Where can I go from your Spirit? 

Where can I flee from your presence? 

Psalm 139:7

I don’t really understand this mentality I am struggling with. Why do I want to *run* from the One who loves me? Why do I want to dodge His questions? His healing?

Healing is (ironically enough) painful. He has brought me to a place that is soooo familiar. And I detest it. It feels like a place where I was raised…where I felt helpless…and my hands were tied. I see that he has brought me to this place because *this* time he wants to show me how he intends these kinds of circumstances to bring forth His purposes, His fruit, His healing, His growth. (Instead of self-sufficiency and the “fruit” of doing it my way…)

But all I know is that this feels so familiar–painful…I feel like a trapped animal. As a child, I was trapped in these circumstances. As an adult, I have some freedom.

He wants me to forego the exercise of this freedom or, even more, to choose to exercise my freedom in going through this place, this place I want to flee from, that I want to avoid, that I want to deny.

In my head, I know His healing is here. But I am reacting as if I am still that 8 year old child, helpless, unprotected, afraid…

The entire thing is making me angry, too.

I must be willing to prayerfully evaluate the roll my emotions and my past (and my present experience of reliving the past) have on my disordered eating. This is an opportunity to do that. Instead of running from Him, I have to make a choice to surrender…and to invite the pain to wash over me long enough to experience what He intends. I know healing is in this place. I know it… but it is so hard to willingly subject myself to the pain of it all.