Truth Inventory ~ Part 1

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. – Psalm 139:23-24

As I sat before the Lord with this verse my prayer, asking the Lord, “Where am I now?” “Where do YOU want me to be?” “What must I do to get there?” He was faithful to point out some things. This entry shares just one of these things. 🙂

The very first thing, that he brought to mind had to do with the bathroom scale.

I have lived without a bathroom scale in my life for about three and a half months. God pointed this out to me as something that delights HIS heart! YAY! 😀 So I am thrilled to know that this is definitely something that I am on the right track about.

Choosing to live without the scale was not for the purposes of living without accountability, as some might think. It was to be free from ungodly constraints and obsession. During the two years that I was focused on what God called me to do in 0 to 5 eating, faithfully following his lead, releasing 100 pounds and keeping it off, I allowed the bathroom scale to define me. (Doesn’t this sound contradictory? It is, but there it is anyhow!) I was a slave to it, living in fear of “What if my weight goes up?!”

God has been teaching me during the past three and a half months that I am not defined by what the scale says each day or, even, by what my size is. This isn’t coming naturally to me and I have struggled for all I am worth (at times) to resist heading in to town to purchase a new scale! I remember saying to my husband how motivating it is to see the needle going down…gosh…the Lord wants me to find His voice “motivating!”

Time and again, God has encouraged me with “Won’t you let my voice direct you? Won’t you stand on *my* promises and *my* reassurances instead of a man-made arbitrary device to which you have bowed slavishly your entire life?”

So, God has confirmed that, though I have struggled with obedience in my eating and my self-perception because of more weight on my body than I would like, that I am, indeed, learning lessons that he wants me to really get. Now is not the time to quit by getting a new bathroom scale. I sense his leading in this. YAY!

I will continue to live without the scale!

As I have returned to godly boundaries, this has been even harder. (Go figure!) I want the instant gratification of seeing the scale nudge downward. Boy, the flesh can sure pitch a fit! God lovingly speaks to my heart, “How about the ‘instant gratification’ of ME whispering to you, ‘Well done, child’?” You see, this tendency to grasp at “instant gratification” — that which the bathroom scale seems to feed — is the very same tendency that fuels eating outside of godly boundaries. “I want that NOW! I don’t *want* to wait until I am hungry to eat more of that…” If I am really to be *healed* of the *heart* issue that is at the root of my overeating, one great place to focus is this tendency to “Give it to me now!” Any place where this mentality appears in my life, must come under close scrutiny if I want it eradicated completely. Does that make sense? This incessant drive to hop on a scale each morning, actually fuels the very same heart that insists I have more brownies, or another meal when I am not hungry.

So, living without the scale is a good thing. This is where I am and have been for a while and this is where God wants me to be. YAY! I am so glad that this “Truth Inventory” isn’t all about things I have sploogied about…done wrong. God is so gracious!

Now, along these same lines, what other truth must I face? This is the harder thing to swallow, but the same grace that spoke to me about the above, spoke to me about this as well. I have not been relying on the Holy Spirit to guide and direct me…or, rather…and this is REALLY hard to admit…I have heard his voice and chosen to disobey…to ignore Him. In fact, the bathroom scale would be much “easier” to obey or to sense approval or correction from! Can you believe it?

Here is the thing…The HOLY Spirit resides in me as a child of God in part to empower me to make HOLY choices! He wants to give me the desires and the strength to carry out the desires of God for my life. He requires that I surrender self to Him in order for this to happen, however. He requires this. He will not MAKE me make good choices. He offers me everything I need for life and godliness and it is up to me to embrace it and walk it out in my life.

So where does this put me now? I believe that I am learning invaluable lessons. God wants me to learn to do this thing without the bathroom scale. My evident weight gain over the last 4 months (since the start of our summer study…not much, but enough…) as seen in the way my clothes fit, tells me (as if I needed it to) that I have not been a submissive, obedient, loving child. I knew that already, though! I don’t need my body size to tell me that! In fact, I recall times in my life where I wasn’t obedient, but my size didn’t change…I had “gotten away with” eating outside of godly boundaries. If I were to depend on the scale to “weigh my heart” then it had lied to me during those times…just because my weight hadn’t gone up during those times, didn’t mean I was on target with honoring the Lord with my eating and drinking. I know the truth! God’s Spirit speaks it to my spirit and there is no doubt!

So I will continue to live without the scale. I have continued this week to delight in godly boundaries and feel the burden of my heart lifted. It is such a joyful place to be! Even if my body weight hasn’t changed a bunch, my heart is lighter and I am back where I need to be, willingly surrendering to the canopy of his grace, following the path of GOD’s provision, not grasping at what I want NOW.

I am learning delayed gratification…more…I am learning true satisfaction in a new way. Getting rid of the scale and keeping it gone is a big part of that for me. It has been a frightening step to take, but I am confident that it has been the right place to be…so I press on! AND I press IN to the Lord, to lean on Him, to listen to HIS voice and…to obey it. His boundaries for me are because He loves me.

There is joy here!