On the Thin Within forums, often there will be a post from one member or another asking the question, “What is WRONG with me?” Generally, what follows is a lament about how they know that eating more than they need will keep them in a place they don’t want to be–physically, spiritually, emotionally–yet they keep gravitating to the same behaviors of overeating. They are struggling with understanding why they keep sabotaging themselves.
It is my turn to ask this question…so what IS wrong with me? Yes, I know I have a SIN nature. No amount of “obedience” will change that fact…I have, inside of myself, a tendency toward sin, toward rebellion, toward rejecting the ways of God and what I know is best.
BUT…and this is HUGE…I have been given EVERYTHING I need for life and godliness as well. I am equipped.
I wrote just last week about how I had returned to surrendering my eating to the Lord. Now I am back in That Place again of NOT. And with a vengance! I got on the scale today to see how much damage I do in a week (or less) of rebellious choices. It is up 5 or 6 pounds again! Isn’t that amazing? I mean, I literally can “release” or gain 5 pounds in a week’s time. Something is BIZARRE with that!
I do *not* want to live my life on this pendulum.
So what has the issue been this week? Translation: What ever will I blame it on NOW?
I think at the heart of it is this:
“I want to do what I darn well please…PERIOD.”
You see, if someone seems to block my goal…whatever my goal may be…I come out both barrels blazing with an attitude. It can be the horse with his feet. It can be a friend who has hurt me. It can be the clock allowing the hours to pass too quickly. If *I* don’t have *my* way, then I get an attitude and it *always* translates to: “Well, then, if I can’t have my way about *that*, then I WILL have my way about FOOD! SO THERE!”
What a spoiled baby. Seriously…I have very little grace to extend to myself when I look at it this way. “OH GROW UP, Heidi!”
This road we travel as followers of Christ is *about* dying to self. It is about living the crucified life (talk about an oxymoron!). It is about one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time, being willing in the strength God provides (and he provides it, I know) to say NO to self and YES to God. It is about laying myself on the altar and being a LIVING sacrifice (Romans 12:1-2).
The enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. He will not have me.
Even as early as Genesis 4 in human history, man was called to CHOOSE God, to CHOOSE to say no to self and no to sin. From Genesis 4:6-7:
Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”
The imagery of sin “crouching” at the door reminds me of the passage in 1 Peter about Satan being like a prowling lion, seeking someone to devour.
I consider someone *else* though, who is at the door of my life: (Jesus speaking) Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. (Revelation 3:19,20)
So, sin is at my door, but so is the Lord. Sin desires to have me…to devour me. The Lord desires to fellowship with me. What a contrast.
So what is wrong with me?
I keep throwing the door open to the wrong one. I won’t today. Actually, I will take THIS moment captive for the Lord. THIS moment, I will choose to open the door to my Savior who wants to be present with me and fellowship with me (and *eat* with me!).