Well, this is ridiculous. I am feeling flat out sorry for myself and there is chocolate everywhere. So am I living in the freedom that God has shown me for the past however many months? No. Instead, I am eating it…without much care given to a “soft heart” or 0 or 5 or whatever else.

I have bronchitis (and a fever tonight), poison oak that I seem to have gotten from the dog being out in the backyard (hubby removed it all today), and to add insult to injury some of the ulcer meds aren’t being covered by my insurance. Good grief! I am just flat out complaining tonight!

I know that God wants my thoughts…he showed me with horses last weekend what he wants for me. He showed me this week in a very practical way, too. I am acting like I don’t learn so well, though. It is like the lessons he works on with me aren’t “sticking.” What is up with that?

Well, enough of that.

Yes, I love the triple chocolate cake, the Ben and Jerry’s….and yada yada….I keep meaning well. Helloo???? I have been practicing a hard heart so it sure seems like that is what I am creating. Practice makes perfect. Bah humbug!

Time to observe and correct. Confess and repent.

Yes, I am a BIG SWEET A-HOLIC, but I thought I was done with that forever. Nope. Apparently, not so.

You know, someone once warned me that walking in victory, we are just moments away at any time from slipping back into our old ways. A little pride, a little apathy, a little decision to choose our own way and presto…I could wake up 70 pounds heavier again wondering what happened and how did I get here? Been there, done that!

NO WAY. I choose NOT to let that happen.

One lesson the Lord has been trying to show me…fear is the opposite of faith. This is an interesting concept to me…Beth Moore brought it to the forefront in my Living Beyond Yourself bible study and my horse showed me how true it is in practice. When I am fearful of Harley (my horse) and how he might act, I can’t act in faith. Acting in faith with him brings confidence that, as I remain steady for him, he will have a change in thought and action…and be ok about things when he is with me–calmer, happier. When I stay steady in faith as I work with him, being certain of what I hope for and confident of what I do not yet see, I keep with things and there *will* be a change for the better…I can’t be fearful in that situation. Given fear has eroded my horsemanship over the past 2 years, this is profound to me!

But this is true in my Thin Within walk, too. I have wondered if I should shoot for releasing another 10 pounds or not. Or, because I like multiples of 5, another 11 (bringing my total released to 75). That has such a nice sound to it….but there is pride again. What if God doesn’t want that for me? (I wonder if my desire is “faith based” or “fear based!”)

I can tell pride has a hold of me not only because of my crazy behavior with eating all the stuff, but also because I have been evaluating what the best “After” photo would look like. GAGAMAGGOT! Is that not PRIDE? Is that not ARROGANCE? God has exposed it and I will reject camping there. If he wants me to have a photo taken so people can compare and be encouraged, that is one thing and I trust he will make it evident. But for me to parade around like I am such a hot ticket…goodness. That is from the pit of hell. Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. No wonder I have found myself face first in the triple layer chocolate cake!!!! God wants me to see how easily I could return to where I was before HE rescued me! I must return to my gratitude blog…gratitude makes it next to impossible to be pride-full.

My thoughts are rambling tonight. I am sick…guess I said that already…

I need my bed I think.