For many years (on and off), I have resisted going on an airplane.
The reason? Well…truthfully…my hips were wider than the seat. Not by much, but enough to cause the arm rests to “pop up” to make room for the relatively wide expanse of my backside. This has been humiliating for me…especially when seated next to anyone of relatively normal size…who would prefer not to share their seat with the hips of a total stranger.
In March, I am going to visit a dear friend of mine. The photograph on the left is from the first time we ever met…in 2000. I wasn’t even at my biggest (yet). The trip to see my dear friend requires a ride on an airplane. When the reservation was made, my conscious brain was able to say “No problem. No fear. Smaller hips. I can keep myself inside my own seat now. Yay!”
Today, however, as I was driving down the highway thinking of this trip yet another three weeks off, I had a random thought…it was a panicked thought. It was “Oh no! NOT an airplane!!!! What will I do about my HIPS!?!?!?!?!?”
It was like my brain failed in that moment to realize the new truth…that things have changed. My body isn’t the same as it was the last time I was humiliated by the mismatch of rear-to-seat on an airplane.
This isn’t the first time (nor will it be the last) that this has happened. For years, I have avoided looking at reflections in windows or mirrors. I didn’t want to see what was “growing” on my body. Avoidance was my preferred denial mechanism. There were times when I would accidentally catch a look and be aghast at what I had seen…”Where did all that…extra…erm…*body*…COME from???” It was devastating when that happened.
In the past six months or so when I have accidentally seen a reflection or even a shadow (like when I ride my horses) of myself…I have been shocked…It is like my brain STILL hasn’t adapted to being different. “Who is *that*???” It just seems so strange not to see a relatively LARGE HULKING MASS…Honestly…I guess for the months I was releasing weight, I avoided looking too because it is like I see it now and I don’t know how that happened! Where did 2/5ths of my body go?
Sometimes I wonder why the renewing of my mind through the Word of Truth isn’t changing this aspect of my thinking. Maybe it is more than I realize. Or maybe it is a reminder of where I have been…and God intends to allow it to assist me in being aware that, “But for the grace of God, there am I…”
There is a song by Point of Grace that soooo ministers to my heart. I wish I could (legally) put it here for you to hear them sing. Instead, please consider downloading it…pay the 99cents and download it from Christian Books. Please…you won’t regret it! If you have felt at all like me….
It is Heal the Wound and the link for the page at CBD to pay 99 cents to download it is here.
Then…please share with me in comments or something how God uses it to encourage you. God definitely has healed many wounds in my life…and has left scars showing just how merciful he is. It is a reminder of where he has brought me from…It does keep me on my knees…even though I am free.
Yes, Lord. I praise you for the scars that remind me of how merciful you are….even when my brain flips a switch and forgets and goes into “shame” mode…thank you that you have reminded me…you are the lifter of my head…and I need not be ashamed…Thank you.