Mother’s Day is tough for me. It is hard to get misty-eyed and sentimental for her.
My mom has played a huge role inmy battle with disordered eating.
True Confessions: Eating “nutritious” foods–those dense in vitamins, minerals with a lot of nutrient bang for caloric buck–is impossible for me without gagging. I can’t do it. Nope. Nothing doing. At least not as a general rule. I can’t eat salad or steamed veggies to save my life. I really can’t do it. I grimace involuntarily at even the *smell* of a stray piece of lettuce on a snack wrap at McDonalds ordered “sans” anything green on it.
An exception: I can eat my husband’s fresh, home-made salsa…by the spoonfuls! My mom never made fresh salsa. So, she never beat the tar out of me for *not* eating it. She never literally shoved it down my throat. She never greeted me the next morning with it and declared I couldn’t have any other food until I had eaten it like she did with the peas…cold…shriveled, the asparagus…withered, limp, or the green beans…
Is it any wonder I took to sneaking food? And yet the behaviors that I learned as a child, before I had obvious conviction of sin and God’s saving grace, became spiritual strongholds as an adult. Behaviors that had helped me to cope when I didn’t know what else to do…as an adult they stood in the way of coping.
I wish I could say the freedom that I write about here at the blog after ten years of exposure to Thin Within includes enjoyment of foods that are wholesome and beneficial. In fact, I would love to be able to snack on carrots and apples and other yummy foods that God created to be enjoyed.
But the truth is, I can’t, I won’t, I don’t even bother trying any more.
Once upon a time, I prayerfully stood over my kitchen sink and begged God to enable me to defeat this. With tears, I begged him to infuse me with tastebuds that LOVED a carrot…and as I took a bite, in faith, that THIS time would be different, the gag happened and I ended up feeling traumatized, a flashback to when I was 8 years old. Only this time, traumatized at my own hand. And I wondered why God didn’t answer “yes” to a prayer that seemed soooo according to his will. :-/
I have worked through a truckload of forgiveness of my parents–including my mom for this very thing. I don’t feel bitter about it. But it is a part of what I deal with, still, today, now, and it follows me everywhere.
The reason I bring all of this up today is because Mother’s Day is painful for me, so, I wonder if Mother’s Day is painful for any of you. Is it true for any of you that Mother’s Day isn’t the perky positive rosey flowers and chocolate event that Hallmark and Dayspring have us wanting to believe it is? In church, when people stand up to give verbal testimony to their moms, I always feel so…well…unchristian for not finding something to say that elevates my mom to appropriate levels of esteem in the eyes of my friends.
God has used my heartaches, trials, and, even, the abuse for my spiritual formation. I am desperate for him, largely because she was so wrong. While I must own my sinful choices now, I also acknowledge that my eating issues are directly related to the way my mom chose to treat me. My eating issues keep me ever always dependent on him, clinging to him like the hemorrhaging woman in the dirt. If only for a touch of the hem of his robe…if only to experience him, his power…and to be healed.
Apart from this weakness–which really is a product of a Mom with her own issues getting in the way of handling a young, strong-willed daughter–might I be even more independent, even more arrogant, even more resistant to hear his voice in the whisper?
God redeems. I have no doubt of this in my mind.
Yet, Mother’s Day is painful for me. I won’t blog a post saying otherwise. I wish I could. But I can’t.
So, how about you? Is Mother’s Day hard for you? Is there some way in which God may want to redeem the challenges you face today, perhaps due to a very human, fallible mother years ago? Will you let him?
More on that in Part 2…
Heidi,I am so sorry for your pain and what you endured as a child. My story is different, but I CAN relate. My mother was bipolar. She was not abusive, but she was not emotionally available. She was not dependable. It's a long, complicated story that started with her own very damaged childhood. But suffice it to say, I never had the mother-daughter relationship I longed for. And then she died 7 years ago and I had to accept we never would have that on earth. I have let go of a lot of my resentment, but it is still an ongoing process to let go of the hurt. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
Heidi,I am so sorry for your pain and what you endured as a child. My story is different, but I CAN relate. My mother was bipolar. She was not abusive, but she was not emotionally available. She was not dependable. It's a long, complicated story that started with her own very damaged childhood. But suffice it to say, I never had the mother-daughter relationship I longed for. And then she died 7 years ago and I had to accept we never would have that on earth. I have let go of a lot of my resentment, but it is still an ongoing process to let go of the hurt. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
Hi, Melinda. Thank you. I can relate to what you share…except my mom is still alive. You are so right! It IS an ongoing process to continue to forgive, to continue to walk in releasing unmet needs to the Lord certainly. Lord, please be with Melinda today, I pray, and others who find pain in Mother's Day. May we know you as our divine parent. Somehow I don't think you mind us relating to you this way, too…Lord, please help us to be quieted by your love and to hear you delight over us with singing. May this day be an expression of the redemption that Jesus purchased. In Him I ask, Amen.
Hi, Melinda. Thank you. I can relate to what you share…except my mom is still alive. You are so right! It IS an ongoing process to continue to forgive, to continue to walk in releasing unmet needs to the Lord certainly. Lord, please be with Melinda today, I pray, and others who find pain in Mother's Day. May we know you as our divine parent. Somehow I don't think you mind us relating to you this way, too…Lord, please help us to be quieted by your love and to hear you delight over us with singing. May this day be an expression of the redemption that Jesus purchased. In Him I ask, Amen.
Heidi,I am so glad our paths have crossed. I have difficult Mother's days as well for different reasons. My mother died when I was 4 years old. My father never re-married. He was an alcoholic and non-believer. Now at 42 years of age, I have no children. I take each Mother's day one year at a time. This year seem to be best from the rest. I do believe it has to do with where I am with Thin Again and Thin Within Principals. Healing has been taking place. I am so sorry for the memories and flashbacks you experience with vegetables. I am praying with you for them to cease. It is possible. My sexual abuse flashbacks have stopped just a few months ago. I was at my wits end. I ask God, "What am I to do?". In a middle of a game I was playing with friends and husband, the Spirit spoke to me about being thankful. I began to give thanks for each flashback, even though they were NOT thankful times. I learned to be thankful for those flashbacks have shaped me into the person God wants me to be today. As you know the verse in Romans 8:28. He turns all things into good for those who trust in Him. Well as I began to thank Him each time, the flashbacks and memories became less and less unto nothing as of now. I pray for no return. All my transformation is not easy as it is easy to write. The transformation part is a horrendous process of changing within. In the end, change is so worth it for Him and me. Thanks for blogging about Ethel's book. I bought one it is so good. :o) Praying for you, Hope
Heidi,I am so glad our paths have crossed. I have difficult Mother's days as well for different reasons. My mother died when I was 4 years old. My father never re-married. He was an alcoholic and non-believer. Now at 42 years of age, I have no children. I take each Mother's day one year at a time. This year seem to be best from the rest. I do believe it has to do with where I am with Thin Again and Thin Within Principals. Healing has been taking place. I am so sorry for the memories and flashbacks you experience with vegetables. I am praying with you for them to cease. It is possible. My sexual abuse flashbacks have stopped just a few months ago. I was at my wits end. I ask God, "What am I to do?". In a middle of a game I was playing with friends and husband, the Spirit spoke to me about being thankful. I began to give thanks for each flashback, even though they were NOT thankful times. I learned to be thankful for those flashbacks have shaped me into the person God wants me to be today. As you know the verse in Romans 8:28. He turns all things into good for those who trust in Him. Well as I began to thank Him each time, the flashbacks and memories became less and less unto nothing as of now. I pray for no return. All my transformation is not easy as it is easy to write. The transformation part is a horrendous process of changing within. In the end, change is so worth it for Him and me. Thanks for blogging about Ethel's book. I bought one it is so good. :o) Praying for you, Hope
Hi, Hope. I am so glad that you bought a copy of Ethel's book and that it is ministering to you! That encourages me so much! Thanks for your prayers as well. I really appreciate it. What a great approach to flashbacks. You know, I think you have something here. God is God even over flashbacks. Perhaps he gives us those so that we can continue our healing. That makes so much sense to my heart. Thank you for that wisdom.
Hi, Hope. I am so glad that you bought a copy of Ethel's book and that it is ministering to you! That encourages me so much! Thanks for your prayers as well. I really appreciate it. What a great approach to flashbacks. You know, I think you have something here. God is God even over flashbacks. Perhaps he gives us those so that we can continue our healing. That makes so much sense to my heart. Thank you for that wisdom.
Though I did not endure the abuse spoken of here, I did suffer very hurtful comments as a young girl that greatly affected my self esteem. Discussions like this remind me to examine my own parenting and to seek God's grace in speaking words of life to my children. How I need the wisdom of our perfect Father in correcting and training my daughter! My sons are grown, and I think back to the mistakes we made with them and wish we could do some things over. I pray the mistakes we made with them the Lord will redeem and help them forgive us for. Even as Christian parents who seek to parent according to God's Word make mistakes. I'm thankful His blood covers all our mistakes.
Though I did not endure the abuse spoken of here, I did suffer very hurtful comments as a young girl that greatly affected my self esteem. Discussions like this remind me to examine my own parenting and to seek God's grace in speaking words of life to my children. How I need the wisdom of our perfect Father in correcting and training my daughter! My sons are grown, and I think back to the mistakes we made with them and wish we could do some things over. I pray the mistakes we made with them the Lord will redeem and help them forgive us for. Even as Christian parents who seek to parent according to God's Word make mistakes. I'm thankful His blood covers all our mistakes.
Oh, yes, Kim! Me, too!
Oh, yes, Kim! Me, too!
Heidi, I just found your blog. I did thin within about 8 years ago. I lost about 20 pounds and was so excited to be free of food controlling me. Unfortunately, it didn't stick and many diets and many pounds have gone by since then. My heart goes out to you about your Mom, although I don't know the whole story I've only read the Memories of Mom Part 1 I usually don't comment on blogs but feel led to comment to you. You know that you can't change what happened in the past. I have a Mother that when I was growing up never told me she loved me. It has only been in recent years that she can say that to me. To make a long story short many things happened to get us to that point. I wasn't sure that I loved my Mother I knew that we were not close and was terrified when I had a daughter of my own. I can remember when I started my period as a 12 year old I was so afraid to tell my Mother and when I did she told me very harshly that I needed to quit that crying and handed me a product and said here use this. No compassion at all in her voice. I was so afraid that I could not be a good mother but for 36 years I have had a wonderful daughter that tells me that she loves me all the times as I tell her often too. God blessed me with such a loving daughter. I can truly say that I love my Mother now but she is not who she use to be. Please don't let the past rob you of what memories you are making now. I am 57 years old now and I only lived with my Mother 18 years….the last 39 years I had control on making new memories. I hope next Mother's Day you will have created some new memories that you can focus on that will over time fade the old ones that keep bringing you so much pain. One of my favorite verses is (Proverbs 3:5)Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, many times I have to repeat this over and over when I don't understand why things happen as they do.Thank you for sharing yourself and giving hope with this food battle. I am searching and do not want to diet anymore.
Heidi, I just found your blog. I did thin within about 8 years ago. I lost about 20 pounds and was so excited to be free of food controlling me. Unfortunately, it didn't stick and many diets and many pounds have gone by since then. My heart goes out to you about your Mom, although I don't know the whole story I've only read the Memories of Mom Part 1 I usually don't comment on blogs but feel led to comment to you. You know that you can't change what happened in the past. I have a Mother that when I was growing up never told me she loved me. It has only been in recent years that she can say that to me. To make a long story short many things happened to get us to that point. I wasn't sure that I loved my Mother I knew that we were not close and was terrified when I had a daughter of my own. I can remember when I started my period as a 12 year old I was so afraid to tell my Mother and when I did she told me very harshly that I needed to quit that crying and handed me a product and said here use this. No compassion at all in her voice. I was so afraid that I could not be a good mother but for 36 years I have had a wonderful daughter that tells me that she loves me all the times as I tell her often too. God blessed me with such a loving daughter. I can truly say that I love my Mother now but she is not who she use to be. Please don't let the past rob you of what memories you are making now. I am 57 years old now and I only lived with my Mother 18 years….the last 39 years I had control on making new memories. I hope next Mother's Day you will have created some new memories that you can focus on that will over time fade the old ones that keep bringing you so much pain. One of my favorite verses is (Proverbs 3:5)Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, many times I have to repeat this over and over when I don't understand why things happen as they do.Thank you for sharing yourself and giving hope with this food battle. I am searching and do not want to diet anymore.
Heidi, I just found your blog. I did thin within about 8 years ago. I lost about 20 pounds and was so excited to be free of food controlling me. Unfortunately, it didn't stick and many diets and many pounds have gone by since then. My heart goes out to you about your Mom, although I don't know the whole story I've only read the Memories of Mom Part 1 I usually don't comment on blogs but feel led to comment to you. You know that you can't change what happened in the past. I have a Mother that when I was growing up never told me she loved me. It has only been in recent years that she can say that to me. To make a long story short many things happened to get us to that point. I wasn't sure that I loved my Mother I knew that we were not close and was terrified when I had a daughter of my own. I can remember when I started my period as a 12 year old I was so afraid to tell my Mother and when I did she told me very harshly that I needed to quit that crying and handed me a product and said here use this. No compassion at all in her voice. I was so afraid that I could not be a good mother but for 36 years I have had a wonderful daughter that tells me that she loves me all the times as I tell her often too. God blessed me with such a loving daughter. I can truly say that I love my Mother now but she is not who she use to be. Please don't let the past rob you of what memories you are making now. I am 57 years old now and I only lived with my Mother 18 years….the last 39 years I had control on making new memories. I hope next Mother's Day you will have created some new memories that you can focus on that will over time fade the old ones that keep bringing you so much pain. One of my favorite verses is (Proverbs 3:5)Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, many times I have to repeat this over and over when I don't understand why things happen as they do.Thank you for sharing yourself and giving hope with this food battle. I am searching and do not want to diet anymore.
Heidi, I just found your blog. I did thin within about 8 years ago. I lost about 20 pounds and was so excited to be free of food controlling me. Unfortunately, it didn't stick and many diets and many pounds have gone by since then. My heart goes out to you about your Mom, although I don't know the whole story I've only read the Memories of Mom Part 1 I usually don't comment on blogs but feel led to comment to you. You know that you can't change what happened in the past. I have a Mother that when I was growing up never told me she loved me. It has only been in recent years that she can say that to me. To make a long story short many things happened to get us to that point. I wasn't sure that I loved my Mother I knew that we were not close and was terrified when I had a daughter of my own. I can remember when I started my period as a 12 year old I was so afraid to tell my Mother and when I did she told me very harshly that I needed to quit that crying and handed me a product and said here use this. No compassion at all in her voice. I was so afraid that I could not be a good mother but for 36 years I have had a wonderful daughter that tells me that she loves me all the times as I tell her often too. God blessed me with such a loving daughter. I can truly say that I love my Mother now but she is not who she use to be. Please don't let the past rob you of what memories you are making now. I am 57 years old now and I only lived with my Mother 18 years….the last 39 years I had control on making new memories. I hope next Mother's Day you will have created some new memories that you can focus on that will over time fade the old ones that keep bringing you so much pain. One of my favorite verses is (Proverbs 3:5)Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, many times I have to repeat this over and over when I don't understand why things happen as they do.Thank you for sharing yourself and giving hope with this food battle. I am searching and do not want to diet anymore.
Hi, Sandy. The Lord has redeemed many years the locusts have eaten. In fact, I can actually enjoy my mom now. And I have an amazing daughter that is a blessing to my heart. God has used my mom's weaknesses (and my dad's weaknesses, too) to form me spiritually…there has been a lot of work done in me to forgive and to release the unmet needs of my life to him. He is faithful. When I look to him there really is NO deficit! Thanks for posting! 🙂
Hi, Sandy. The Lord has redeemed many years the locusts have eaten. In fact, I can actually enjoy my mom now. And I have an amazing daughter that is a blessing to my heart. God has used my mom's weaknesses (and my dad's weaknesses, too) to form me spiritually…there has been a lot of work done in me to forgive and to release the unmet needs of my life to him. He is faithful. When I look to him there really is NO deficit! Thanks for posting! 🙂