I don’t want to feel silent hunger.
I don’t want to feel a sense of failure.
I don’t want to keep trying things and not get it PERFECT! (Duh…I don’t seem to have gotten past this!)
The more I interact with people, the easier it is to feel things I don’t want to feel, too. It isn’t so much that people do anything wrong…not at all…but there are triggers I have…that I thought were gone…or going…and people seem to flip those triggers due to no fault of their own. I much prefer to just sorta float along and not see just how far I am from really *applying* the truths God has been teaching me.
If I don’t interact with people, then it is easy to soothe myself with this reassurance that I am growing and changing.
This morning, when I got up to meet with God, all I wanted to do was cry. A question from my accountability partner in email yesterday flashed through my mind…What is this about? I directed the question to God. He very gently reminded me that THIS is what He wants from me. For me to sit before him and FEEL. Rather than stuffing down my feelings with busy-ness or food or whatever else…he wants me to go ahead and cry, but cry to HIM. I still struggle with this. No…”struggle” is the wrong word…I hate it. I want to make it go away!
I wonder if I will ever really live the words in Get Thin Stay Thin:
Obedience and godly choices are going to come not by our effort or our will power, but rather by trusting God’s perfect design for our lives and allowing the Holy Spirit to work within us. As we make choices in agreement with God’s will, our awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness and trust inspires us to choose increasingly in accordance with the Spirit of Christ within us. GTST, p. 172
Trusting in God’s perfect design definitely means waiting on him. Sitting with how I am feeling, enduring the pain of it…letting it wash over me if need be…and waiting for Him to show up and be enough. YUCK! I would rather have an Oreo milkshake. (Doesn’t this sound ridiculous?) I know that I would really rather have the work done in me that he intends to do…but it seems to hurt just so much. How can that be?
And what if he doesn’t show up, but allows me to sit in my need for a looong while? What will that do to my faith? Can I “afford” that? Will I believe him that this, too, is his perfect design? Will I trust him?
Surrender implies that we set our mind on the Spirit, being prepared to wait patiently for him to speak to us. It implies that when we become aware of our silent hunger, we let go of the demand that it be instantly gratified with food. GTST, p. 173
…or anything else, either.
So, I wait…