Ramblings

I got on the scale this afternoon and it said I have released 63 pounds since mid-November. (YAY!!!) That is down 1 pound since May 1. I am pleased given where we have been with my health this month.

I must confess to obsessing a bit about the number, given it just blew my socks off that I felt I could be walking in faithfulness, doing what the Lord said and yet my weight jump could up so quickly in a short period of time. Given that there were *other* things with my health going wrong, it stands to reason that the sudden weight gain was related to that and coming off the high blood pressure meds as well (diuretic). In June, I will ask my Doctor about the water I retain and if I should let go of the diruetic again completely (I am taking half a pill right now). I just don’t understand why I am retaining so much water.

The ulcer continues to give me a good challenge. I was encouraed by the Lord this morning while I was doing my Thin Within workbook lesson that fellowshipping with the Lord in his sufferings may mean that I am assigned trials and to really identify with the Lord in his sufferings, I will respond as he did to his. I know that I could never suffer like Jesus did, but what I do face, I can submit to with a humble heart. If I do this, I will experience the power of his resurrection as well, lived out in my life…that “living the resurrected life” that is spoken of so much.

With this ulcer, that means (at least) that God wants me to learn to hear HIS voice with regard to when, what, and how much I am to eat. Right now, 0 is painful. So, I must ask the Lord when he wants me to eat. So many foods I have been eating with joy (yes, even healthy choices) since November, right now would send me into pain. I must learn not to be owned by them. Perhaps that is what this is about. God is squeezing out of me what is left of my ungodly attachments and my insistence that I can do things myself within the boundaries that I have learned “work.” See, that isn’t godliness either.

God wants me to listen to his voice PERIOD. There isn’t this realm of all these choices that I can make that are ok to make independent of him. I think I have had this perspective…that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I ate 0 to 5…he would just leave me be if I “obeyed” in that way.

The truth is, he wants me to listen and obey his voice in each moment, period. Now I get to really do that…much more, I guess. I can’t pretend to be good at it. For instance, at lunch, I was having some macaroni and cheese–which works well on my stomach. The amount I need is minimal…even less food than before. One reason is because he often leads me to eat before I am totally empty (he is gently sparing me from the discomfort of my stomach acid from hunger doing yet more damage to my stomach lining) and I can’t go to a 5 for sure because that would make me uncomfortable too…even more than before. So probably 4 or 5 bites of the macaroni and cheese would have been fine. I zoned…it HURT BIG TIME very suddenly. I didn’t eat very much, but that isn’t the point right now. (A fist-sized portion would KILL ME!!!!) The fact is, I needed to heed him.

Right now, he seems to be leading me to have these small meals 4 or 5 times during the day and typically preceded with a bit of milk at each one. Generally, I am managing ok AS LONG AS I LISTEN AND OBEY HIM. If I don’t…I end up hurting like I did earlier today with that mac and cheese. I feel like I get majorly kerbonged!!!!!

I hope to allow this to be a learning time that will carry me forward even after the ulcer has healed.

I just want to have a soft, tender heart…and respond to him with love. He has done so much for me. I can’t believe that I have so many ungodly attachments (to so many things) that yet remain in my life.