I have spent some time with the Lord looking at the questions I have posed here at the blog for anyone who wants to participate. Gosh, these are hard questions! 🙂
I asked the Lord to show me my heart… “What is it I want, Lord?” I know that he knows my heart better than I do. I waited for him to open my eyes to see what is there. “FREEDOM” is the word that first jumped to the surface…but that almost seems self-generated. True, yes, but I am not sure it is at the heart of what I want…or of what he wants for me as I go through this book…again. I want to release my grip on ANY stronghold–sweet foods, sweet drinks, horse time to be sane, internet time–ANYthing that controls me in ANY way at all…except, of course, for HIM.
I guess I hope to be even MORE “incidental” about food or drink. I want NOT to be owned by my taste buds or an “I deserve this” mentality…EVER. I want true humility…not pride that says, “I deserve this.”
In fact, I think what I really want is to be GOD focused. When I look at any of the things in my life that cause me pain or struggle–sin or strongholds–the root is I believe a lie that serving self is more rewarding than focusing on and serving God. I want to leave that mentality behind. If I could allow the Lord to flood my vision, I would stop grasping for recognition, “respect,” honor, food that isn’t needed, sweet beverages, etc…I would take a posture of humility before the Lord.
A big work that God is currently doing is bringing me to a point of being ok in my own skin, no matter what size the body it covers. 🙂 That is not to say that I will allow my appetites and fleshly lusts to direct me into the sin of overeating. No..not at all. But it means that–without a bathroom scale to “tell” me whether I am acceptable or not–I am ok about the size that I am…To quote Yoda again (we don’t even watch Star Wars!) “Size matters not.” It really doesn’t matter. What matters is WHY I am the size I am. Am I the size I am because my heart belongs to God? Or am I the size I am because I lust for food and indulge those lusts? It is funny…when I ask these questions the size part seems so…almost silly. This isn’t about me at all. It is about the fact that he bought me at such a high price. The precious blood of Jesus Christ. I am his…*am* I? Do I LIVE like I am?
Relative to my physical body, I do want to develop a godly approach to fitness because this body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I hope to learn what 0 to 5 exercising is. I have been sedentary before. I have been an obsessive exerciser before. Neither honors God. So I want to move my body with joy and without fixating on me. Somehow, moving my body is another expression of the fact that I belong to him. I want to do the best I can to honor God with my physical body without sacrificing my heart. This will be a challenge for me, but I sense God calling me to it. This will be a new thing.
So, what am I willing to do, say, give, be in order to experience these things?
This is one of those things that my horse is teaching me. As I ask the Lord what the answer to this question is, he says lovingly, simply, “Release it all to me…” or “Trust me.”
A few years ago, I was not doing well with two of my horses. It seemed like every time I got on one of them I was having an accident of some kind. (I know now that I could have avoided this if I had gotten them to a better place where they felt good inside about things…but i didn’t know that at the time.) After Harley went to training with a great trainer who worked with me as well, it was time for me to ride him. He was sided up next to the side of the round pen fence rail. I climbed up on the fence rail…took some deep breaths. My trainer held on to Harley’s halter. It was my job to sit myself on him…totally. I settled my bum in the saddle carefully, nestled my feet “just so” in the stirrups…and tried to remember to breathe some more. My trainer looked at me with a big grin and asked me if I was going to let go of the fence rail. I didn’t even realize that I had a death grip on it. Something inside of me couldn’t trust myself completely to Harley’s care…I was afraid of what would happen.
While God is so much more reliable than a horse who has fear issues with a rider with fear issues, I do feel in some ways like he isn’t “predictable.” In some ways, trusting the Lord ends up being like trusting Harley…thus, God uses my horses to teach me so much. He is so much more reliable, loving and trustworthy…Right now, I know there is a lot I have to trust to the Lord. This leg of my journey will be “notching things up” a bit. I need to “let go of the fence rail” and trust all that I am to the Lord to carry me…wherever he sees fit in the manner he sees fit. Yikes!
I guess these sort of describe my “point of departure” and what I hope for along this journey as well.
See you all tomorrow. It begins!