Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. – Luke 17:33
When we relinquish control in order to gain our lives in God, he always gives life back to us more abundantly. Dependence–the soul turned toward God, trusting in God, allowing life to unfold according to God’s will–centers our lives upon God’s grace. GTST, p. 131
In the past 5 months, I have been progressively releasing control to the Lord in ways I never did before. Letting go of my addiction to caffeine has resulted in HUGE changes in my body. I don’t know if things were being masked by the caffeine or my body has reacted to not having caffeine pumped into it constantly…or both…but I am having to get to know myself as if I have never applied the principles taught in Thin Within before. It has been unnerving…unsettling…and, at times, so very disappointing.
But in the process, I have had to return to totally depending on Him. He guides me, he comforts me, he confronts me when necessary. He steadies me, he directs me. I didn’t recognize all the ways he was trying to do this before…Though I had set aside food as a numbing agent, the diet soda was the way I numbed myself to pain…and, again, you I couldn’t just numb myself to pain…I ended up numbing myself to everything. I didn’t feel anything quite so much (including pain AND joy…AND the voice of God!).
As my body as been showing me that, left without caffeine to falsify a “revved” metabolism, it needs even LESS food than I was consuming before, I definitely have needed to center my life on God’s grace–just as the quote above says.
I am so thankful that God has been teaching me that my value is NOT in earthly success! I would be flattened, devastated if it were! Instead, he has shown me “in the nick of time” that HE alone defines my worth. During this challenging time where I am feeling betrayed by my body, he has pointed out again and again that this is not about my body at all, but about my heart. (If you have read this blog much, I know that this must be sounding repetitive…but it is a truth I must GET and I pray others will, too! It is so vital!)
This truth that it is about something deeper than my body, instead of that coming across as a rebuke, is actually comforting. I am so THANKFUL that it isn’t about my body!
Also, this notion that my body has “betrayed” me…well, I realized in a fresh way yesterday that it is ME who has betrayed my body…by putting gallons and gallons of chemicals in it for years and years…aspartame and caffeine…I was giving it something that was NOT a good thing at all…in fact, I was leading it to addiction and worse.
I have made an appointment with my doctor. This is a huge step for me. “Dragon Lady” is what I call her. I have decided not to change doctors right now when I need to find out what is going on with me medically that could explain some of the symptoms I have. She knows my history, so that is important. “Dragon Lady” has always had something to say about my weight. She uses shame to try to exact change in her patients. NOT ok.
I go in the week of the 20th to have blood tests so that we can see if a thyroid problem may explain some things. I also hope to be checked for…diabetes. Can you believe it? Oh, my pride is taking a hit in so many ways. I simply have to deal with this.
For years, when people have said, “I eat 0 to 5, but I am not losing weight.” Or “I eat 0 to 5 but I keep *gaining* weight…” I have arrogantly assumed that they were not being honest with themselves. Even yesterday as I spoke with Judy Halliday, I couldn’t wrap my brain around…how can eating 0 to 5 not work, even if there is a medical issue? If my metabolism is thrown off and won’t burn fuel properly, then won’t I not feel hunger as often? She responded “Not necessarily.” HUH? What???? You mean, there MAY be times when a medical issue can get in the way of all I have learned and assumed was always true? That my body’s signals may NOT be reliable???? YIKES!
I guess it is obvious why I must throw myself upon God’s grace again and again. This sort of rocks my world!
I know that I need forgiveness for my arrogant self-righteous attitude toward those who have struggled in the past who may have had a medical issue! :-/
Then there is the side of me that hopes that if I do have a thyroid problem that throwing a pill down my throat will fix everything…EVERYTHING…and get me back into those levis. (I can’t believe I have made Levis into an idol!!!)
But it is about my heart...so even if my body gets back on kilter and is reliable and “trustworthy” again…and even THIN…what about inside of me? Will I have learned anything?
Grace, grace, God’s grace. Oh how I need it!
Throwing myself upon God’s grace…
It is only then that we experience the profound flow of God’s love. It is only then that we can empty ourselves enough to let our silent hunger be filled with all the fullness God desires to grow in us. GTST, p. 132
It is no small wonder that this has been an incredible growing time in my life–a time of changes internally, a time of unmeasured closeness with God. I sense his presence throughout the day and his love just as this quote says. Without the addictions in my life, I NEED and he is there saying “I AM.” He is the constantly flow now…instead of caffeine and aspartame. He is my sweetness and vibrant energy. Better than an artificially stimulated adrenal gland, God’s Spirit pulsates in me…it is a hard process…but filled with fewer extremes as he steadies me on this course. There IS a fullness that I hadn’t experienced before.
When we exchange our weakness for God’s strength, our powerlessness for his power, and pray, “Thy will, not my will, be done,” we find that the healing love of Christ moves in our midst. GTST, p. 132
~ Letting Go of What I have Been and What I Want to Be ~ All my life I dreamed of having horses. When I was 41, I got my dream come true! Four horses just outside my door of my house in the country!
But things haven’t gone so well with living the horse dream.
Yesterday, I decided that I definitely need to make a concrete decision to let go…to let go of one of my horses. As I do that, I realize I am letting go of something I dreamed of being…I dreamed of being “good” with horses. I dreamed of being “enough” to manage any horse…especially Doc. Doc is the horse of the four that we originally bought for me–a horse who was young 6 years ago (only 4 years old)–to “grow old with.” It is time that I admit that this isn’t a match ordained by God conducive to growing old gracefully! (Though, I have more gray hairs now than I did 6 years ago–by a LONG shot! LOL!)
So I have found a place for Doc Tari Zebra to live for a while…hopefully long enough for me to find him a good permanent home. I mean, look at that face! How could I NOT love that face? (Happen to know anyone who wants a grullo horse who is very sweet and cute, too?)
In a very real way, I am making this step to unwrap the grave clothes. See, when I work with Doc–with any of my horses really, but Doc seems to really bring it to the surface–I NEED so much to do this “perfectly.” When Doc gets nervous and really really BIG (he is a large horse anyhow and when a prey animal gets afraid, they get really HUGE!), I find myself shutting down emotionally. I don’t feel fear. I disassociate. I know this is something I learned to do as a kid in an abusive environment. It isn’t a good thing now. Back then, it enabled me to survive. Now it keeps me from being all that Christ wants me to be in Him.
And really? When working with horses, it probably isn’t physically safe either!
So, for that reason and many others, I know that I need to release my grip on this insistence that I “do” the horse thing perfectly. That I release Doc to someone who can help him more effectively. I may love him like crazy…and if a suitable home can’t be found, I am committed to providing for his physical needs for life. But it is high time that I admit that I am NOT what he needs to help him with his fears…and it is ok that I admit that.
My willingness to admit this with my horses, is proof of a deeper work that God is doing in me relative to ALL of my life. I have never worked at something as hard as I have to be “successful” with my horses unless it is my parenting. And I have never felt more like a failure. When you try so hard to do something well and no matter how hard you try, you keep falling short…something has to give. With horses, it can literally be an issue of physical safety.
The purpose of unwrapping our grave clothes is to teach us about our true character. It is here, separated from our accustomed supports and dependencies that we discover how barren our satiated souls really are. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 130
This thing with the horses is proof of this in my life. All of my accustomed supports are missing. The food is missing, the reliance on sweet diet soda with caffeine is missing…before, I seemed satiated…now that those things are missing, I see afresh that my soul really IS barren. It is a good discovery as now I can go about tapping into living water.
No amount of “success” with “difficult” horses will satisfy. It isn’t worth it to give up who I really am and who God is making me to be to fulfill the dream. I am barren, in need, and you know what? I don’t have what it takes! And that is ok! When our true nature is exposed, we face the emptiness and silence within our wrappings. Our arrogance and pride are defeated, and we learn what humble dependence on God means. Stripped of our resources and our addictions, we see ourselves with new eyes and are led toward a new response to ourselves, to life, and to God. GTST, p. 130
How perfectly these words are stated. Suddenly, I don’t have to desperately grab at food again…I can sit for a bit…and it is ok. God IS in charge. God DOES care. He is here, now. In the heart of my need. Isn’t it something that he says His name is “I AM?” I find that fascinating…no matter what my need, lack or desire…he responds to it with “I AM.”
But I had to be stripped naked and vulnerable to see it. I had to gain some weight to realize that I am STILL out of control…that HE alone is in control and that is ok too…that is, in fact, the way I want it!
Last night I noticed a new response to life as this quote from page 130 of the Get Thin Stay Thin book mentions. I was at worship team practice and while the drummer was setting up microphones I was piddling around, tuning my guitar or trying this or that…and at least three different times I said, “I can’t believe I did that…how stupid!” In that instant, I realized I said something self-deprecating and countered (out loud, if you can believe it!) with “I am NOT stupid!” I did that two more times and the drummer laughed, “I guess you have been struggling with beating yourself up!” I had to laugh. But the truth is, how much do I DO this to myself? How many years have I done this? If what the scriptures say is true (and I believe that it is), then “As a woman thinks in her heart so is she…” well, how about I nip that in the bud now…reject the self-condemning remarks and start speaking TRUTH to myself instead? Start telling myself truths like “I am 100% accepted by and acceptable TO the God of this universe, my only righteous Judge and King!”
Yes, responding to things a bit differently…to myself, to others, to circumstances.
We can then allow God to lead us–we surrender to Him. We allow God to feed us–we depend on him. We allow God to give us security–we trust in Him. We allow God to teach us–we listen to him. We allow God to love us–we find our true selves in Him. GTST, p. 131
Who do you present to the world? Who do you think of yourself as being?
I don’t mean being superficial or fake. But I mean really who do you think you are? And how do you present that to others?
These are questions I have had to ask myself lately. I am like one of those giant inflatable “beings” –called “air dancers,” I guess–that are sometimes seen outside of car dealerships. Huge things, they wave and bounce and attract attention, but when the power is cut and the air isn’t flowing through them, they instantly deflate and become what they really are…empty plastic on the ground, flattened, needing to be filled again. The substance is gone.
How like the “air dancer” I feel! Oh, how I want to be filled up with the Lord! That my “dancing” would continue in substance!
God desires that we be shaped and molded into the image of Christ as whole people, not lacking anything. Yet in our woundedness we often defend ourselves against anything or anyone (including God) we perceive to be attacking the false yet fragile self we have worked so hard to create. GTST, p. 129
During those first two years of “doing Thin Within” I created a false self. It was who I was in front of everyone. I wasn’t “faking” anything. It was my “up front,” “on display” personality. It was dependent on performance and results and kudos–lots of kudos from others. When my physical results shifted–for whatever reason–it was like all the air was sucked out of the balloon. There was no longer substance of any kind to the false self. In its fragility it was wiped out. Exposed, even humiliated.
No wonder I felt like “the wind was sucked out of me” when I gained some weight back!
But this is good…I needed to see it for what it was! Now we can get down to business!
You know, when someone has wonderful outward physical “success,” the world really does pull out the stops to shower accolades. I attempted to give God glory…but these were often minimized by well-meaning celebrants. Many urged me to “give yourself credit.”
That is NOT a biblical view, however.
…for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. – Philippians 2:13
It is God who is at work in me. It is His strength and He alone gets the glory. I need to remember this. He IS the substance. It isn’t about me, about my weight, about my food at all. It is about the author and sustainer of all that matters.
God invites us to release this false self and to receive new life, trusting and depending on his loving will. He wants to take our struggle with food, eating, and weight, struggles that have been the “thorns in our flesh,” and use them for our good–to shape and mold our character, to bring us new life and freedom. GTST, p. 129
I know this sounds bizarre, but I am excited about this. I am SO ready for change, for transformation. I met with a friend yesterday and she quoted “When the pain of staying where we are is greater than the pain of change, we will change.” Boy, isn’t that the truth? The pain of staying the same has overcome the pain of change and the adventure is really in hyperdive now.
I choose to release my false self, all right. Take it, Lord!
From Judy Halliday’s heart: God showed me that all my attempts to look good on the outside couldn’t compensate for the flaws and imperfections on the inside. GTST, p. 129
So when the weight was lost, when two national magazines (including Health) did a blurb that gave recognition for my losing 100 pounds, after teaching real-life classes, speaking to groups about how to release emotional, spiritual and physical weight, after cheers from surrounding witnesses, friends, and family members I felt pretty doggone dandy about things. I loved them all for their encouragement and support. Please don’t misunderstand.
But, now the package was wrapped up nicely with a bow and paraded around like a proud peacock.
Having a form of godliness…perhaps… but something was missing.
God wanted to be sure I knew what it was…humility, for starters. An awareness of the remaining flaws and imperfections on the inside. In fact, any time I might start feeling a bit aware of my internal lack, it was so easy to point to the outward physical changes–lost weight–and think, “THAT proves that I am not the same person INSIDE as I used to be!”
That is true…but excuse me…am I in heaven yet? Have I arrived on the other side of the pearly gates? Are my feet still on the dust of this earth? As long as my feet are on this earth, there will be things I need to invite God into the midst of…to FIX, to CHANGE, to HEAL! Pointing at how far I have come is just another way of staying stuck in the past and not relishing THIS present moment! This is a journey. The destination is yet ahead. I am not there yet. 🙂
On a practical note: I have been cutting my portions way back as if I were doing Thin Within for the first time–I need to refine my hunger numbers again. I am getting to know my body all over again. I am filled with optimism and…dare I say it…JOY! It is funny how I feel better physically just by eating a little less food. My jeans (not the Levis…I haven’t tried them on and won’t for a long while) fit better again.
It is also funny that, when I feel this way, the lure of the scale is greater. I want confirmation that I FEEL better? Confirmation that my pants are looser? Does that make sense? I have all the confirmation I need in listening to my body! If in doubt, the Holy Spirit testifies with peace, joy, and confirmation that I am in the heart of God’s will.
Funny how the onlooking crowds can’t see the newest changes or offer accolades, kudos and praises for these changes! These changes are WAY more significant than the 100 pounds being gone!
Again, MY heart knows the truth. My Savior is close and speaks to my soul…”My child…you are doing well.”
The Brothers Grimm tell a tale of a less than perfect creature, “Rumplestiltskin,” who could spin straw to gold. He would take something worthless–the straw–and turn it into something of great value. I won’t butcher the plot of the story by retelling it here, but while Rumplestiltskin was a creature of questionable moral character, he could nevertheless do this amazing feat.
So often, I have thought about how God, who is perfect, holy, good, compassionate, and wonderful, takes the things in my life that may be valueless…or, worse…intended for evil by the Enemy of my soul, and does His amazing transformation… spinning, as it were, my “straw” to gold.
As I have lamented and shared about my struggle to process what is going on with my body and the internal struggles I have been facing, the Heavenly Father has met me in this place. He has been revealing truth to me coupled with his incredible kindness. It is kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).
I could never hate myself or my behavior enough to cause lasting positive change…but the Father’s tender kindness woos me to that change. How precious to my heart this is.
In chapter six of Get Thin Stay Thin, the Hallidays speak of this very thing, in fact.
“The only goodness [in addictions] is that they can defeat our pride and lead us to more openness to grace.” Our pride is often defeated by suffering. GTST, p. 128
I am beginning to see this whole thing as a blessing! I mean, this has definitely knocked me down a few pegs! Pride is definitely taking a hit–as it should.
It has caused me to re-evaluate everything…including something so simple as what hunger and satisfied even feels like–and to depend on God to direct me in this. I have had to be ok inside my skin a different size if that is what God’s will for me is…letting go of my favorite Levis in the process if that is his will. (Yes, I believe God cares about even this! :-))
It may take a tremendous shock, an experience of hitting bottom…to dispel the illusion that our lives are perfectly managed, under control, and all together. The pain that shatters our illusion may be the measure necessary to destroy the idols of our dependencies. It may be necessary to reveal the magnitude of our silent, aching, hunger. GTST, p. 128
When I laid down my diet soda idol, I guess I felt I would “bless God” and be blessed in return. It feels, instead, like he has used this offering to shine the light on all my imperfection, inadequacies, and ugly places. (He does this for my good as painful as it may be.) The illusion has been shattered. I have continued to struggle with my pride, not wanting anyone to see that I am not as thin as I was. I have wanted to hide. That is pretty tough to do when, on Sundays, I stand up in front on the worship team! I find it so intriguing that God has coupled this season of struggle in my life with my being on the worship team for the first time in years…I know this is no accident either. In the past, when my weight went up, I voluntarily hopped off the worship team claiming I didn’t want to bring “dishonor to God.” Truthfully, it was pride. I didn’t want anyone to notice that I was out of control…again. I refuse to give in to that temptation this time. This IS a new thing.
God is yet spinning this straw to gold and I can keep focusing on the worthlessness of the straw or wait in anticipation of the gold.
Lord, please let this shattering of illusions not be for nothing. Please let me learn what you call me to learn. Let me recognize and embrace the truth that much of my behavior over the past two years has actually served to stifle the silent hunger. I’ve gotten my identity from “doing Thin Within right,” and releasing weight. I want to experience what you intend, Lord. It isn’t about being thin…it is about so much more. I have said this for so long and now I am learning it in a fresh, deep, sometimes painful, way. Thank you for your kindness, Lord, your love, your provision in this time of need.
What we do when we reach this point of suffering will either result in more pain or unspeakable joy. GTST, p. 128-129 I vote for joy! I choose to anticipate the gold!
We can either become bitter toward life as we see it or become better when we turn to the one who can make us whole. Then suffering becomes an opportunity for grace. GTST, p. 129
The following is a song by Laura Story, called Grace. It is too incredible not to share with you. The words are included in the video, but if you can’t view the video, the words may be found here.
God has been teaching me afresh that this boils down to something rather simple. Easy, NO, simple, yes. It is simply, me, his sheep, listening to him, my Shepherd and responding to his voice. He has been teaching me about myself, my body, and about grace, in a fresh, new way.
The words from the song by Laura Story resonate with me:
As I walk with You, I’m learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I’m learning to simply obey You by giving up my life to you For all that You’ve given to me.
I have decided that I need to get to know my body again…fresh…as if I didn’t have a history with Thin Within or with my body and eating 0 to 5. So yesterday, I began the process of starting from scratch. Including with the “Bodometer” process, asking God to help me identify my hunger numbers afresh. “What does 0 feel like now?” “What does a 5 feel like now?” “What should I call this sensation, Lord? Is it a 3?” And to begin to eat less food, even if it means I eat more frequently because I get hungry more often. I have stopped listening to the voice of God speaking to me, thinking I knew what I could or couldn’t eat and when based on all my experience. Enough of that! For whatever reason my body has changed and I need to invite the One Who created me to teach me about my body all over again!
Rather than be frustrated, I choose to view this as an exciting new adventure. The thing I don’t get excited about, though, is that I know it means eating less food than I have been for a year…and maybe two! The fact I don’t want to let go of more food to honor the One who let go of his Kingly glory in heaven and his human life on earth to save my soul really tells me a lot.It saddens me…
One thing I rediscovered, though, yesterday as I returned to this process–if I capture THIS moment, if in THIS moment I say no to the flesh and yes to His leading, no to my flesh and die to self…and throw away the food he is leading me NOT to eat (or put it back in a container in the fridge–whatever!)…if I do that in this moment (it takes only a moment to make a choice to obey his leading), then it is followed not by moments or minutes or hours of regret, but it is followed, instead, by moments, minutes and hours of joy delighting in the the fact that I obeyed his call. It is a wonderful exchange!
Continuing in chapter 6 of Get Thin Stay Thin, I read…
God allows us to see the futility of placing our hope and trust in the false idols we embrace. Then he invites us to discover the aching, unfulfilled emptiness at the core of our being and to take the first step toward God-centered healing. GTST, p. 128
Perhaps when I began this leg of the journey in November 2006 (when I began this blog), my focus wasn’t God-centered healing. It was “fix my body”-focused healing. So it wasn’t really healing at all. I really really needed not to keep adding to my head knowledge. I needed to have my body change. I was worried about my health…about waking up in heaven. Seriously. That is what scared me into practical change.
But since that time for whatever reason–noble or not–I have allowed getting a thin body to be an idol and to be my identity. Even before I began to gain weight, God was trying to get me to see that I was in such an arrogant place. I’ve been clinging to idols all through this process. He now calls me to recognize this fact and to:
LAY THEM DOWN…
I grieve this truth. I grieve that I could take something so good and still turn it into something so wrong. Like Judy mentioned in her quote from yesterday…something worthwhile has become graveclothes…the very thing that keeps me bound from experiencing the resurrection life God intends.
There is definitely an aching, unfulfilled emptiness at the core of my being.
But I see the light ahead. There IS hope.
I step toward what you want Lord. I invite you to heal me. I want to be focused on you, Lord, not my jeans, not the reflection in the mirror, not on what my friends call “looking ‘hot,'”…I want YOUR wholeness, YOUR holiness. But, Lord, I DO want to be thin again. I want a body that is fit. I want to be energetic. But I want all of this in a way that you direct with YOU as my focus, depending on YOU to heal me through and through. I want these changes to come forth from inside of me…from within. Genuine…from the inside out.
In speaking with a dear friend last week, I realized afresh that allowing what we *do* to define our value and worth–our identity–isn’t just unique to me, or to “at home” moms. So often, the very hats we wear through life define us. When something changes and that hat is no longer “wearable,” we may not know who we are any longer.
For some of us, it may happen when the kids are all grown up and gone and we suddenly have an “empty nest.” It isn’t the “nest” being empty that bothers us so much, perhaps. It is that we wonder who we are now that they are gone. Or when the economy has caused lay-offs and we no longer have the same routine, the same job, the same function, the same income,…we wonder similarly…”Who am I now?”
I wonder how much of my identity and self-worth have been wrapped up in my “work” and/or my being “successful” at Thin Within. At being thin. I think way too much. (No kidding!)
Working for Judy and Arthur Halliday in 2001 and 2002 and again a few other times since then, as well as being officially an employee of the Thin Within company right now…well, I think I allow myself to feel that I have to get this…and not only get this, but stay getting it.Perfectly. I have to appear like I have it all together, all the time.
That is a lot of pressure to put on myself. Obviously, that isn’t what God has in mind!
But it stands to reason that right now, when I daily come face to face with my failure to keep a hold on this…that I would feel beside myself. My pride is taking hit upon hit. But worse, my identity is shattering. An identity that shouldn’t be based on this at all…but is.
This morning, as I read in chapter 6 of Get Thin Stay Thin, I felt as if the timing couldn’t have been more precise…it was perfect.
I know Judy Halliday’s testimony well, but for some reason, it jumped off the page at me today. On page 127 (and following) she shares about the “failure” of the Thin Within company in the 1980s when the company went bankrupt. (For the record, Thin Within is now doing fine and may be visited online at http://www.thinwithin.org.)
Judy shared her response to the financial crisis in 1982:
Without Thin Within who would I be? What would I do? My sense of identity and self-worth were wrapped up in my work. Something that I considered so worthwhile had, in fact, become my graveclothes. GTST, p. 127
This is precisely how I feel. I feel like I was (am?) getting my identity from getting and staying thin. I even received national recognition (two well-circulating magazines did blurbs featuring yours truly…). Now that I have gained some weight back, I wonder who I am. If my identity was defined by my size before, is it now, too? So what does that make me? (The answers aren’t too flattering, as I am sure you can imagine.)
I must continue to work to shake this sense that I am defined by my size. I don’t want to haul this perception with me wherever I go. For years, I have allowed my size to define me–including before the “success,” so I know that this is a big struggle I face. I didn’t realize I was doing the same thing once I was thin…allowing outward appearance to define me. Yikes!
If we are honest we eventually reach a point in our lives where we must admit we’ve lost control. GTST, p. 128
Ok…this has to be it. This has to be the truth that I am supposed to see:
I have lost control.
Even for the year that I stayed at my “natural God-given size” or close to it, I had this feeling that it was by the skin of my teeth. I had a death grip on it…I clung to it. I got on the scale a lot and got very worried when it nudged a tad upward. I was definitely not walking in freedom no matter how I looked on the outside. I knew it. I knew that I was clinging tightly to what the Hallidays call further on in GTST a “false self.” When I wanted something sweet to eat, I had a diet soda. (Thus, the drinking of them ALL the time.) I never dealt with the heart issue. I was ensnared. My taste buds were one god and another was thinness. I couldn’t stand giving up one to potentially sacrifice the other…
So, yes, it is time for me to admit I have lost control. I don’t have a handle on this any more–if I ever really did.
My body is reacting differently to things. Maybe it’s being more honest now that it isn’t being pumped full of caffeine constantly. Eating indiscretions I got away with before, I can’t any more. Lustful cravings indulged, now are evident on the outside. God is showing me what is really here.
Also, now that I am not numbing out with food *or* diet soda, I am feeling things powerfully. Which explains how I got broadsided out of nowhere about the dad thing.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God says to the Apostle Paul:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Paul’s response is:
“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
So here I am…ok, Lord. I am totally 100% weak. Totally in need of you. Depending on you. You have brought me to the end of myself and I am powerless to do anything to solve the need of my heart. I am weak, Lord…I need your power. I need your redemption. I need you.
Blind-sided…hit out of no where. Hit and laid flat.
Yesterday morning dawned and I was feeling chipper, alive, rested, good. I applied myself to doing things that needed getting done, not the least of which was finishing up the house cleaning.
Having made headway on that, I sat down at the laptop to work through a lesson online. I have committed to learning “CSS,” to develop my ability as a website designer. A highly recommended book took me to Amazon.com where, after ordering the book for learning CSS, I saw “Recommended for You” and clicked somewhat mindlessly (distracted, really) on an image of a book. The book image is enlarged on the left…The title is Longing for Daddy: Healing from the Pain of an Absent or Emotionally Distant Father.
Looking at the image cover, pondering the title…and a part of my heart that had been walled off from feeling began to crack…the dike burst. I was hit by a wave of overwhelming sorrow. Yes, I was blind-sided. Absolutely hit out of nowhere! The image on the cover of someone waiting, clearly lonely…and lingering quietly for “Daddy,” — it all resonated with me.
I wish I could say that all of the things I have been learning lately and posting about here at the blog were applied with eagerness in that moment and that the thoughts that came to me were taken captive and surrendered to Christ. I wish I could tell you I was victorious and that I lived out the greater truth than the one that broad-sided me (that of having an emotionally distant father who is now deceased). But nope…I was run over, flattened, wiped out.
In that moment (and all of yesterday, really) the fact that “I am 100% accepted by and acceptable to the God of this universe” sure didn’t seem to matter much. All I knew was the pain of never measuring up to my earthly father’s standards…I wasn’t good enough…I wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough…and now he is gone. It is too late.
How did I handle it? By running.
Deep called to deep, but I wasn’t answering. Like Jonah, I hit the road. I had already felt swallowed alive by a bottomless, overwhelming emptiness.
Surely, God wanted me to “be still and know.” To know HIS sufficiency, HIS truth, HIS love. But he also wanted me to sit with the pain I was feeling. To rest in it, to give it a voice, to invite Him into it.
I would have none of it.
So what did I do? I reverted to old behaviors.
I ate.
I plunged myself into computer work.
I napped.
After my nap, I woke up with fat machinery in full throttle and ate some more.
All the while I knew that God–my Heavenly Abba–called. I didn’t answer the phone…I turned a deaf ear. I turned my back. I rejected His plan for this pain.
It is interesting…what happened didn’t surprise God at all. He knew that I would face that link at Amazon.com yesterday morning. He knew…no, he orchestrated it…for my good. Not for my undoing. The undoing part happened when, in my arrogance, I rejected his loving, healing hand.
He has a plan and a purpose for our pain. I know this. In fact, sometimes godly vision comes through pain.
What he wanted was my healing, but all I could think of was how painful the process is. I just couldn’t stand that…well, I am sure I could have. When I put my hand in his and allow him to lead me, choosing to trust him…he makes it possible in His strength–through the pain.
So this morning when my husband left for an early flight to Colorado at 4am and I couldn’t get back to sleep, I knew it was time to answer the call I ignored all day yesterday. I made my way to the living room where a fire glowed a welcome invitation to this place, this time, this divine purpose. Journal and bible in hand, I made my way to the couch and poured out my heart to God over this. I wanted to get angry, wanted to blame–which is a convenient way of steering away from the pain and going down a rabbit trail. I angrily asked God how he could possibly have allowed someone like my earthly father to be a father. He reminded me that this isn’t about whose fault it was. It was about my woundedness. My silent hunger…all the things I have been reading about and learning and more. Somehow, I had insulated myself against the “Dad stuff” until that moment at Amazon.com.
I have never been able to relate to God has Father. It has been almost impossible for me. At times, I get close to maybe being able to call him that…but typically, no. It stands to reason that He would want me to deal with this as it hinders my relating to him in all the ways that he wants me to relate to him.
After crying out in prayer, wiping the tears and throwing my kleenex in the wood-burning stove, I decided to look at what Jesus says to me about the Father in my bible. I turned to the gospel of John and invited Abba to show me Himself as my Heavenly Father.
The portrait that emerged even in the first 11 chapters of the gospel of John warmed my heart. Again, a greater Truth to counter my truth. I have generated a list of things that describe the Father according to Jesus and will continue this study through the rest of the gospel of John and possibly other books of the bible as well.
The thing that has struck me is the tenderness that emerges in this list. There is tenderness, strength, and reliability. I was touched to see that the Father seeks us–seeks me. The Father wants me to belong to Him for eternity. The Father has given me as a gift to Jesus… Gosh…who gives gifts that they don’t value?
The list is amazing and definitely softens my heart to God as my Heavenly Father. I know that this is only the beginning.
When I put this together with the truths of the past couple of months, it really is something that sets me up as if on a mountain top high over any deluge of a bursting levee. I mean, this God, this Father, this One who is working even now, who gives the dead life, who judges no one but who has entrusted judgment to Jesus, this one who give the true bread from heaven, who offers praise to people (imagine that!…just look at John 5:45)…this is the one who accepts me 100% and finds me 100% acceptable.
It is astonishing. I am glad for a new day, new mercies…tender mercies.
Somehow, the feeling of needing to run, to numb out doesn’t seem so great today. I can honestly say that the heartache was compounded yesterday by running from my Heavenly Father instead of sitting at His feet. The pain that I felt in his presence was worth the joy of having him reveal himself to me. I can’t begin to pretend that its over and we are ready to move on from this, but I am optimistic…and willing to relate to God as my Father. That is HUGE.
When it comes to walking this thing out in the dust of the earth…SO WHAT? Great theological truths like:
I have been justified by God. I am reconciled to God. I am 100% accepted by and acceptable TO God right now where I am
…leave one wondering “So what?” “How does this impact my life right now?” “I just want to lose weight!” “I want to be THIN!”
The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin (formerly Thin Again and Silent Hunger) don’t leave us wondering:
When we know that our value is based on our new identity in Christ, we take on a godly sense of self-worth. With this comes a new direction and purpose in our lives: to live in such a way as to honor the one who laid down his life to give us security and significance. Get Thin Stay Thin, page 108
I can honestly say that this is happening with me now. My beliefs are finally making it through to my heart and to my actions. It has been a tremendously slow process, but I see the fruit. My actions really are affected by what I believe. And how we act sometimes reveals what we really believe in spite of what we say!
For so long, my theology and my reality haven’t seemed anything like one another. I guess in many ways, I didn’t really believe what I said I did! It comes back to that old illustration of “If I say I believe the chair will hold me but refuse to sit in it, do I really believe the chair will hold me?” My action, or inaction, shows what I really believe about the chair.
Our beliefs have a very powerful influence on our eating habits and our identity. …we must set aside the false beliefs that determined our old character and actions and enter into our renewed mind. Only then will we experience the renewal of our beliefs, thoughts, and actions and ultimately the transformation of our character. Our goal is to be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we can discard the fat machinery of the past and establish present time eating. GTST, p. 114
Again, fat machinery is those things we believe or do sort of “automatically” that result in eating without engaging the brain. They can be conditioned responses (turn on a video and out comes the popcorn) or responses to trauma or other emotions (we celebrate by having a feast) or even unworkable beliefs (have to eat 3 “square” meals a day to be healthy)…that sort of thing. Many of the things that affect our eating, as we have seen, are based in false beliefs or believing lies. We want to throw out all of those beliefs and allow God to renew our minds, transform our thinking. As we embrace TRUTH and take on new beliefs, our actions will be affected!
A solid sense of your identity and worth is the precursor to your ability to eat and live according to God’s intent and to being the person he designed you to be. GTST, p. 118
Lord, I pray that we might cast aside all the unworkable beliefs and lies that we have knowingly or unwittingly embraced. May we embrace the truth that you have redeemed us, forgiven us, and stand as Almighty Judge of the Universe declaring us NOT GUILTY–we have been reconciled and justified. Amazing, Lord. May this truth affect our actions…May we know when we reach for food outside of godly boundaries that we were created for more than this. Help us to respect ourselves with the esteem with which you have attributed to us. We belong to you. You purchased us. We are yours. May we treat “your property” appropriately, Lord, and allow your truth to establish our sense of value and worth. No matter who may reject, hurt, or fail me, this great truth–that you LOVE and ACCEPT me unconditionally–over-rides that…it is astounding. Thank you, Lord. In Christ’s Name, Amen.
Weeks ago, flight 1549 made a dangerous landing…perfectly executed in the Hudson River, saving the lives of 155 passengers aboard. The credit goes to the pilot who risked everything to attempt the impossible.
Sunday at church, our pastor–Mike Ernst–did a masterful job illustrating the fullness of God’s grace by using a clip from the 60 Minutes TV show that aired a week or so ago. This particular show, filmed a reunion of flight 1549 passengers with the pilot and crew who saved their lives. Here is a short video clip of this reunion:
Imagine any one of those passengers standing up and saying, “I just want you to know that I did MY part to be sure that the landing in the Hudson River was safe.” I mean the idea is preposterous. The passengers did nothing. The rescue was all about the pilot. The passengers were the beneficiaries of his wisdom, his gift, his potential sacrifice. There is NOTHING any of them did to be safe–to be alive to see the next day.
So, too, with us. There is nothing we can do to be acceptable to God. NOTHING. God has attributed Christ’s own righteousness to us. Christ became sin. We became His righteousness. Once we embrace Christ’s gift given for and to us, we are reconciled to God–completely, unconditionally, totally–all based on what HE has done.
Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— – Colossians 1:21-22
If you have “blown it” right now, nothing…nothingcan keep you from the love of God found in Christ Jesus our Lord. He has “piloted” you to safety…out of the danger and potential of ever having to face God’s wrath. In fact, you never can do anything to make him turn his face away from you. You are totally acceptable to Him due to nothing you have done and nothing you do can change that.
You can’t do anything to make your “rescue” complete. To imagine that you could would be every bit as outlandish as if any of those passengers on Flight 1549 claimed any of the credit for saving his/her own life.
–> Do you believe that there is nothing you can do to win God’s acceptance?
How might this belief, embraced fully, affect how you view your struggle with food, eating and your body?
Lord, thank you that you have accepted us through Christ…100%…completely. There is nothing we can do to lose this standing with you and there is nothing we can do to gain it. Thank you for the complete reconciliation you have offered, you have provided for through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. Lord, please help me to embrace this TRUTH completely and may it affect my choices day to day, moment by moment. When I find myself struggling with feelings of failure, or pain at my own hand or at the hand of others, I pray that I would be mindful of just how astonishing it is…”The God of the Universe accepts me completely…as I am…” May this truth transform us from the inside out. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.
You are totally accepted by and acceptable to God…
…right now…right as you are…no strings attached. You are…you are.
How does this TRUTH sit with you?
Does it seem presumptuous? Impossible?
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. Romans 5: 9-11
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:17-19
Think about this for a minute…
If we allowed this to affect us, if we believed it as if it were true–and it IS…then, when we face defeat, failure–our own or someone else’s crashing into us–when we can’t believe we have messed up again…think of this…we can couple the pain of our feelings with this mighty truth:
I am totally accepted by and acceptable to the God of the universe!
I don’t know about you, but this seems like a strikingly practical way of being transformed by the renewing of my mind! Rather than letting my sadness, discouragement, or even anger rob me of what God intends in this moment, I can feast on the fact: God has declared that I am of incredible value and worth! No matter what anyone else thinks of me! No matter how anyone else treats me! Why would I need to eat my way through anything ever again? I mean, I am SO above the abuse I heap on my body–and that is just for starters. If I feel down and feel like I want to numb myself to my pain, why not bask for a while in the truth instead? The truth that:
I am totally accepted by and acceptable to the God of the universe!
Doing this won’t just numb me to the reality, but it will over-ride the pain in the reality! It is a BIGGER, GREATER, more ASTOUNDING reality!!!
Maybe you can tell that I am really excited about this. And it does connect with Get Thin Stay Thin chapter 5! How cool is that! 🙂
[The] undeniable, unavoidable longing for a sense of value is a sanctified hunger placed in us by God’s design, but we will never experience inner peace until we face the truth that nothing of this world–our appearance, our performance, others’ opinions of us, or our past experiences–can fulfill our longing for security and significance. GTST, p.101.
Our silent hunger will persist unsatisfied until we can see ourselves not through the eyes of the world, but through the eyes of our loving Lord. GTST, p. 102
Do you see it? Our world says we must act, be, do everything a certain way to win approval and acceptance! We get stuck in that mode and we put ourselves through strict paces…we MUST do this “Thin Within Thing” perfectly or we beat ourselves up. We must have the perfect body, we must love God perfectly…and if we don’t, we drag out that club of condemnation and don’t stop beating ourselves up with it.
What’s worse, we assume that this is God’s way!
This is the enemy’s delight.
It is a lie that the enemy has crafted and that the world has bought into. As with many things, the exact OPPOSITE thing is true…God has done it all. Every single solitary bit of your “acceptability” to God is because of what Jesus had done. ALL of it.
More on that tomorrow!
For now, I challenge you and me…will we believe God? Will we choose to believe that what he says is true? That he accepts us totally now? Without hesitation? Without condition? Without my having to jump through a single hoop?
–> How might believing, embracing, applying this truth affect your life? Affect your eating? Affect how you view your body?
Feel free to share in the comments! I love hearing from you!
This one is bowling me over! It has been radically affecting the way I live!
In the past 5 months, I have been progressively releasing control to the Lord in ways I never did before. Letting go of my addiction to caffeine has resulted in HUGE changes in my body. I don’t know if things were being masked by the caffeine or my body has reacted to not having caffeine pumped into it constantly…or both…but I am having to get to know myself as if I have never applied the principles taught in Thin Within before. It has been unnerving…unsettling…and, at times, so very disappointing.
It is no small wonder that this has been an incredible growing time in my life–a time of changes internally, a time of unmeasured closeness with God. I sense his presence throughout the day and his love just as this quote says. Without the addictions in my life, I NEED and he is there saying “I AM.” He is the constantly flow now…instead of caffeine and aspartame. He is my sweetness and vibrant energy. Better than an artificially stimulated adrenal gland, God’s Spirit pulsates in me…it is a hard process…but filled with fewer extremes as he steadies me on this course. There IS a fullness that I hadn’t experienced before.
