Hi my name is Kay and I live in New Zealand. I found Thin Within in July last year (2017) ‘by accident’ when in desperation and crying out the Lord for deliverance and help He led me to Heidi’s TW videos. They were water to my thirsty soul! Since journeying with the Lord and learning TW principles, i.e. devouring the TW book and workbook, as well as the amazing website, I’ve found the freedom and joy I’ve always desired.
I’m 53 years old and have walked with the Lord since the ‘80s. I love Jesus and am so thankful for having a wonderful loving Heavenly Father who speaks to me daily through His Word. I have a long history (since age 14) of suffering with severe/persistent eating disorders (EDs) – anorexia and bulimia (non-vomiting but purging with exercise) for many years up unto recent times. My journey with the EDs (initially anorexia – severe food restriction, obsessive weighing and exercise) began in Fourth Form (age 14) when I began to develop and experience puberty. This triggered off a lot of painful emotions, deep shame and fear. I felt ashamed of my body’s changes and felt utterly betrayed by it. I wanted to hide it away and starve it back “into childhood”… so I did. I began to research diets in the American magazines in our library and became secretive about how much I ate, existing on a pathetic amount of food each day. I became dangerously thin as I carefully and obsessively calculated my food and calorie intake down to a very minimal level. Ironically, I was already thin, having been a very thin child and High School student. I definitely did not have a weight problem and did not need to diet.
But one careless remark during a lesson one day with our Gym Teacher (to the entire PE class) had triggered off the fear/shame and the ED obsession. She had simply said “Some of you girls need to diet and lose weight!” She was from Helsinki – attractive, fit and athletic – everything a self-conscious teenager admired; she was a past Olympic-class Gymnast who was also underweight and very body-conscious. Of course I now realise she was not at all talking to me – I was already thin, and to diet would have been unhelpful. However, due to my low self-esteem and because of my past history which I detail briefly next I was filled with self-hatred, rejection and self-loathing.
I’m a survivor (and overcomer in Christ) of severe abuse (physical/sexual) since the beginning of my life and but my clearest and earliest memories of the worst of the abuse were from the age of three. Our home was sadly one of pain and dysfunction. I’m so thankful that with the Lord’s help over the last 10 years I have processed (with professional assistance) the worst of this. It has been a long, and at times daily, journey of forgiving and blessing my offenders, and then releasing them into the Lord’s hands with His help and grace. Our Lord is so amazing. In light of His forgiveness of me, I can do as His Word commands me and that is to forgive those who have sinned against me. God promises me that His ways are the pathways of peace and life, and I have certainly found this to be true.
On my TW journey I have experienced the freedom from weighing (I no longer weigh myself at all – yay!), and I haven’t binged since July 2017 with the Lord’s help. I no longer count calories nor do I weigh and measure my food. My focus now is on “feasting on the Lord”, spending time with Him daily, praising and thanking Him for His goodness, and meditating on His Word. I certainly do not do the journey perfectly, and at times still struggle with 0-5 eating but I try to just “observe and correct” and move forward daily. After decades of starvation, I find it hard to find “0” at times, and also find it painful/challenging to stop at “5” because of the fear of deprivation which has long been entrenched in my mind. But God is amazing; He encourages me and is teaching me how to renew my mind daily with my truth cards, TW readings, watching/listening to TW resources, and participating in the TW Facebook groups. I’m so thankful for Thin Within and its wonderful resources and leaders; it has been such an integral part of my healing journey with Jesus!
Kay P lives in the lower North Island of New Zealand. She’s 53 years old, and lives with her hubby and their wee Bichon Frise dog called Ollie. She and her husband both love the Lord, enjoy walks and spending time in the great outdoors (in the bush). She describes herself as a fledgling writer…. and has begun writing her personal story in the form of an Autobiography. Kay is a qualified English Teacher and works for herself as a Freelance TESOL Teacher in NZ teaching English to children with learning disabilities and literacy challenges. She also works with adult immigrants. She and her husband are a childless couple but Kay has been privileged to work for the last decade with children which she really enjoys. Ollie-dog is her furry blessing from the Lord…