It hit me this morning.
I am living, for all practical purposes, as if I am godless.
How is this possible?
The past week or so, I have had difficulty processing Breezy’s diagnosis, I guess. For some reason, it has sent me into a topspin. I think it is partly because, in order to do my BEST for his care and to manage his disease effectively so he doesn’t end up foundering and in intense pain (and ultimately having to be put down), I must invest a lot of TIME (something I don’t have) and MONEY (something else I don’t have). Feeling this way makes me feel GUILTY (something I have a LOT of, it seems).
So, instead of bowing before the throne, I have gotten an edge going…a cold shoulder to God (who created Breezy and has blessed our family with him). This is a result of PRIDE.
Pride has led to PRAYERLESSNESS.
PRAYERLESSNESS is living like a GODLESS person.
For all intents and purposes, I am a practical atheist when I live like this.
This realization hit me like a ton of bricks this morning during, of all things, my quiet time.
You see, I can keep going through the motions of spending time in God’s Word, filling in the blanks in my workbooks, even parroting prayers from Stormie Omartian’s books (and even maybe praying my own) yet never really converse with the King of the Universe who wants to be invited into my life, to invade, to flood all my empty places with Himself.
I know an author I read somewhere once, mentioned this “practical atheism” view before. Was it John Piper? C.S. Lewis? I can’t remember…if you know, please let me know!
In any event, boy, was a smitten with this awareness.
God wants IN. He wants IN my every bite, my every swallow, my every word, my every thought. He wants to be my HOLY OBSESSION. He wants my blood to be “bibline” so that if I get cut out pours His truth…(well, you get the drift I trust).
While I feel like I “know” God’s Word inside and out, His precepts “like the back of my hand,” arrogance keeps this “knowing” at arm’s length. Why? I don’t have any clue. I know that it isn’t better my way apart from Him.
Somehow, I need to allow all that intellectual “knowledge” to come home to my heart. From merely a so-called intellectual “knowing” to an emotional, spiritual (and whatever else) BEING. I believe that this is vital.
I don’t want to live as if I am godless. I don’t want to make decisions apart from inquiring of the Lord or a perfunctory “Bless this choice God, because you have been silent on this for all of 2 seconds, so I am running ahead with the decision that I think you should make…so bless it, ok? Thanks.” I want to wait on Him.
To wait ON……………….
To wait on HIM…………………………
It hit me this morning.