I am not really sure what is up with me today. I feel so disheartened. I am still feeling bloated…that doesn’t help me to figure out hunger, but I also have been “searching” or something today. It doesn’t help that I made some wonderful Amish Friendship Bread with granola, nuts and cinnamon sugar on it. Eating that for my lunch isn’t exercising much by way of discernment. I wasn’t hungry at all, either. Or if I was, it was hidden by the fact I was feeling bloated. Bleah…
As I look back over the day, I think I started by feeling “guilt.” Instead of processing my guilt–rather conviction— by taking it to the Lord and observing and correcting (confession and repentance), I just stewed and allowed the Accuser to just use it to beat me over the head. I mean, I haven’t eaten very much at all today (relatively speaking), but I haven’t invited the Lord into what I *have* been eating. That is not only NOT what I want…I NEED to be intimate with him in this area of my life–in ALL areas of my life…but it is also what got me to a place I never want to return again. VERY overweight and miserable!!! I refuse to derail all that God is doing!
So, I guess I was feeling beat up by my own “club of condemnation” and I got out my Dance Praise and began to do that…about 40 minutes into it, I really hurt my arthritic ankle. This happens every now and then, though it hasn’t happened in a long while. It makes it hard to use it at all even for walking let alone “dancing.” So I stopped. I was bummed about that, too.
I think a part of my unconscious thinking was that I would somehow exercise to make up for any “boo boos” I had made with my food. Man alive!!! This is totally DIETING mentality! As I sit here typing this, I am processing it…and seeing it for what it is…good grief!
God forgive me! Lord, I submit myself to you right now, in this moment. I want to be what YOU want me to be. I want to walk in all YOUR ways. I know that if I trust in the Lord with all my heart and don’t lean on my own understanding, if in ALL my ways I acknowledge you, You will make my paths straight. That is all I have to do, really…just CHOOSE you. You even work in me to be willing to do that!
So, Lord, I choose you. Forgive me for not inviting you into my eating/drinking/everything today. I confess (observe) and repent (correct). I choose to turn away from mindlessly doing whatever I want, even if it seems “mild” and choose to follow YOUR leading. It isn’t the eating that is necessarily the sin here…it is rejecting your guidance, your leading, your hand. I identify it now as sin, confess it as such, and gladly, joyfully receive your forgiveness and empowering for the rest of this minute, this hour, this day.
Holy Spirit, please flood all the empty places in my life. Fill me up again to overflowing! Cause your truth to penetrate my heart again and keep me focused on the TRUTH, not on lies. I rejoice that you have revealed the Truth to me. I am free to live according to the Truth! Thank you. Let me believe God and what He says about me…and to LIVE, CHOOSE, ACT like I believe what I claim I believe!
And I pray, too, for my ankle…that it wouldn’t hurt any more. As quickly as the pain came on, I know you can make it go. Please do, Lord. But if you don’t, help me to learn from you what you want me to learn during this time. Help me never to depend on exercise again to lose weight. You have shown me in so many ways that I don’t need to do that. Exercise is something I do because of the great joy you have given me doing it and also because it causes my body to be healthier…I don’t want to do it so that I can eat more.
Thank you for your patience, kindness and that it is your kindness that leads me to repentance. In repentance and rest is my strength. I choose repentance and rest….I know you will take care of being my strength.