Early this morning, I watched the first installment of Beth Moore’s Daniel bible study. The first of her six points was “We … have an enemy who wants to return us to places God called us to leave.” I knew that my immediate application of this truth is to my old ways of eating, of thinking about food, my body, myself, my relationship with God.

I had just gotten started in the DVD segment on the second point: “God has also been sovereign in our captivities” and Beth’s justification for making this statement.

I noticed that my wolfdog, Bo, was standing next to me, but something wasn’t right. Then I noticed…he was literally gushing blood from his nostril (“gushing” is the word the vet used upon seeing him), earnestly trying to get ahead of it by licking himself.

I stopped everything to rush him to the vet. Now, 19 long hours after it started, it has been a long day…a day filled with heartache, confusion, tension, disappointment (I realize that this is nothing compared to what many deal with–a friend of mine lost her husband to cancer–I am a jerk for thinking that my dog stuff is as bad as I think it is…).

The news is mixed…some good, some not so good. The good news is that Bo has heartworm which is treatable. The not so good news is, because this had been ruled *out* three months ago, we have a fortune to pay in a vet bill now (and yet ahead) as they ran all sorts of intense tests to try to ferret out reasons for his bloody nose before they checked again for heartworm. A bleeding nose isn’t typically caused by heartworm, but that is a good place to start for the other things and the specialist thinks that it could be connected.

Right after I left Bo at the vet’s, I felt the rotten thinking of my past come over me. I argued with it. I was at a convenience store getting something to drink. The thought “I need to eat something” hit me like a ton of bricks. Fortunately, my mind (and heart) kicked in with “That won’t cure this aching feeling, this heartache, this dread” and continued with “Not only that, but if I were to eat, afterwards I will still be empty in my heart, but having to deal with having plunged headlong into food for solace and comfort. No thanks!”

I wish I could say I remained this resolved all day. By evening, my restlessness overcame me…I must confess to feeling some anger toward God about this money business. We did what we could three months ago to find out what is wrong with Bo. We even had a second heartworm test taken then to (supposedly “confirm” it). It was expensive, but we could manage those expenses. Both tests were negative and it was concluded that he had chronic bronchitis and given antibiotics. It seems like a cruel joke of sorts that we would go through all of this to the tune of over $2000 (amazing, isn’t it?) only to find out that Bo is positive for heartworm…something a relatively inexpensive test shows…and something that he was negative for before. It doesn’t make sense that if this is heartworm, that it would be so advanced a case as to cause bleeding and coughing, but *not* show up three months ago in his tests.

So, I guess I allowed that old rebellious feeling in me to come out in eating. It wasn’t so much what I ate or how much as it was *why*. It is rarely about the food. It is about *why* I am eating at that moment. I ate because I was *angry* at God, plain and simple. I still don’t feel “satisfied.” I feel out of control and angry. I feel disappointment and I am baffled.

Now I will choose to face into the fact that was mentioned by Beth Moore this morning in the DVD. That Satan is my enemy and he wants with everything in him to return me to a place that God called me to leave. That is a place where I looked (PAST tense) to food–not God–to give me comfort, joy, or a numbing from the pain I feel. I refuse to go back there. Yes, it is true…I began to head back this evening…I allowed my thoughts to take me captive instead of taking captive my thoughts. But I can stop this now. I choose to stop it now.

I can’t pretend not to be angry or confused still. I am. Bo has a lot of secondary problems and may not make it. Each time he is treated for the heartworm (three times) it could cost another $300 or more. I can’t fathom how God will pay for this. But it is *HIS* to deal with.

Like Pam Donaldson mentioned in a talk she gave at the TW conference, like Jehoshephat, I pray, “This vast army is too great for us, Lord. We have NO clue how to even begin to handle this battle. But our eyes are on you…our eyes are on you…”