Have you ever felt like roadkill? I don’t mean the kind where you can tell what kind of unfortunate animal stepped in the way of a speeding motorist, but the kind that has been on the road for days and that now is nothing but a flattened mass of gray fur barely discernible on the asphalt?
That is me this morning.
Yesterday was, perhaps, the roughest day I have had in forever. And today has begun with a continuation of yesterday’s drama because I can’t seem to let go. Replaying conversations again and again between myself and someone I care about…it is just serving to make me miserable.
Sadly, today is my daughter’s 15th birthday. I really must get over myself and not ruin her day. I can’t even give myself the luxury of processing the situation that has put me in this frame of mind.
Today, nothing is left, no one is home. I am spent. I am left scratching my mangled head (and heart) about why God seemed to have led me to do something if it was going to result in such overwhelming sadness for me and for another. Why did I feel *confidently* that he wanted me to leap into oncoming traffic if I was only going to be taken out? I thought (arrogantly, perhaps) that he was using me to run a rescue of sorts. Even as I type this, I feel a sense of “Woe is me…I am such a victim!” Good grief.
This morning, God met me in my grief. I could barely lift my eyes to look toward him. But HIS beauty is what this is about…HIS face, HIS life in me, HIS will, HIS love, HIS plan…and I must do faithfully that to which He calls and, as one wise friend recently stated, leave the response of anyone else to Him. I can grieve that she felt more led to roll over the top of me than to stop and pause and ask God what His plan in this experience was. But now it is time to peel myself off the pavement…or allow God to lift my eyes Heavenward.
What, after all, have I been crowing about here on the blog for the past few weeks?
As I opened my book to chapter 9, I was amazed yet again by God’s timing…that today, of all days, I would read these words–words I have read so many times before. Living a charmed life has some drawbacks. When I have an experience like yesterday, I feel totally unprepared, out of my element, absolutely uncertain what to do and how to move forward. So, in my previous readings of this chapter, it is fair to say, I have never been in quite the place that I was this morning.
I highlighted almost all of page 87, in fact. I want to share the words written there. I feel like the fact that God brought these words to my eyes and heart this morning shows his incredibly loving, sovereign, omniscient character:
…our current suffering isn’t the only truth upon which to focus. It isn’t even the primary truth. What our sovereign God has purposed in Heaven is more real than what we can see. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).
We can rest assured that no suffering is wasted when it is placed in God’s hands. No single heart aches that His doesn’t ache all the more. The Scriptures teach that the Lord has a record of all our tears (Psalm 56:8). We know that Jesus wept with Mary and Martha….We know that one day our Lord will wipe away every tear from our eyes (Revelation 7:17).
God uses each and every tear we have shed and every pain we have experienced to form and mold our character, to strengthen us, and to draw us closer to His heart. He wants us to experience His strength and sufficiency. He uses our affliction to cause us to see our need for Him and our struggles with food, eating, and our bodies to send us to Him, to look for His solution. In our weakness, He is made strong. He uses even this personal battle you are experiencing and He will redeem it for His glory. (Thin Within, pages 87-88)
As you might well imagine, reading this and the following pages, encouraged my heart so very much. I felt like God was personally in the midst of my trial–He is!
I must admit, however, that in my tiredness and being overwhelmed emotionally, yesterday, I reverted to old coping mechanisms. Perhaps not to the extreme that I did in the past, but my heart was hardened and I wanted to no longer feel pain…to numb myself. I ate outside of godly parameters and drank Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi outside of godly parameters as well. :-/ I ignored the call of my Savior in these things.
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
-Isaiah 30:18 (NIV)
The NASB renders this verse “He waits on High to have compassion on you…”
Why do I keep him waiting to show me compassion?
This morning Jesus no longer had to wait. 🙂 He met me in the quietness of my private time with him. What a gentle, loving, kind Shepherd.
At the bottom of page 89, I am asked directly, “Are you currently in the midst of a challenge or trial?” Well, yes…I am. Then, the book admonishes “Ask the Lord to reveal His purposes for allowing this trial…” Ok…so I wait. If nothing else, I am reminded yet again of how desperately needy I am for HIM. Apart from Him, I am lost.
Oh, Heidi, I'm so sorry for your pain. You are such a great witness for our Lord…always trying to be His light…lending others your wisdom…WAIT! That's exactly why the enemy would be wanting you to be smack dab in the middle of pain and agony. You know I wouldn't simplify your hurt, right? But, truly, truly, these are the situations where we need to "consider it pure joy to suffer"! Aaah! I just prayed that you will put one foot in front of the other IN FAITH to keep going on….that you would feel His peace without understanding…Please know I'm hurting for you right now, but praying, too. Bless you through this trial, sweet sister. Think Light!~Diahn
Oh, Heidi, I'm so sorry for your pain. You are such a great witness for our Lord…always trying to be His light…lending others your wisdom…WAIT! That's exactly why the enemy would be wanting you to be smack dab in the middle of pain and agony. You know I wouldn't simplify your hurt, right? But, truly, truly, these are the situations where we need to "consider it pure joy to suffer"! Aaah! I just prayed that you will put one foot in front of the other IN FAITH to keep going on….that you would feel His peace without understanding…Please know I'm hurting for you right now, but praying, too. Bless you through this trial, sweet sister. Think Light!~Diahn
My hand is in yours, as a sister in Christ, upholding you and praying for you during this difficult time. Stay faithful as I know you will!I just went back and viewed your last video. They are SO important to me, so helpful. I have been discouraged because I have not gotten that quick fix (the sword was a perfect example) of starting to lose weight when I feel probably everyone else has already "got it" and is. I'm still at the top, still struggling to grasp and be transformed. I know pride has much to do with it as well, I dare say may even be the heart of this.All through this God has told me this was something between He and I and that this was going to be a long process. Possibly a very long process. "Do you still trust me, Laura?" I have to say I have despaired often lately, but I keep coming back. I have to believe. I choose to believe. And I must accept myself and know God loves me even if I'm 260 pounds. Even if I am that a year from now.Wow,so much to learn…and I am so impatient.
My hand is in yours, as a sister in Christ, upholding you and praying for you during this difficult time. Stay faithful as I know you will!I just went back and viewed your last video. They are SO important to me, so helpful. I have been discouraged because I have not gotten that quick fix (the sword was a perfect example) of starting to lose weight when I feel probably everyone else has already "got it" and is. I'm still at the top, still struggling to grasp and be transformed. I know pride has much to do with it as well, I dare say may even be the heart of this.All through this God has told me this was something between He and I and that this was going to be a long process. Possibly a very long process. "Do you still trust me, Laura?" I have to say I have despaired often lately, but I keep coming back. I have to believe. I choose to believe. And I must accept myself and know God loves me even if I'm 260 pounds. Even if I am that a year from now.Wow,so much to learn…and I am so impatient.
Heidi,I am praying for you!(((((((warm Hugs))))))))I really love your honesty! What you wrote really spoke to me! The video is so delightful!By doing this blog you have helped me so much! I think I am finally starting to get it!Dena
Heidi,I am praying for you!(((((((warm Hugs))))))))I really love your honesty! What you wrote really spoke to me! The video is so delightful!By doing this blog you have helped me so much! I think I am finally starting to get it!Dena
Diahn…thank you again for your kind words of encouragement. I truly appreciate it!Laura…thank you as well. I am sooo weary right now! Hang in there…cling to Jesus, cling to Jesus, cling to Jesus. He WILL come through. Joy cometh! :-)Dena…thanks! I am so glad!
Diahn…thank you again for your kind words of encouragement. I truly appreciate it!Laura…thank you as well. I am sooo weary right now! Hang in there…cling to Jesus, cling to Jesus, cling to Jesus. He WILL come through. Joy cometh! :-)Dena…thanks! I am so glad!