This journey has been about so much more than my weight…and it continues to be. Recently, God has shown me that I have continued to allow my perception of myself to be defined by my performance–externals–which, in the eyes of the world now appears to be “poor.” Having gained some of the weight I had lost, I am a “failure” in the eyes of the world (maybe even the Christian world!). I know in my heart that there is more at work here than that.
My eating, for instance, has been mostly within godly parameters during the past 2 – 3 months. The same parameters within which I operated to lose the 100 pounds and keep it off for a year. So, go figure. Bottom line… I know that I have God’s seal of approval! 🙂
As I have shared previously, I think my body has reacted to my choice to obey God about laying down the constant intake of caffeine (probably about the equivalent of 120 ounces of diet coke each day or more…). I think doing that has pretty well kept me at this “new” weight. (Again, God delights that I choose to obey him!)
I am realizing slowly and accepting even *more* slowly that THIS may be my “natural God-given” size and the previous lower weight may have been my “UNnatural, caffeine-given” size. It is a tough thing to swallow and shows me just how much I think like the world in this regard! I will continue to invite God to renew my mind and to transform my thinking. He is faithful.
When I began to read in The Search for Significance about shame, I realized that God has some lessons for me here. It is as if I have renewed a relationship with an old, familiar… …”acquaintance.” Shame seems to accompany me again… or it sure is trying to do so!
Shame often engulfs us when a flaw in our performance is so important, so over-powering, or so disappointing to us that it creates a permanently negative opinion about our self-worth. Others may not know about our failure, but we do. We may only imagine their rejection, but real or imagined, the pain resulting from it cripples our confidence and hope. The Search for Significance, McGee, page 101
With weight…everyone sees the “failure” or the “flaw in our performance.” It is a bummer!
I have made this “failure” so important and overpowering and disappointing…
But here is the deal. Having seen this, and been reminded of it again and again over the past few months, I WILL NOT allow it to define me! NO NO NO! 😀
Just as the quote above says, I have imagined people rejecting me over this and it has crippled my confidence and my hope! That is NO way to live.
God is continuing to work a change in my thinking. He is helping me to see just how valuable my choice has been to honor him about the diet soda–and that the struggle I have had since has been worth it. To the world, it may appear that I am another “dieting” failure. But I know that isn’t the case! I know that what I really am is a “laying the idols down” SUCCESS! 🙂
Going even deeper, though, I know what matters most is NOT my performance, but what Christ has done for me. He alone defines my worth and value. He is showing me more and more each day what that means…theoretically and practically speaking how it applies to my life when the rubber hits the road.