I wonder…how do I–how do you–remember captivity?
In the bible study workbook No Other Gods, by Kelly Minter, I was reminded yesterday morning that it is ever so easy to remember the past (a theme of my blog entries) through rose-colored glasses.
— When I am disappointed that I am no longer hungry and need to stop eating in order to glorify God with my eating and drinking (and stopping the same!)…
–When I know I must “fast” this bite (these bites) to Him as a sacrifice of praise…
–Do I then, in turn, remember it this way: “I used to be able to eat all of that…”
Or, do I also remember the COST?
There *was* a cost to eating the way I did in the past!
Am I like the Israelites when they remembered Egypt: “We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost—also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic.”
They had selective memory. They glorified the past forgetting that they were miserable–mistreated and subjected to hard labor.
Do I have selective memory? Do I remember the high blood pressure, the shame, guilt, the fear that I would *die* of a heart attack or stroke? Do I remember the embarassment of not being able to sit in an airplane seat without my hips popping up the arm rests? Do I remember all the family vacations that I didn’t go on because doing *anything* was too embarassing, humiliating, or uncomfortable for me? Do I remember that the dentist wouldn’t even fill a cavity that needed filling because of his concern for my blood pressure even though I was taking medication to bring it down? Do I remember the concern I had for my horses–that, if I rode, I would make them uncomfortable or uncertain of their footing–to the point where I chose *not* to ride at all? Do I remember all the professional events associated with my husband’s job that I refused to attend at his side because of embarassment and feeling like a tent should I have happened to find a nice enough dress that fit to wear to the event?
Do I remember the conviction day in and day out…and the way I knew with all my heart that I was allowing my heart to harden, to become callused…because I refused to submit my appetites to the Lord?
Do I really remember accurately? The bondage, the captivity?
Or do I merely remember “the _______ I ate in Egypt at no cost…?”
Kelly challenged me in the bible study…and I invite God to never let me forget the truth of how I lived. It wasn’t freedom. Far from it. It wasn’t enjoyable…not even all the brownies and cheese enchiladas I could have possibly wanted (way outside of 0 to 5 eating!) could numb me to the pain of the existence I had settled for. It was *far* from the abundant life that the Lord died to give me!
Lord, let me not forget! Burn it in my mind that I might never glorify the past. It was captivity, it was bondage…it was horrible. Help me to look forward, to press on, to go further still for what you have yet in store. I praise you and trust you, Lord. Amen.