I have been working through my lesson this week in the Thin Within workbook. I am a part of an online support group led by dear Pam Sneed that meets on Mondays. We are on week 8 I believe it is. It is so ironic that years ago, I wrote the first release of this material. It is still so fresh and new to me. Familiar, yes….but whether it is all the skilled hands since my initial writing that have made it fresh and new, or simply the Holy Spirit quickening it to my heart, it is amazing to me.
Today, day three, of the week eight, was from the Lord for me. With the increased convictions in my heart regarding developing an ability to make healthier choices with my eating, I have begun to realize that I will need to get some professional help. I want someone who is godly–a Christian is a must–but someone who is experienced with this sort of thing.
It dawned on me that years ago, when my husband and I were not yet married, we met a man who is a psychologist. As part of our pre-marriage counseling with the pastor who married us, we had to have an evaluation done by this psychologist. I can’t remember why, but it had come up that I had these issues with foods due to abuse at the dinner table and focused on foods my parents wanted me to eat. At the time, I remember him saying something that led me to believe he would like to help me with it.
So now, 23 or so years after meeting that psychologist, I remember that conversation and looked him up on the web. I may call him today and set up an appointment.
I have such overwhelming fear about this. You see, I can’t even *get* to the taste of these foods because the smells and sight of the foods cause such an overwhelming response. I know it is the memories associated with it. But you would think I could cope with putting a small bite in my mouth. I associate tasting things with abuse, I guess. So I suppose it makes sense. Anyhow, I fear even trying to do this on my own. The darkness that seems to shroud the possibilities…yikes. I just can’t go there.
Yet fear can be an idol, too. If I allow fear to dictate what I will or won’t do, am I not actually allowing fear the role that only God should have in my life?
These thoughts were all on my mind as I woke up this morning and turned to my Thin Within bible study that was on Gideon. The very first things that I am asked in this lesson, based on Judges 6:11-16 are:
- How did Gideon’s location conflict with God’s declaration to Him?
God called Gideon a mighty warrior. Yet he was hiding in a winepress because of the Midianites that were destroying all that the Israelites sought to make, build, create. Gideon was fearful…hiding…and yet God called him “Mighty Warrior.” Hmm…. Then I was asked:
- Are you “hiding out in a winepress,” living in fear based on our external circumstances?
Wow. That hit the nail on the head. If I don’t call this psychologist…if I just let this blow by and try not to follow my convictions…I will be doing precisely that. It is what I have done all these years.
- From where was Gideon’s strength to come? How was Gideon tempted to respond? Reflect on your own powerlessness and helplessness in the area of eating and losing weight. But don’t stay there! Lay this down before the Lord so that you will experience all he has given you…
This, again, sure hits the nail on the head. God isn’t asking me to look at the mountain that the former abuse represents in my life. He isn’t asking me scale that mountain. He is only asking me to go in the strength that I have now. Can I pick up the phone and call this doctor? Yes. Good, then that is the strength I have and I am to do that. Taking one step at a time in humble obedience (key is actually on humble for me as it is almost impossible to be disobedient if I am humble and impossible to be obedient if I am prideful).
The Lord goes on to answer all of Gideon’s objections by saying in verse 16, “I will be with you and you will strike down all the Midianites together.”
What an amazing series of events. Gideon was hiding in a winepress, afraid of even being seen. God calls him a mighty warrior. God then tells him to go in what little strength he has and that because God is with him all the foes will be vanquished.
Sounds pretty personal for me today.
Thank you, Lord.