A caring friend pointed out to me that even if I am struggling, I need to post here. I had confessed to her that I am really in a yucky place right now and she pointed out that I claimed my blog was a chronicle of my “journey” and journeys are filled with rough spots, diversions (at times), hills and valleys. She is right…
I find it interesting that the last time I posted was my entry about *fear*. I feared that I would regain weight. The past week has found me actually on a path to do that very thing, it seems. I wonder if the fear I had actually fed the behavior. In Thin Within week 3 we learn about how what we believe affects our actions. I think that I have believed that I WOULD regain the weight…that I WOULD fail, if you will. This belief has fueled my actions…actions that seem to justify the fear and it is a vicious cycle.
The changes in my mindset that I have allowed lately have been heading in a direction I never imagined heading ever again. There has been nothing that has precipitated it necessarily. It is very subtle, but swift as well. The more I nudge God out of my life, the more often I make excuses about prayerlessness, the more I allow my quiet times to be intellectual exercises instead of being at the feet of my blessed Lord, the more sin I allow to go unconfessed … the more I invite waywardness into my life–the backslide. ALL of these things make a difference in my walk with God. The weight released from my body is a reflection not of my self-control or ability to “do” Thin Within. It is much deeper than that. It is a product of fostering a walk with Him of listening to and heeding His voice in much deeper ways.
If I stop listening to him and stop heeding his voice…the backslide is under way.
So, when I find my eating becoming more chaotic again, I know it is not about Thin Within. It is about my walk with God. It is a barometer of deeper things. I need not to fixate on the keys to conscious eating…I need to focus on the Lord again. I need to invite him to invade my life afresh. I must sit at his feet. I must be still and know that he is God.
Last night I had carmel corn for dinner. This was a product of chaos allowed in my life. I know that it is permissible to have carmel corn for dinner, though definitely not beneficial. And, yes, it was between 0 and 5. But that wasn’t the point. God wanted me to be deliberate, to go to the store, to buy what we needed to offer myself and my kids (hubby is out of town) a meal that provided flavor, yes, and nutrition. I knew that, but I chose to go my way, to do my thing, to minimize, to justify, to throw all the ingredients for a backlide into a big bowl, mix well, and presto…misery.
God is teaching me in all “areas” of my life that there are no “areas” of my life. It is, simply, my LIFE. In my LIFE he wants me to get on the page where pride is put to death. I found that something that I have invested so much of my heart in, my time, my life, my money in is beyond hard. It has been for the four years I have put so much into it…and yet it remains…hard. Rather than get easier, it seems to be getting harder.
On Monday, I just wanted to quit. In fact, I had a bit of a temper tantrum. I told God I wanted to quit because it was too hard…He quietly told me “You always do.” That surprised me. He further made me realize that I quit when things are so hard for me because of pride. There it is again. “Excuse me, Lord? I thought pride had been dealt with!” (Do you hear the pride in that???)
For instance, any sports that don’t come naturally to me and that I don’t excel at, I quit–I don’t bother trying to learn (this is the way it has always been). Now this…I just want to quit. It will take so much more work for me to be what I need to be in this and God has told me that it is pride that makes me want to quit. I can’t settle for being “bad” at it either, as it will affect lots of things and, potentially, my safety. I have to keep trying not just to be “good enough,” but to “be good” at something that is NOT natural for me. I just want to throw in the towel and cry in a heap on the ground over it.
Anyhow, this has been one more way that God has shown me that pride must die. When pride is allowed to go unchecked in any respect (and it is insidious), it affects EVERYTHING. It literally seeps like dirty oil into other aspects of my life…things that I thought were “safe” are not…like my eating. Before you know it, I am making my own choices again and turning my back on the quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) voice of God.
The anatomy of a “backslide” is definitely rooted in pride and strengthened with justifications. Add a hefty dose of prayerlessness and allow feelings to go unchecked…and presto…you have a backslide.
