I know the blog name is “God is Doing a New Thing.” I think, though, that I take for granted that I have used up all my “new thing” tokens and he is doing the same old thing or a new new thing in someone else this week… 🙂
I had a huge revelation this morning, though.
Let me back up. My accountability partner and dear friend leads a Thin Within group at a church that meets near Sacramento. She has had me speak to her group a couple of times and I have absolutely LOVED being with those ladies. I love sharing time with them and having the privilege of telling them about a few things I have learned being on this journey so long. It has been a delight to my heart.
Last night on the phone, Kim asked me again, “We want you to come again and speak with the group.” I hemmed and hawed and put her off…explaining that I need to find out if this is a season for me to be quiet while God works on me. I figured it would be pride that would keep me yacking in front of others when my size is up from my “final” weight. While I haven’t continued to gain weight–I am holding steady at this size–I feel like…well, a *failure*… and I mentioned to Kim that I don’t want to be a hypocrite. (Yup…I used that word!) We left it at I would let her know when I felt like I could do it. Hmm…
Truthfully, as I thought and prayed about it this morning, my response baffled me a bit. I am working on shaking the approval addiction, fear of failure, and the performance trap…yet what did my response indicate? That I was still caught up in it…very much so.
This morning as I sat praying about how I felt at her invitation I had a “BFO” or “Blinding Flash of the Obvious” strike me…DUH!
This is what I wrote in my prayer journal:
Lord, Kim has asked me to come speak to her group again. Please help me to shake shame as I think that is precisely what I feel. My feeling is how could I possibly speak to these ladies about how to do this thing when I clearly look different than I used to? I mean, what if they notice the 10 pounds? Please help me to know if you want me to go to her class. If you want me to share, then of course I want to! But, Lord, I also don’t want this to feed my Approval Addiction. I don’t want to allow a constant need for approval of others and fear of failure to determine my actions either way. I do feel like a failure…my performance stinks…
…continuing in my prayer journal…this is the part where the light bulb goes on…
…It’s weird because apart from my physical size changing, I sure don’t feel like a failure! I feel like I am doing what YOU want!
Wow…I just realized, Lord…if I could strip away what the scale says or the way my favorite Levis fit…if I could forget about outward appearance for just a moment–I would see something else entirely! I would see that:
- I delight to grow and change
- I have made and am making hard decisions–for instance to speak out about something in obedience to you, even risking losing approval of others when doing so
- I have been practically processing things and obeying you–not always perfectly, but definitely in difficult choices!
- I have given up an extreme dependence on diet soda that held me in captivity for 30 years!!!!
- I like the changes I am making in response to your leadership, Lord!
- I am not allowing my need for success with my horses to drive my decisions or determine how I feel about myself any longer. Maybe it isn’t a need any more!
- I am doing what YOU say and letting go of the rest.
- I am making hard choices, listening to your voice.
- I am risking reaching out to love others
- I am being authentic…
Do I have this worked out perfectly? No…but wow! That is a great list! I think I like myself for the first time in a long time!!! Thank you, Lord, for all you are doing in me! THIS IS A NEW THING FOR SURE!
…So…WHY let my physical size get in the way of delighting in all you are doing in me? I still fight the fight against the lusts of the flesh. I still try to say no to the cookies when I am not at a 0…and sometimes succeed in saying no!
What a breakthrough for me to see this–that I am experiencing “success” at what really matters. I know that if this IS my set size…the size YOU want me to be…I am OK with it. It is ok. How I look compared to how I used to look isn’t the most important thing…it is what you have done and are doing in my heart that matters. I am no longer enslaved by the lust of my flesh that kept me drinking copious quantities of addicting and damaging chemicals… PRAISE YOU, LORD! And thank you for the safety of an incredible accountability partner who esteems me, but speaks TRUTH to me. THANK YOU.
So, as you can see, this is a huge breakthrough. I am not sure, yet, what it will mean about when I will share with Kim’s class, but I see now that Satan was trying to convince me that it was pride that would cause me to want to share. The truth is, it would be SHAME keeping me from it…
Another lie from the pit of hell has been rendered IMPOTENT by the power and truth of Christ! Praising his name!
–> How about you? Is there any way that you are wearing ungodly shame and calling it something else? Are there things God has been doing in your life as you travel this road that you are overlooking because you are fixating on your physical appearance? Yes, we want to be healthy physically, but what is eternal is something much deeper. God works both, but sometimes it may be the long way around…he is after the heart *now* and the physical body will follow.
–> Can you relate at all to my struggle? Have your favorite pair of jeans become an idol and you will do anything to be able to wear them? Has a number on a man-made bathroom scale become your measurement for “success?” Is what size you are or what you weigh more important than releasing obsession, addictions, and unhealthy practices? It sure has been for me…I am so thankful for God’s grace that has exposed the lies…and that continues to to so. So many blind spots, even still! It amazes me!
are not the weapons of the world.
On the contrary,
they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
We demolish arguments
and every pretension that sets itself up against
the knowledge of God,
and we take captive every thought
to make it obedient to Christ.
-2 Corinthians 10:4-5
But thanks be to God,
who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ…
2 Corinthians 2:14a
Let’s CELEBRATE the new thing HE IS DOING! 🙂