am so glad I get to be a part of it all. Thanks for checking in! I miss you when you are busy, but so glad to hear you are enjoying your summer. I trust God will lead you to make the right choice about your hideaway on the lake! Sounds dreamy!
Hi, Madaline. Thanks so much for your incredibly generous comments. God amazes me how he can take my feeble attempts to be real and do anything with them that might encourage another. Just another example of God being God. He does such amazing things all the time. I am so glad I get to be a part of it all. Thanks for checking in! I miss you when you are busy, but so glad to hear you are enjoying your summer. I trust God will lead you to make the right choice about your hideaway on the lake! Sounds dreamy!
Heidi,Thanks for you kind words too. Feel like I know you.NY weather is not good this year, so I won't be leaving until later today, after we get our grandson, but we are going. Very rainy summer.God is awesome, he puts people in our paths at just the right time, and you are here now for me. Thank GOd. I miss you too when I cannot check in, and as soon as I come back the first thing I check is the blog. I might be a day or two behind in the readings, but I am reading along. I love this program. Not sure how much I will get done with a 5 year old with me, but he bothers mostly grandpa anyway.I get myself into a pity party every now and again, feeling sorry for myself. This blog is soooo good for that. Does not condemn, and helps me to refocus my thoughts and feelings. You would think at 65 I would have it by now, but no. Jesus, what a wonderful friend he is and you remind me of that always.I have much to be thankful for. I had wonderful parents, and then God blessed me with a wonderful husband (not perfect) but truly good. I need to turn to God quickly, though, when I start feeling sorry, or I get myself into a real ditch. Sometimes, it takes more time than I would like to admit. And this blog is so helpful. I love being reminded that while everything is permissible, not everything is good for me. I also need to remind myself that God made his guidelines for MY good, not his. He does not need them, and when I disappoint him, he still loves me, he is disaapointed because then I make my life harder and he does not want that for his children. He wants us to have life to the fullest, trusting always in his love and mercy, knowing that if I keep my eyes on him, my life will be better. Such happiness with Jesus always by my side. But, I do get into pity parties, and just had a feast not too long ago. So, thank you for you blog, such a help. Back on the path again, and trying to arm myself for the next party I decide to attend. Also need to remember, that sometimes things happen with no real meaness intended.Thanks and I will check again before I leave.LOLMadaline
Heidi,Thanks for you kind words too. Feel like I know you.NY weather is not good this year, so I won't be leaving until later today, after we get our grandson, but we are going. Very rainy summer.God is awesome, he puts people in our paths at just the right time, and you are here now for me. Thank GOd. I miss you too when I cannot check in, and as soon as I come back the first thing I check is the blog. I might be a day or two behind in the readings, but I am reading along. I love this program. Not sure how much I will get done with a 5 year old with me, but he bothers mostly grandpa anyway.I get myself into a pity party every now and again, feeling sorry for myself. This blog is soooo good for that. Does not condemn, and helps me to refocus my thoughts and feelings. You would think at 65 I would have it by now, but no. Jesus, what a wonderful friend he is and you remind me of that always.I have much to be thankful for. I had wonderful parents, and then God blessed me with a wonderful husband (not perfect) but truly good. I need to turn to God quickly, though, when I start feeling sorry, or I get myself into a real ditch. Sometimes, it takes more time than I would like to admit. And this blog is so helpful. I love being reminded that while everything is permissible, not everything is good for me. I also need to remind myself that God made his guidelines for MY good, not his. He does not need them, and when I disappoint him, he still loves me, he is disaapointed because then I make my life harder and he does not want that for his children. He wants us to have life to the fullest, trusting always in his love and mercy, knowing that if I keep my eyes on him, my life will be better. Such happiness with Jesus always by my side. But, I do get into pity parties, and just had a feast not too long ago. So, thank you for you blog, such a help. Back on the path again, and trying to arm myself for the next party I decide to attend. Also need to remember, that sometimes things happen with no real meaness intended.Thanks and I will check again before I leave.LOLMadaline
Oh Heidi, bless you 🙂 Bless the Lord for His mercies everyday and His unconditional unfailing LOVE! I didn't realize until this blog entry that my subtle depression was because I was discouraged with "failures"…and believed that God was discouraged with me as well. If you asked me if I believed God was frustrated I would have said 'no' because of what I know to be true doctrinally…BUT, it was not what I was believing in my heart and behaviors! Oh Jesus, help me believe in Your unfailing love through and through!An aside, I need some encouragement, perhaps even direction if you or anyone else wants to share. Several years ago I read Thin Within and God began work in my heart, exposing emotional reasons for eating that He wanted me to give to Him! For a month or so I practiced the concepts and enjoyed the intimacy with Him…but over time I either would get distracted, discouraged or impatient (yeah, focus was likely on weight loss). I would eventually end up back in self-effort to try and control food/eating. In His faithfulness, He has brought me back to Him and Truth, and this time again I've been walking according to the Thin Within principles since early April. The first month was a sweet honeymoon of consistent waiting for hunger (0), and stopping well before I finished my plate with satisfaction, enjoying food tremendously…and the weight did come off to boot! However, after a month or so, a few overeating episodes brought some discouragement, and the battle for focus began. It's been a month now of focusing on Jesus, His Word, promises and attributes (on and off with focus on me, weight, failures) and I have decided a few weeks ago to put away the scale for the summer. I'm fairly certain I've released no more weight, may have put some back on in fact, and am trying so hard to focus on the attributes of God and on His love and provision for me. (It's hard to not care about the weight!) I'm tempted to focus on that initial season of ease and recreate it somehow, but I feel like focusing on the past is not where I need to be either. I was excited by the freshness of the freedom, the simplicity of hunger, and the joy of experiencing God more intimately throughout the day. I've viewed the "failures" since then as setbacks rather than as real life and continuing growth–and have believed wrongly that God is frustrated with me. That belief has led me AWAY from God actually, not toward Him which is where I need and want to be!So, I'm here NOT wanting to grow weary, NOT wanting to run elsewhere for overeating issues (where else is there to run but Jesus to heal this hungry heart of mine!). Plus! I'm leading other women through the Thin Within 30 days (we're on day 9). I feel like a "failure" and do not want to discourage them in this process of ongoing healing and discipleship. I ask the Lord to show me through observation and correction what is going on in each overeating episode where it's not 0-5, but sometimes it sounds vague or I don't have time to really process it. I'm simply "starting over" over and over, and am confessing and praying God's Word daily to myself. Really, I can talk spiritually like a pro, so I could "fake" it with the small group, but I do NOT want to short change myself or them in this process…but also want to keep it encouraging. Am I directionally correct? For now, that's hope enough and I'll trust the Lord with the rest, but if I'm missing something maybe keeping me from moving forward I want to see it however painful. I know no one here is with me day-to-day, but if anyone relates or has any insights, I'm asking the Lord and am expectant of His encouragement in whatever way He chooses (this blog has been awesome!). I don't want to disengage from this process, I want to stay in it with Jesus…Grace&peace,Heather
Oh Heidi, bless you 🙂 Bless the Lord for His mercies everyday and His unconditional unfailing LOVE! I didn't realize until this blog entry that my subtle depression was because I was discouraged with "failures"…and believed that God was discouraged with me as well. If you asked me if I believed God was frustrated I would have said 'no' because of what I know to be true doctrinally…BUT, it was not what I was believing in my heart and behaviors! Oh Jesus, help me believe in Your unfailing love through and through!An aside, I need some encouragement, perhaps even direction if you or anyone else wants to share. Several years ago I read Thin Within and God began work in my heart, exposing emotional reasons for eating that He wanted me to give to Him! For a month or so I practiced the concepts and enjoyed the intimacy with Him…but over time I either would get distracted, discouraged or impatient (yeah, focus was likely on weight loss). I would eventually end up back in self-effort to try and control food/eating. In His faithfulness, He has brought me back to Him and Truth, and this time again I've been walking according to the Thin Within principles since early April. The first month was a sweet honeymoon of consistent waiting for hunger (0), and stopping well before I finished my plate with satisfaction, enjoying food tremendously…and the weight did come off to boot! However, after a month or so, a few overeating episodes brought some discouragement, and the battle for focus began. It's been a month now of focusing on Jesus, His Word, promises and attributes (on and off with focus on me, weight, failures) and I have decided a few weeks ago to put away the scale for the summer. I'm fairly certain I've released no more weight, may have put some back on in fact, and am trying so hard to focus on the attributes of God and on His love and provision for me. (It's hard to not care about the weight!) I'm tempted to focus on that initial season of ease and recreate it somehow, but I feel like focusing on the past is not where I need to be either. I was excited by the freshness of the freedom, the simplicity of hunger, and the joy of experiencing God more intimately throughout the day. I've viewed the "failures" since then as setbacks rather than as real life and continuing growth–and have believed wrongly that God is frustrated with me. That belief has led me AWAY from God actually, not toward Him which is where I need and want to be!So, I'm here NOT wanting to grow weary, NOT wanting to run elsewhere for overeating issues (where else is there to run but Jesus to heal this hungry heart of mine!). Plus! I'm leading other women through the Thin Within 30 days (we're on day 9). I feel like a "failure" and do not want to discourage them in this process of ongoing healing and discipleship. I ask the Lord to show me through observation and correction what is going on in each overeating episode where it's not 0-5, but sometimes it sounds vague or I don't have time to really process it. I'm simply "starting over" over and over, and am confessing and praying God's Word daily to myself. Really, I can talk spiritually like a pro, so I could "fake" it with the small group, but I do NOT want to short change myself or them in this process…but also want to keep it encouraging. Am I directionally correct? For now, that's hope enough and I'll trust the Lord with the rest, but if I'm missing something maybe keeping me from moving forward I want to see it however painful. I know no one here is with me day-to-day, but if anyone relates or has any insights, I'm asking the Lord and am expectant of His encouragement in whatever way He chooses (this blog has been awesome!). I don't want to disengage from this process, I want to stay in it with Jesus…Grace&peace,Heather
Heather…does the marble jar illustration help with this at all? I know it has me when I have been in a similar place. Let me know, ok? Feel free to shoot me an email at trainedbyhorses@spiritofequus.com
Heather…does the marble jar illustration help with this at all? I know it has me when I have been in a similar place. Let me know, ok? Feel free to shoot me an email at trainedbyhorses@spiritofequus.com
Thank you Heidi, yes, the marble jar illustration helped tremendously! There's so much going on in my heart with the Lord, He is revealing so much behind why I overeat, that it can feel overwhelming at times (the temple "in ruins" indeed!) I'm noticing a pattern of thinking I'm trusting in the Lord in the beginning, but really I'm coasting on adrenaline for having a "new idea"…and then after a month or so, when the real work of living honestly before the Lord begins, I run back to old patterns of comfort and living. EXCEPT, I don't have peace there anymore either! So I'm in the awfully awkward in-between of decision…choosing to TRUST the Lord in spite of what I see with my eyes…and acknowledge the truth that if this is up to my perfect efforts, it'll never happen. It HAS to be God's power at work, through His Word, through focusing on Him, praising Him…as you say keeping a focus on His attributes until my mind and heart is changed. This IS the real focus I want. This IS the real journey I want. I do not want to grow weary then, and also want to get off the path of my performance…it's NOT about my efforts, but about my heart: open, broken, needy before Him.Thank you so much Heidi…the marbles are awesome…for us believers who are permanently marinated in the blood of Christ (never ever to be separated again), any "moments" of faithful fruiting are BONUS–treasures stored up for us in heaven where neither moth nor rust can destroy.Praise the Lord…for His unfailing love!
Thank you Heidi, yes, the marble jar illustration helped tremendously! There's so much going on in my heart with the Lord, He is revealing so much behind why I overeat, that it can feel overwhelming at times (the temple "in ruins" indeed!) I'm noticing a pattern of thinking I'm trusting in the Lord in the beginning, but really I'm coasting on adrenaline for having a "new idea"…and then after a month or so, when the real work of living honestly before the Lord begins, I run back to old patterns of comfort and living. EXCEPT, I don't have peace there anymore either! So I'm in the awfully awkward in-between of decision…choosing to TRUST the Lord in spite of what I see with my eyes…and acknowledge the truth that if this is up to my perfect efforts, it'll never happen. It HAS to be God's power at work, through His Word, through focusing on Him, praising Him…as you say keeping a focus on His attributes until my mind and heart is changed. This IS the real focus I want. This IS the real journey I want. I do not want to grow weary then, and also want to get off the path of my performance…it's NOT about my efforts, but about my heart: open, broken, needy before Him.Thank you so much Heidi…the marbles are awesome…for us believers who are permanently marinated in the blood of Christ (never ever to be separated again), any "moments" of faithful fruiting are BONUS–treasures stored up for us in heaven where neither moth nor rust can destroy.Praise the Lord…for His unfailing love!