…for we have made a lie our refuge
and falsehood our hiding place.
One of my most difficult challenges over the years–the years of my ever-escalating weight and even the six years of being at a healthy size–has been when my husband goes out of town. I have spent lots of time journaling, praying, and pouring out my heart to God about this particular struggle. But deeper, darker, root issues aside, the bottom line is, while it isn’t as big a challenge as it once was, I have habitually turned to ice cream…lots of it…to make myself less lonely, less sad…less…less…well…less whatever. I have turned consistently over the years to the lie that food was what I needed in those moments. I really have, over the years, made the lie my refuge and falsehood my hiding place.
But it hasn’t stopped there. As we discussed in our online class yesterday as we addressed David’s cover-up of his adulterous affair with Bathsheba, during those times when my husband has been out of town and he knew there was ice cream in the house…if I didn’t “cover my tracks,” I knew I would be busted. If he knew we had a half gallon of ice cream when he left and I ate my way through most of it, I simply couldn’t have him discover the evidence of my gluttony…so I had to finish it off and go buy a new half gallon so that it would appear that I had been virtuous while he was gone–as if I had abstained completely from ice cream. Or be sure I bought some after he left and finish it before he returned. I knew he wouldn’t ask me about it, so it wasn’t like a downright lie, but it was definitely making a falsehood my hiding place.
The other really weird piece to this is, it isn’t like my husband has ever been my food cop. He never has acted disapproving of my weight or my eating, but has always been affirming and loving (or at least that is how I remember our history together). I think I have projected my upbringing…the upbringing of living in a home where I DID sneak food and DID live a lie about food … all over onto my relationship with my husband now. Does that make sense? What this does is make this “refuge” and “hiding place” thing even more of a lie and falsehood than it already was.
It gets complicated sometimes, but that’s the way it is about lies. I am convinced that if things (like explanations for why I do what I do) are complicated, it might be a good indicator that there is a BIG lie at the heart of it. God’s TRUTH is simpler. Easy to swallow? No. Not necessarily. But definitely simpler. That’s the thing about truth…it is so much simpler.
As I have looked at this history with ice cream, my justification/entitlement eating, and the downright deception that I have woven to protect the “precious,” it sickens me. I am so thankful for a loving, gracious, kind, merciful God who waits to show me compassion.
Thoughts to Consider:
1. Does my story resonate with you? Can you identify in some way with the lie being a refuge for you or falsehood being a hiding place? Take some time to journal about it.
2. What is the TRUTH? I want to take the lies that I tell myself and replace them with God’s truth. Will you do this with me? For me, I will create a truth card about these things:
- What is the truth about my husband’s trips away from home? If something happens to him, what then? (Contrary to what I have thought, I know I will survive!)
- What is the truth about my security in Christ?
- What is the truth about where my greatest protection and comfort is found?
- What is the truth about ice cream? (Yes, I even include the truth that ice cream tastes good…I wouldn’t hide myself in it if it wasn’t pleasant! We don’t need to fear the truths that are also favorable about our lies/falsehoods! But including ALL the truth is important!)
3. I want to sit with the Lord and ask him what the root of this is. What I mean is what makes me feel like running away, hiding away, escaping in the first place? What is GOD’s solution to this? He wants to be my hiding place, but what will that look like? You may want to ask yourself these questions, too, if my admission reminds you of yourself in some way.
Our God is faithful!
I can relate with the story and have done the same with replacing the food as though nothing has ever happened. As though the food had not been touched, going out and buying what ever it was or buying double of the fast food eating one before I got home usually on the way, and bringing the other two home to myself and my husband as though that is all I ever ordered.. I have felt that I have had some people from my past abandone me are not treat me fairly and disregard me. However, I know that God has not done that to me! I continue to try to remind myself that he is with me and he will fill up that emotional hurt that I’m trying to fill up on with food. Thank you for admitting this openly. I believe there are so many others of us out here. This is a struggle for many ( I believe). Thank you for being transparent. God Bless!
Thanks for your admission, Tamara. I appreciate it. Yes, you are so right! God is GOOD. I have been struggling with the abandonment thing. For me, this is where entitlement lurks. It is like I feel I am ENTITLED *not* to be abandoned, but if my Lord was…well…shoot. There it is again. Do I really want to insist that I get better treatment than Jesus did? Yikes! Thanks so much for posting, Tamara. It was great having you in class yesterday, too! Thanks for carving out time to be there!
Heidi, I loved the online class yesterday! What a blessing it is to go through the Word together and share our struggles and how we overcome them. Just wish I could have been there for the other ones. Before when I’ve tried to lose weight I have not really filled my husband in on it, only if I was counting points or carbs. But yesterday I was so excited after the class that I think I talked his leg off! 🙂 Thanks for the advise on the book “Raising fit kids in a fat world”! I ordered it on my kindle so am already reading it. Hopefully it will help us as we really want to keep our special girl fit and healthy. I also wanted to share with you that I have done the exact same thing with ice cream. And my husband has also never been anything but supportive, but I still felt like I had to cover up and hide what I was doing. I am so excited about the grace oriented approach to eating and am really loving your posts and the class! I have the Thin Within workbook and book, so have lots of reading and studying to do—good thing I’m on school break! God bless you and thanks for being here.
Hi, Mary Anne. It was GREAT to have you in class and when you shared what you pulled from the passage, I felt transported right up into heaven! LOL! I am so glad that you were enthused enough to want to share with hubby. I am eager to hear how the Fit Kids book ministers to you with your special girl. 🙂 Thanks for your encouragement. 🙂
Great post! Thanks for sharing your heart and struggles! I long for the day when none of us will feel that pull towards food instead of God. I have found if it isn’t food calling to me it is some other lust of the flesh…so until we are out of these earthly tents…we will struggle..but God is so faithful….when we seek him…we find Him because He is always there. Food has been my refuge at night….I need to come up with evening action plan…I think mine stems from being married but alone a lot….longing for companionship and coming up empty and instead of feeling that loneliness…I numb out with whatever I can find to eat…..I need to write out some truth cards on this
Heidi. I’m not responding to this entry yet but I have to thank you for this week’s class. Wow!! I just finished listening and I was so sad when it ended! The Praise Feast/fest brought tears to my eyes and the lesson was great. I so needed this week’s lesson. I took so much away from the class but esp
1) we don’t usually just fall into sin. There are decision points along the way.
2) re #1 ….remember to take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. Test the thoughts.
3) continue my God list and have Praise Feasts often – esp in temptation
4) continue my gratitude list – I have not been doing this much.
While breaking free of our chains and renewing our minds can be such a process and does requires effort, it is also so simple. Turn our eyes and hearts to God – praise Him, thank Him, adore Him and obey Him (including in the the way He made our bodies to sense hunger).
I am ready to step out of my recent rebellion and turn to Him. Thanks for your constant support and inspiration Heidi.