Ugly…isn’t this creature ugly? Then again, I guess God created this creature and said “Good” when he did…
Well, God hasn’t created the ugly you are about to see in me… And no matter if you think this creature IS ugly, he (she?) is definitely not uglier than what you are about to read…so here it is…
I’ve become aware of how much I tend to make excuses for sinful choices…quite frequently, in fact. “I am tired.” “I am stressed.” “I am too busy…” These excuses seem to be a subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) way of justifying my sin! Usually, the truthful “excuses” are used to justify why I should let down my guard and eat what I want when I want or not care quite so much. All the while, my heart knows, God has made it clear that this choice, in this moment, is sin. Excuses, even if they are truthful (I AM tired. I AM stressed…etc…) don’t minimize the fact that sin is sin.
The reality is, I need to *always* remain vigilant against my flesh. I am trying (still, after all this time) to train my mind. There are many lies I believe and I need to replace these lies with God’s truth. I must remain vigilant to the fact that my “default” setting is actually NOT God’s plan for me. Excuses keep me from depending on the Lord. As long as I allow for and welcome these excuses, I will struggle with this stronghold. I have a choice to make. NO excuses or NO lasting victory. Which will I choose?
As I read about the pendulum illustration for the umpteenth time, it sure was brought home in a new way. It has become an ever-so-accurate a portrayal of my life. Bleah! I thought I was free of that! Yet, here I am again…
I think it started off innocently enough. I was on this road back in November 2006, experiencing victory in the moment, leaning on God, needing him. NOT making excuses, but giving my choices to the Lord fairly consistently.
Then, as I realized that I could minister to others about this issue, I began to feel an understandable sense of responsibility… This isn’t necessarily wrong. Though in my case, pride wasn’t far behind. A sense of responsibility to those we minister to can be a good thing. I should be accountable for what I put out there to share with others. If I teach it, if I proclaim it, I need to live it. In the case of this material, there should be physical evidence if I am doing that…or so it seems to me. Not perfection, no…but a willing transformation. Sometimes it is three steps forward and two back, but the direction is set and consistent.
For the past 9 months, though, I have gone from 3 steps forward and 2 back to 1 step forward and 3 back. Now, I feel like I am on this path heading the WRONG direction completely! I am heading backward at break-neck speed now. Very few steps are heading forward.
At some point, I went from a God-calling awareness of ministering to others and the responsibility that brings with it in a godly way, to a fixation on PERFORMANCE for the sake of my reputation! Now I am stuck in a place where I am all about “What will so and so think?” or “How do I *appear*?” YUCK! If I were even half so concerned about GOD’s reputation and glory because of my behavior as I am my own, I might really be able to make headway once again.
While it IS true that God doesn’t look at outward appearance, that he looks on the heart, man, nevertheless does look at outward appearance.
I do believe there is some place in the Christian life for appearance since humans will use it to evaluate the validity of my message…how DO I appear? For instance, I don’t go to another church for a Monday night service because the appearance can cause others in my own church to stumble right now. I have the freedom to do so, but with so many having left our church during a difficult transition time, I don’t want it to appear that my heart is divided–and I don’t want my heart to BE divided! Since agreeing to be on the search team for a new pastor at our church, my sense of responsibility is all the more heightened. So I willingly give up my freedom in Christ to go to that church on Monday night for teaching and worship so that others aren’t caused to stumble by my appearance to be divided in heart.
Likewise, I know that my walk through the Thin Within material–dropping the weight and then finding some again–can cause others to stumble. I think part of my motivation to CLING to the lowest weight that I was initially had to do with an honest desire not to cause others to stumble. After all, my appearance has been what has caused people to be willing to listen to the message…that of depending on the Lord and the heart transformation that he will bring, causing a physical transformation, too! My physically releasing weight, gave validity in many peoples’ eyes (understandably) to the message! So it stands to reason that just as many people would feel prone to think “Ha! That must not work, look at her now!” :-/
The number of people who say things like “I would like advice from someone who has lost all their weight and kept it off” is quite high. What it means, is that I am disqualified from having anything to offer them or to encourage them with if I have gained any weight back for any reason. Again, people aren’t nearly so concerned about the heart issues as they are the physical body and outward appearance. I see this more and more and have trouble with it myself.
I know that some of my physical appearance changing is directly related to my ongoing struggle to give God my heart. Frankly, I bow before my tastebuds often enough! My heart IS divided! I want to honor the Lord, but when I want something sweet, well… “I want it.” (I heard myself saying that to my husband this morning…eek!)
So some months back, in order to be able to minister to as many as possible, I wanted to keep the weight off…but then something shifted…the heart may have been in the right place initially (I guess that is in question!)…but then it shifted to MY reputation as I stated above. It began to shift toward serving pride.
Now it is once again a full blown obsession with how I appear…not for God’s sake, not for ministry’s sake… (though, this is a part of it, too) but, mostly, for my own sake. I am humiliated and embarrassed. With this has come a TRUCKLOAD of head junk that (in my pride) I thought I would never struggle with again. When I was thin, I didn’t have to worry about these kinds of things. Of course, maybe I am looking back at Egypt forgetting some of the heartaches I *did* have. Right now with my size bigger than I am comfortable, I have a ton of junk messing with my head. More than in a long while. It is absolutely devastating for me.
Frankly, I have felt like I want to just let some things go (for instance, my intention to be free from nutrasweet and caffeine) and get back to a size that I like…and sort out the idols later. That has been my thinking! I know this is what in recovery is called “stinking thinking,” but it seems so reasonable to me right now. I can take worrying about idols later so much better than I can take the mess my head is in right now.
So I end this blog entry where I started…sharing that there are many lies I have been believing in spite of how long I have been on this path. Right now, I believe the lie that says “Get thin again at all costs and deal with the rest of the damage later…” In my rational brain, I can know this is a lie. But my heart so wants to break free of the junk that being overweight brings with it. When I was thin…I didn’t have *that* heartache. I had others. Right now, I would rather have those than these old familiar things that I thought I had left behind forever. This really stinks…I know that in my mind everything seems way worse than it all actually is…but I need it to go away. I just want it all to go away!
Wow…when I began this blog entry, this is NOT what I had planned to share with you. This is authentic, though. Yuck. Nothing like letting the entire world in on the whole ugly picture.
Yuck…as I read and re-read this blog entry, I began to feel so hopeless! I went to the fridge and opened the cookie dough tub, took out a finger-full. Took a bite…and instantly spit it out…and gave the rest to the dog…I guess I am not totally a goner. In the past I would have actually felt like it tasted good and was soothing. Right now, it mocks me…it is repulsive to me…but my having been drawn to do that sort of blows me away. Nevertheless…there is a MARBLE in my JAR today! LOL!
I need yet more time with the Lord, quiet before him, still…clinging to him…begging him to save me from lies I believe!
I warned you! This post is UGLY!
If you can at all identify with any of this, hang in there. I am not giving up. I am going to press on…
Heidi… I so appreciate your honesty. Praying for you as I hope you are for me as we both persevere.
Heidi… I so appreciate your honesty. Praying for you as I hope you are for me as we both persevere.
Heidi: I am someone who lost 40 pounds over 40 years ago and kept that weight off. However, when I led a TW group I didn't think my many overweight members believed I understood them or could relate to their problems. Some didn't seem to want advice about how to lose weight. They wanted empathy (maybe sympathy) and understanding about their difficulties. I led my local group for over 2 years, before I quit to lead a celiac support group and learn to eat with 7 food allergy restrictions. Then another woman from my TW group offered to assume leadership of my group.The new leader needed to lose about 100 pounds (about as much as I weighed when I led the group). Group members appreciated her leadership and learned the TW approach, just as my group members had done. However my 'successor' leader didn't think she was qualified to lead, because she was sooo overweight. When I led my group, I doubted that I was the right person to lead my group because I was my ideal weight, even though I still struggled with disordered eating habits and could relate to group members struggles with bingeing, overeating, etc. I eventually realized THERE IS NO PERFECT WEIGHT THAT WILL MAKE A GROUP LEADER SEEM CREDIBLE OR EMPATHETIC TOWARD HER GROUP MEMBERS. All she can do is present the material, share her experiences, and above all encourage others who try the TW approach to resolve eating and weight problems. I realize as a blogger, you don't see people's faces or nonverbal approval. However you can BELIEVE the comments that people post on your blog. THEY APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY. They relate to your struggles. They can see that you slip, fall, and pick yourself up and get back on track. They can read that you believe God can strengthen, guide and comfort you better than any food. They can read that you may occasionally forget about God's gracious presence, but He never forgets about you. BTW like beauty, 'ugly' is in the eye of the beholder. God doesn't condemn you like you condemn yourself. Negative reinforcement or punishment through labels will never be as effective as God's forgiving grace. I pray that He will help you see yourself as He sees you.SUE
Heidi: I am someone who lost 40 pounds over 40 years ago and kept that weight off. However, when I led a TW group I didn't think my many overweight members believed I understood them or could relate to their problems. Some didn't seem to want advice about how to lose weight. They wanted empathy (maybe sympathy) and understanding about their difficulties. I led my local group for over 2 years, before I quit to lead a celiac support group and learn to eat with 7 food allergy restrictions. Then another woman from my TW group offered to assume leadership of my group.The new leader needed to lose about 100 pounds (about as much as I weighed when I led the group). Group members appreciated her leadership and learned the TW approach, just as my group members had done. However my 'successor' leader didn't think she was qualified to lead, because she was sooo overweight. When I led my group, I doubted that I was the right person to lead my group because I was my ideal weight, even though I still struggled with disordered eating habits and could relate to group members struggles with bingeing, overeating, etc. I eventually realized THERE IS NO PERFECT WEIGHT THAT WILL MAKE A GROUP LEADER SEEM CREDIBLE OR EMPATHETIC TOWARD HER GROUP MEMBERS. All she can do is present the material, share her experiences, and above all encourage others who try the TW approach to resolve eating and weight problems. I realize as a blogger, you don't see people's faces or nonverbal approval. However you can BELIEVE the comments that people post on your blog. THEY APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY. They relate to your struggles. They can see that you slip, fall, and pick yourself up and get back on track. They can read that you believe God can strengthen, guide and comfort you better than any food. They can read that you may occasionally forget about God's gracious presence, but He never forgets about you. BTW like beauty, 'ugly' is in the eye of the beholder. God doesn't condemn you like you condemn yourself. Negative reinforcement or punishment through labels will never be as effective as God's forgiving grace. I pray that He will help you see yourself as He sees you.SUE
Hi Heidi, I am totally there with you. I haven't been vigilant with the lies the enemy has been planting. I wanted to give up and God told me so clearly and in an assuring but confident tone…"Don't Give Up"…I want to encourage you to not give up and continue to put your trust in the Master.Continued Blessings in the Journey, Anita
Hi Heidi, I am totally there with you. I haven't been vigilant with the lies the enemy has been planting. I wanted to give up and God told me so clearly and in an assuring but confident tone…"Don't Give Up"…I want to encourage you to not give up and continue to put your trust in the Master.Continued Blessings in the Journey, Anita
I want to say that I appreciate your honesty very much, Heidi. I don't have the time or interest to read blogs that are inauthentic. Life is too short! I find your posts inspirational, all of them. Blessings, Olivia
I want to say that I appreciate your honesty very much, Heidi. I don't have the time or interest to read blogs that are inauthentic. Life is too short! I find your posts inspirational, all of them. Blessings, Olivia
Hi, everyone. Thanks for your support. I do appreciate it.Sue, your point is well taken. I guess the bottom line is we all want to have excuses…reasons that we can't relate or don't need to own up or can minimize our sin. It can happen in a group setting or all by our lonesome. Thank you for making a good point.It is interesting to me that you say I condemn myself. I feel no sense of condemnation for myself…but perhaps I need to look more at that. I consider what I was doing processing my feelings openly and honestly. I know that there is no condemnation in Christ. I know the scriptures and I believe them. I know that Christ accepts me 100% right now, as I am and does even in the midst of sin. I know that he demonstrates his own love for us in that even while we were sinners Christ died for the ungodly…so yes, I believe what he says. I know it is true. Perhaps my words convey something that isn't what I feel…or perhaps I feel something that I am not aware of at a conscious level.I just want to go to Disneyland and stop worrying about any of it!
Hi, everyone. Thanks for your support. I do appreciate it.Sue, your point is well taken. I guess the bottom line is we all want to have excuses…reasons that we can't relate or don't need to own up or can minimize our sin. It can happen in a group setting or all by our lonesome. Thank you for making a good point.It is interesting to me that you say I condemn myself. I feel no sense of condemnation for myself…but perhaps I need to look more at that. I consider what I was doing processing my feelings openly and honestly. I know that there is no condemnation in Christ. I know the scriptures and I believe them. I know that Christ accepts me 100% right now, as I am and does even in the midst of sin. I know that he demonstrates his own love for us in that even while we were sinners Christ died for the ungodly…so yes, I believe what he says. I know it is true. Perhaps my words convey something that isn't what I feel…or perhaps I feel something that I am not aware of at a conscious level.I just want to go to Disneyland and stop worrying about any of it!
Heidi: Maybe I misinterpretted your paragraph "Well, God hasn't created the ugly you are about to see in me… And no matter if you think this creature IS ugly, he (she?) is definitely not uglier than what you are about to read…so here it is…" Maybe you don't consider 'the ugly you are about to see in me' condemning. After reading those words I just skimmed through the rest of your post, esp. your comments about your 'sin' of making excuses for eating what you want when you want. I learned TW's approach and even led my group for over 2 years. However telling myself that I had sinned every time I binged and purged did not help me recognize what I did right, when I slipped. When I only focussed on my sin, I discounted all the days I didn't slip. I discounted all the ways I resisted using those eating habits before I finally gave in. I also discounted how I limited myself to one binge/purge session that day or only once a month, unlike my previous several episodes a day and twice a week. Maybe I underestimated the depth or the 'ugliness' of my sins. However, I do know that I went from bingeing and purging 2-3 times a day several days a week 35 years ago to only one episode a month in recent years to developing such dislike of overeating and disdain for throwing up that I no longer do either. I didn't deny what I did. In fact I tracked on my calendars every binge/purge day. Nevertheless focussing on what worked for me to resist using those habits helped me more and more often resist urges to use those habits. By God's grace alone I finally changed my beliefs about my eating habits, which helped me eliminate the attraction and urge to use disordered eating habits.
Heidi: Maybe I misinterpretted your paragraph "Well, God hasn't created the ugly you are about to see in me… And no matter if you think this creature IS ugly, he (she?) is definitely not uglier than what you are about to read…so here it is…" Maybe you don't consider 'the ugly you are about to see in me' condemning. After reading those words I just skimmed through the rest of your post, esp. your comments about your 'sin' of making excuses for eating what you want when you want. I learned TW's approach and even led my group for over 2 years. However telling myself that I had sinned every time I binged and purged did not help me recognize what I did right, when I slipped. When I only focussed on my sin, I discounted all the days I didn't slip. I discounted all the ways I resisted using those eating habits before I finally gave in. I also discounted how I limited myself to one binge/purge session that day or only once a month, unlike my previous several episodes a day and twice a week. Maybe I underestimated the depth or the 'ugliness' of my sins. However, I do know that I went from bingeing and purging 2-3 times a day several days a week 35 years ago to only one episode a month in recent years to developing such dislike of overeating and disdain for throwing up that I no longer do either. I didn't deny what I did. In fact I tracked on my calendars every binge/purge day. Nevertheless focussing on what worked for me to resist using those habits helped me more and more often resist urges to use those habits. By God's grace alone I finally changed my beliefs about my eating habits, which helped me eliminate the attraction and urge to use disordered eating habits.
Funny…I didn't mean that the stuff I had to confess was ugly in that way, Sue…I meant the fact that I had so much to confess was ugly…and I don't think of it as condemning. It isn't the beauty of Christ. To me, if I don't call sin sin or ugly ugly, I will continue to justify it. I don't have to deny sin when it is present because I have a great savior. Even while I was sinning, even while I was crucifying him, he chose to love me and accept me. I don't believe my sinning separates me from his love or his 100% approval like many do. I believe scripture teaches he has justified me…not just "overlooked" my sins. He isn't like a grandpa pretending I haven't snuck cookies. He has seen the *ugliness* and attributed Christ's righteousness to me anyhow. Because of this, I want to live to honor him. I want to submit anything ugly in me TO him…and anything beautiful for that matter. Maybe I am not saying it right….I do feel a bit like your tone is condemning me for what you interpret as condemning myself! Isn't that ironic! LOL!
Funny…I didn't mean that the stuff I had to confess was ugly in that way, Sue…I meant the fact that I had so much to confess was ugly…and I don't think of it as condemning. It isn't the beauty of Christ. To me, if I don't call sin sin or ugly ugly, I will continue to justify it. I don't have to deny sin when it is present because I have a great savior. Even while I was sinning, even while I was crucifying him, he chose to love me and accept me. I don't believe my sinning separates me from his love or his 100% approval like many do. I believe scripture teaches he has justified me…not just "overlooked" my sins. He isn't like a grandpa pretending I haven't snuck cookies. He has seen the *ugliness* and attributed Christ's righteousness to me anyhow. Because of this, I want to live to honor him. I want to submit anything ugly in me TO him…and anything beautiful for that matter. Maybe I am not saying it right….I do feel a bit like your tone is condemning me for what you interpret as condemning myself! Isn't that ironic! LOL!
This is exactly the "ugly" I was wrestling with last week that I commented about on your "define failure" entry…but you said it so much better Heidi! Girl, yes, do not give up…on God. On you–yes, white flag it. You directed me to the marble illustration and that has been a steadying image of the doctrine of God's continual grace for us who put our trust in Him to save. But leading the Thin Within study here, I've faced similar "ugly" sides of focus on appearance, not wanting to ruin the message, etc. But really, it's true of our entire life in Christ…we can show out in our flesh at ANY point and damage the witness of Christ in our lives. However, God is a redeemer and goes after the 1 when the 99 are doing well for a season…and perhaps when we are in our ugliest, we have the stronger testimony of His nature as a pursuing Father? Not to boast in sin, but in weakness…that He is glorified all the more?No matter what, I'll be praying for you too sister, do not grow weary in doing good (confessing, agreeing with Him about who you are and Who HE is!), and you WILL reap a harvest!!In His grip,Heather
This is exactly the "ugly" I was wrestling with last week that I commented about on your "define failure" entry…but you said it so much better Heidi! Girl, yes, do not give up…on God. On you–yes, white flag it. You directed me to the marble illustration and that has been a steadying image of the doctrine of God's continual grace for us who put our trust in Him to save. But leading the Thin Within study here, I've faced similar "ugly" sides of focus on appearance, not wanting to ruin the message, etc. But really, it's true of our entire life in Christ…we can show out in our flesh at ANY point and damage the witness of Christ in our lives. However, God is a redeemer and goes after the 1 when the 99 are doing well for a season…and perhaps when we are in our ugliest, we have the stronger testimony of His nature as a pursuing Father? Not to boast in sin, but in weakness…that He is glorified all the more?No matter what, I'll be praying for you too sister, do not grow weary in doing good (confessing, agreeing with Him about who you are and Who HE is!), and you WILL reap a harvest!!In His grip,Heather
Heidi: I certainly did NOT mean to condemn you or anything you said. I apologize for any 'tone' that seemed like I was condemning you. Although I often 'observe and correct' or 'confess and repent', I just wanted to share that focussing on my 'sin' when I 'observed', did not help me as much as focussing on how God helped me to 'sin' less often or the 'correct' part. Maybe you need to call sin 'sin' and ugly 'ugly' so you don't continue to justify it, but that didn't help me overcome my habits as much as thanking God for helping me resist using those habits.You mentioned "as I read and re-read this blog entry, I began to feel so hopeless! I went to the fridge and opened the cookie dough tub, took out a finger-full. Took a bite…and instantly spit it out…and gave the rest to the dog". WOW!! That's what I'm talking about!! PRAISE GOD that He strengthened you in that moment to resist using food to cope with hopelessness. I want to encourage you to focus on how you resisted sin in that moment, rather than all the ways you sinned before that moment.I focused on just such moments, when I resisted using my disordered eating habits, even when they occurred only rarely at first. The more I focussed on how God helped me resist 'sinful' habits, the less often I used those habits. Does that make sense?
Heidi: I certainly did NOT mean to condemn you or anything you said. I apologize for any 'tone' that seemed like I was condemning you. Although I often 'observe and correct' or 'confess and repent', I just wanted to share that focussing on my 'sin' when I 'observed', did not help me as much as focussing on how God helped me to 'sin' less often or the 'correct' part. Maybe you need to call sin 'sin' and ugly 'ugly' so you don't continue to justify it, but that didn't help me overcome my habits as much as thanking God for helping me resist using those habits.You mentioned "as I read and re-read this blog entry, I began to feel so hopeless! I went to the fridge and opened the cookie dough tub, took out a finger-full. Took a bite…and instantly spit it out…and gave the rest to the dog". WOW!! That's what I'm talking about!! PRAISE GOD that He strengthened you in that moment to resist using food to cope with hopelessness. I want to encourage you to focus on how you resisted sin in that moment, rather than all the ways you sinned before that moment.I focused on just such moments, when I resisted using my disordered eating habits, even when they occurred only rarely at first. The more I focussed on how God helped me resist 'sinful' habits, the less often I used those habits. Does that make sense?
Dear Heidi,I too need to call sin sin, and ugly ugly. I need to remind myself that I am offending God (hurting his feelings) when I disobey. No, it does not change his love for me, and no I do not condemn myself but YES I need to remember that I do not want to continue to do things as if they do not matter because of his grace.Yes, His grace is there always, and I know that, but also He gives me his grace so I CAN live and walk his way. I had an earthly father who loved me unconditionally. I cannot tell you how much he showed his love, and never -no matter what I said or did did he ever turn on me, or get angry with me. I was his 'baby', and he always showed me that. And when I hurt him, because I was just being rebellious, or maybe simply did not mean to, I could see the hurt in his eyes. He never rejected me or anything, never, or try to use guilt (common for Italian parents) but in my heart I knew I had hurt him, and I could see it in his face. Then I would feel bad (most of the time I would but I was not the perfect child). When I felt bad, I would try to do something to please him, and make him happy, and he knew what I was doing, and he would say – 'that's ok, babe-I know'. Even though he would say it's ok, the joy he showed would tickle me so.So, that is how I think of hurting my heavenly father. It is not his condemnation or mine that I want to avoid, it is his joy and mine that I want to feel. And to feel that I need to remind myself or correct myself when I am not living his way.I understand what you meant Heidi, at least I think I did. And, yes we need to call things as they are. Only then will I pick myself up, try to do better, and then move on.You stay with us girl, I need you. Your guidance is something specialy, you have the gift of leadership. No leaders are perfect, but some are just more inspiritional than others, and that my friend is what you are.And have a good time at Disney.LOLMadaline
Dear Heidi,I too need to call sin sin, and ugly ugly. I need to remind myself that I am offending God (hurting his feelings) when I disobey. No, it does not change his love for me, and no I do not condemn myself but YES I need to remember that I do not want to continue to do things as if they do not matter because of his grace.Yes, His grace is there always, and I know that, but also He gives me his grace so I CAN live and walk his way. I had an earthly father who loved me unconditionally. I cannot tell you how much he showed his love, and never -no matter what I said or did did he ever turn on me, or get angry with me. I was his 'baby', and he always showed me that. And when I hurt him, because I was just being rebellious, or maybe simply did not mean to, I could see the hurt in his eyes. He never rejected me or anything, never, or try to use guilt (common for Italian parents) but in my heart I knew I had hurt him, and I could see it in his face. Then I would feel bad (most of the time I would but I was not the perfect child). When I felt bad, I would try to do something to please him, and make him happy, and he knew what I was doing, and he would say – 'that's ok, babe-I know'. Even though he would say it's ok, the joy he showed would tickle me so.So, that is how I think of hurting my heavenly father. It is not his condemnation or mine that I want to avoid, it is his joy and mine that I want to feel. And to feel that I need to remind myself or correct myself when I am not living his way.I understand what you meant Heidi, at least I think I did. And, yes we need to call things as they are. Only then will I pick myself up, try to do better, and then move on.You stay with us girl, I need you. Your guidance is something specialy, you have the gift of leadership. No leaders are perfect, but some are just more inspiritional than others, and that my friend is what you are.And have a good time at Disney.LOLMadaline
My heart is with you Heidi!Your honesty is so wonderful. Another group I belonged to wasn't real and acted as if nothing was ever wrong, hence I didn't learn much and felt condemned and "whats wrong with me" all the time. I love your blog and your imperfect self! Remember the difference between your who and your do!
My heart is with you Heidi!Your honesty is so wonderful. Another group I belonged to wasn't real and acted as if nothing was ever wrong, hence I didn't learn much and felt condemned and "whats wrong with me" all the time. I love your blog and your imperfect self! Remember the difference between your who and your do!