Again and again, I must be willing to bring my heart authentically to the Lord. I realize that what is here in these more recent blog entries, may jar many people who have a certain view of me, of my journey, of how a Christian *should* think, feel, act…
But the truth is, God has shown me that, at the heart of my journey to be free from obsessions regarding food, eating, my body, there must be an authentic willingness to admit my feelings to Him. To bring to Him the thoughts with which I struggle. When I am mad at Him, disappointed in Him, when I feel this sense that He has done wrong against me (even though God can do no wrong). He already *knows* how I feel. Denying how I feel just keeps me in chains, in captivity. As I admit to Him what I feel, He can clean it up and out. He will root out the cancer of bitterness before it becomes that defilement that Hebrews speaks of.
To say “Christians don’t feel that way” is to deny truth. Satan is the Father of lies. I believe that by being honest and presenting these heartaches to the Lord and sharing them here with you, my healing takes place. God can handle it when I complain to Him, when I rail on Him. He is perfectly able to defend Himself to me, so please don’t email me about how God can do no wrong and how sinful and incorrect I am for having these thoughts. God has called me to bring these thoughts *to* Him and to allow Him to work. We have been here before and I imagine we will be here again. And my horse, Harley, has often been the vehicle God has used to show me that we have this issue percolating again (go figure). (Maybe that is why I am considering selling Harley, in fact…because it is TOO painful to have this in my face every few months!)
So the words I share here are shared with trepidation and hesitance. I don’t want to do anything to fuel another’s rebellion against God. Please don’t use my confessions to justify resisting the Lord. If He calls you to face into your own truthful perceptions and mis-perceptions about Him and His character as He is calling to me, please allow Him to do it. Pleaes respond to His call. Tell Him how you feel. He can take it. I believe what he will not abide is our pretense. We insult Him when we pretend all is well and piously say “God is good all the time, all the time God is good” when inwardly we are screaming “WHY???” and shaking our fists at Him. It is my conviction that God wants us to bring our heartaches, anger, disappointment and shaking fists to Him…He will meet us where we are. He brings a heart of love, of compassion, and, yes, of holiness. He will straighten what is crooked, fix what is broken, mend what is torn, heal what is hurting, rebuke what needs rebuking, too. It is true. But how can we grow if we deny we have these feelings? How can I grow if I deny that these thoughts have resurfaced?
Anyhow, I hope something in this lengthy disclosure can minister to your heart…or to the heart of a friend of yours that you know needs to hear…Christians–even those in leadership–even those who love the Lord, know His Word–those who have been in ministry for decades–even those who God uses to write books! (HA!)–even those Christians have challenges they must identify and bring to the Lord. Like the hemorrhaging woman, I am falling in the dust, clinging to the hem of Jesus’ garment…for only a taste of His power to remove this bleeding of my heart. He will do it.
If I am not at peace with Daniel’s “stuff” be it real and permanent, real and temporary, or in my head or whatever else, then I frankly am not at peace with God being God. This is the crux of all of my eating issues and, frankly, all of life for me.
Daniel has what doctors call a “developmental disorder.” Even the label flies in the face of the character of God. 1 Corinthians 14:33 says: “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” So where does that leave us when God formed and created Daniel in the womb and he has what man, anyhow, calls a “disorder?” This makes no sense to me. (Obviously, one answer is that GOD does NOT call it a “disorder!” I cling to that hope right now as I edit my words here!)
God has made Daniel autistic…he is incapable of being aware and sensitive of others’ needs and emotions. He is, by nature, self-centered and can’t possibly understand the “otherness” of other people (which is one aspect of autism).
If God would create my son this way, then how on earth can I trust God with other things in my life, let alone something that seems so relatively insignificant as my eating? Don’t get me wrong. I love Daniel dearly. But the fact is, life isn’t likely to ever be for him what it is for “normal” young men. No, I don’t know his future, I realize, but so many things are stacked against him. Why would God choose to do that to him–at birth? And why assign him a mother who has NO resources upon which to draw? (Yes, I know God enables and equips me–in theory–but how much better it would be, it seems, to call upon someone who is a nurturer by nature already, who was raised by a loving, compassionate mother, who had a decent example of living as a servant for others!)
It is hard for me, in light of these things, to believe God at His Word…”Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.” How can He nourish my soul, my heart, my neediness, when at the very heart of who I am, I feel as though He has kicked me in the teeth and my child, too? If I can’t trust God with my CHILDREN, the really important things in life…then where does that leave these other things? Like eating?
It is still a process. Every now and then, God and I dialog this way about it, He brings the truth home to me (very lovingly and tenderly), and I work through it with Him, ultimately, surrendering my objections. Then, I am at peace again. I am able to recognize it now, when the objections emerge, and I dialog with Him about it–it makes a big difference.
“God is God and I am not.”