by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 10, 2009 | Blog
Approval Addicts…
“…rarely expect to achieve anything or to feel good about themselves. Because they have failed in the past, they believe their present failures only show how worthless they really are. They often become extremely sad and stop trying because they fear more failure.” The Search For Significance Workbook, p. 26
I was so convinced that keeping the weight off was merely a “fluke” after all the years/times I lost weight only to regain it. The two months of indiscretion that resulted in this current weight gain merely confirmed the lie that I have embraced as truth–that I will always be fat and will always fail at keeping weight off. The shame and sense of failure has resulted in wanting to eat more–the fat machinery. (Journal, 2-05-09)
Practical things I now choose to do to combat some bad habits that have resurfaced and to also help me to be more conscious:
- Setting my timer for an afternoon quiet time…even if only a few minutes to be sure I am quiet before the Lord again.
- Renewed commitment to the Keys to Conscious Eating (called “The Principles for Weight Mastery” in the Get Thin Stay Thin book).
- Cutting my portions in half like I used to. Even if my portions seem small to me right now…if I am hungry again later, I can eat, but right now, I need to offer what I might normally eat as an offering to the Lord. I certainly won’t starve. Unlike others who have commented on the blog, I don’t mind eating smaller portions frequently if that is what it takes.
- Any time I eat, lingering a while with hunger to assess if it is truly physical hunger. Even if I put off eating for 5 minutes and sit still with the Lord about it…that can help me to see if this is really hunger or not.
- PUTTING THE SCALE out of the house. My clothes are a really good indicator to me right now if I wonder. I will be comfortable again in my Levis 🙂 if I release weight. But it isn’t like I don’t *know* if I am lying to myself about my eating. I know if I am eating according to hunger and satisfaction. I don’t need a scale to tell me and I don’t need even my clothes to tell me!
- Drinking only water. For years I drank diet soda…no calories and all that “great” taste. I can’t switch to sugared beverages and not expect it to have an effect. I am trying to develop my taste for water. This is hard for me! 🙂
These are the practical things that the Lord has led me to do.
But the things that are harder to measure…like “I will process what is really going on…” I will do that, too. This blog is part of that, my journal is, giving myself permission to make my quiet time include this stuff instead of just studying the scriptures (which I love to do)…These things are vital, too.
Under grace we have the freedom to err, knowing that we are always cleansed by the blood of Christ. This keeps us out of legalism and the distorted thinking that says, I must eat this; I can’t eat that; I did it right; I did it wrong; I was good; I was bad. Such thinking is part of the diet mentality that keeps us focused outward instead of inward, where the spiritual battle of disordered eating must be won. Get Thin Stay Thin p. 90
Some mistakenly think that TW teaches that we can sin all we want–that this is grace! This is NOT the case. The truth is that because of the amazing grace of the Lord, I want to respond in obedience. My salvation isn’t dependent on my obedience. It is unbiblical to think that it is. It is by grace I am saved, through faith and even *that* is a gift of God so that no one can boast!
But when I DO err, this very grace that brought salvation to me is available to me now as well…Like Joe Donaldson said recently on the TW forums, grace isn’t something that is a one time event for salvation. It is there moment-by-moment. God extends this grace freely to me–not that I might sin, but also that I might not wallow in self-condemnation! How self-indulgent it is to beat myself up! He calls me to lift my chin, lift my eyes, and move on! To allow His forgiveness, purchased on the cross of Christ with His broken body and spilled blood, to wash over me…
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 12, 2009 | Blog
Continuing to make my way through Get Thin Stay Thin, also known as Thin Again, and Silent Hunger…
Have you ever had to endure well-meaning friends or relatives say to you, “So why don’t you just eat less food?” Or “Can’t you just stop?” These clueless but loving folks don’t understand that there seems to be something else at work…something that almost seems compulsory. They don’t understand that things are misfiring and, at times, we seem to be controlled by food.
So how did this happen? How did we get to a point where the natural way we were born…to cry out for food when our stomachs were empty and to be pleasantly content when our stomachs had an appropriate amount of food in them…how did this process get derailed?
How DID we get to a point where our eating is/was so disordered?
In chapter one, the authors begin to wade into the deep answer to these questions. Connecting these current behaviors to experiences that we have had earlier in life, helps us to understand that we did the best we could at the time…and began to cope differently with life than the way we might have apart from the experiences that unfolded. We were beyond ourselves. For some of us, it may have happened when we were 6 and ridiculed by an older brother. For others, it may have been as a result of repeated deep trauma. And for still others, it may have happened later in life, when we were betrayed by our spouse or a dear friend.
Something, somewhere in our stories, triggered something in us that caused us to step out of God’s order…into survival mode.
“I felt unprotected and vulnerable and my feelings of self worth eroded.” GTST p. 21
This is the result of one story included in the book–one which I could identify with. Can you? As you look back over the past year, the past decade, your entire life have you ever felt unprotected and vulnerable? Who hasn’t? Is it possible that this is connected to the way you struggle with food, eating, or your body?
Personally, I felt very unprotected as a child–very vulnerable to being wounded by those who were supposed to cherish and protect me most. I see now that this set me up to head toward a way of coping that would fail miserably to ultimately serve me in the long haul. Nevertheless, it enabled me to survive those difficult adolescent years…
Facing the past and taking responsibility for the choices I make in the present have given me a new experience of freedom, both in my eating and in my relationships. GTST, p. 21
The authors don’t encourage us to blame our current difficulties on the past, certainly, but they do encourage us to have an honest look at our stories to see if there aren’t justifiable reasons that we may have been predisposed toward disordered eating. Many of us never intentionally headed down this road and yet here we find ourselves.
I believe that having this honest, yet challenging, look is vital to our permanent healing. I know it is for me.
Thin Within jarred me into the truth of what I had to risk to change my life. GTST p. 24
This is true of me as well. My first exposure to this material was when I was fresh out of Weigh Down Workshop. I realized for the first time that there was a LOT of emotional baggage that had set me up to have “issues.” I was going to have to risk a lot to change. I do now as well. I keep hoping that I can find a way to cut off this process…to find another way around, a short cut or something.
…as I stopped overeating and started praying, I began to accept God’s love and to know that he validates me just as I am…By being willing to experience my hunger I become more open to the joy and the pain in my life. With God’s help I am choosing to change old patterns, to trust myself, and to love and be loved. GTST, p. 24
AM I willing to feel hunger? I seem to begin the day where I am ok with this. Maybe it is because I also start the day filling up on the Bread of Life–spending time alone at the feet of Jesus. I am fully satisfied in him. I don’t mind waiting for hunger until I can “get around to” eating.
The more the day unfolds, however, the less I am willing to wait and to feel physical hunger. I wonder if, at some level, when the day gets going…and real life hits including the sense of inadequacy I sometimes feel…if I yet am relying on the old coping mechanisms?
And yet, what the person quoted in the book says is true: God validates me as I am…right now. NOT once “I have my act together.” I am so thankful that I know this truth to the depths of my heart. Sometimes I forget and get focused on performance-based living again, but it isn’t because I think I need to win God’s love…I know I don’t need to do that!
Being willing to allow God into this process all through the day is vital to my being able to be healed and renewed.
Willing to risk? Yes, I must be willing to risk that I will feel the emotional pain–the hunger–more fully, that I have, at some level–continued to numb with food and other things. But as I choose to offer myself to this process God will enable me to change, to trust, to grow. To become what he intends.
–> Are you? Are you willing to risk today? If you allow yourself to feel physical hunger it is possible, even likely, that you will experience your emotions to a greater degree. Are you willing to risk this? Are you willing to allow yourself to feel? You may also experience joy more than you have because, again, we can’t just numb ourselves to our pain and anger and disappointment. We also numb ourselves to joys, celebration, and hope. If you are willing, I want to encourage you…be ready to lean hard on the Lord. He will carry you through it. I know this from experience and, today, I choose to experience it first hand again. I am willing to risk today.
It has struck me afresh that for all of the things that he allows in my life, he has a divine purpose. He intends that the pain of living result in a holy purification, a transformation in me. Any time that I numb myself to the pain instead of going to Him to deal with it, I short-circuit his intention…leaving him with no other option than to bring yet another situation around that will cause me pain–that I might yet forsake the inappropriate coping mechanism and turn to him in fullness, experience HIS sufficiency and strength.
Transformation is at hand.
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 10, 2009 | Blog
Many of us use food to numb out. Or we use surfing the web or playing computer games…we turn to all manner of things when we don’t want to feel something.
Have you ever noticed that you can’t numb out JUST to pain, though? If you choose to numb out, you choose to be numb to joy (and other good things, too?). Similarly, if you want to avoid failure in life, you end up avoiding “success,” too, since the only way to avoid failure is not to do anything. To be honest, that, to me, IS failure. I want to LIVE. Jesus came that we might have life ABUNDANTLY! So enough with “just surviving” already! I don’t want to end the day like a Christian Eeyore saying, “Well…another day…I made it through…yippee…” (Said in the best Eeyore voice you can muster!)
This leg of the journey I know I must make a commitment. That I will NOT “numb out.” I know that the Lord has much he wants to accomplish.
In this part of the introduction of GTST, the authors highlight HOW we will get from point A to point Z? From broken–to restored. From ruins, to renovated by the Master Remodeler.
So how does this happen?
I must allow God to lead me to a place where I am:
- Free to risk – letting go of the past to live unencumbered in the present (1 Peter 1:6-7)
I am encumbered by my past. Are you? 10 years ago. 30 years ago. An hour ago. It all seems to define me NOW…This moment is new! I have a clean slate in this moment!
Hebrews 12 encourages me to toss off any sin that entangles and anything that encumbers. I don’t want my past to define me…that I am “an overeater” or any other label. I despise labels and how limiting they are. I throw THOSE off. I believe I have to throw off anything negative OR positive that may hinder me.
A big positive thing that sometimes hinders me is my connection with the Hallidays on the writing of the Thin Within book. What an incredible privilege that was, but with that association I feel this responsibility to BE perfect. To PERFORM! To BE the “Thin Within” poster child…That isn’t something the Lord demands of me. It is a burden I have chosen to carry. I choose to toss that off as well. He wants me to be authentic.
–> What encumbrances from your past hinder you in the present? How does this affect your eating? Your perception of your body?
- Free to change – being transformed from the inside out by the renewing of my mind. (Romans 12:2)
Barb Raveling, in her workbook, Freedom From Emotional Eating, describes “truth journaling,” a wonderfully practical way of distinguishing the lies I believe in the moment and replacing the lies with truth. As I go through the material in GTST, I know many lies I believe will surface. I must choose to replace them with truth. Sometimes, that which is familiar is hard to release–even if it is destructive. Familiarity seems so “warm” and “accepting.” I have a lot of familiar lies that I want to throw off. Yesterday really showed me that in vibrant living color!
–> Can you think of any lies that you believe? What truth may God want to replace these lies with? How does this affect your eating? Your perception of your body?
- Free to trust–Trusting God and the way He made me.
By trusting the signals of hunger and satisfaction…that my body was designed for these signals to be reliable by an amazing, masterful, good God…I have released all the extra weight I carried–100 pounds. When I continue to abide by those physical signals of hunger and satisfaction, my body stays at this “new” God-ordained size. When I don’t abide by those signals, I get larger than he intends. It is simple and reliable. I trust God with this. I have seen that it works.
But I DO have trouble trusting God about emotional things. As I wade back through some things that have surfaced recently (abandonment issues, for instance), I have to keep telling myself that God used the parents that he gave me to cause me to earnestly seek him. Their “mistakes” and sin were a part of my spiritual formation…my pursuit of a Heavenly Father. Developing my trust in God further will be part of this leg of my journey, I am sure.
–> Do you trust the Lord that he has made your body reliably? What can you do to foster greater trust in Him? What about with emotional issues? How does this affect your eating? Your perception of your body?
- Free to love – loving as Christ loves me.
Loving others can be painful. I guess it is that selective numbing thing again. If I choose not to love because I don’t want the pain that often seems to come with it, then I will miss out on the blessings, too. Often, it seems as though the pain is much more present than the blessings…
Right now, having come away from a challenging friendship that ended badly–someone who I hoped to encourage toward the cross of Christ–this is especially intimidating to me. Loving others…well…hurts. When I love, I give them the opportunity to wound me. I am vulnerable. I have a hard time with that.
–> Can you identity with being afraid to love? And how about being afraid to BE loved? How does this affect your eating? Your perception of your body?
Your silent hunger can be satisfied–with the true bread of life, our living God. GTST, p. 13.
What hope there is in these words–in this truth! The Lord’s Table workbook definitely was based on this premise. It is true. When I go to the Lord, I know that he is satisfying. Yesterday, as I drove home in my car through tears and battled my temptations to stop and get food or something to drink that would pacify me in some way…HE was there. He whispered His love to my heart…
If you are willing to listen to the voice of your silent hunger, you will find that God is present to soothe, satisfy and make you feel secure in ways that nothing of this world can. GTST, p. 13
This is so true. More than a Cherry Pepsi, more than a triple decadence chocolate cheesecake from the Deli, more than the best ride on my best horse under the most cerulean blue sky…God can soothe, satisfy and make me feel secure…nothing else does it like he can. Yesterday, had I turned to the cheesecake, I would have been numb to the pain for a while…Then, the hole in my heart would have been ripped open wider by going to a false comfort…the emptiness would have been more vast and deep.
Hunger is the doorway through which God enters our soul. He takes this place of greatest vulnerability and weakness and uses it to restore, satisfy, and sanctify us. GTST, p. 13
Wow…my greatest vulnerability and weakness? He can USE that? For this process? Wow…amazing. I continue to be astonished at how he takes our straw and spins it to gold like the “fairy tale,” only this one is true!
The message of the Introduction in summary I guess is that freedom comes not through stifling my hunger, but through embracing hunger. As I embrace hunger and take it to the Bread of Life, the One who alone can satisfy the emptiness in my soul, there will be freedom…REAL freedom.
by Heidi Bylsma | Dec 1, 2008 | Blog
The primary text for this lesson is found in Romans 12:1-2:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
For me, this lesson summarizes the very reason why I chose to do The Lord’s Table workbook at this time.
If I change my eating habits (which I have), if I lose all the extra weight (which I have), but am not transformed from the INSIDE out, then the changes will be temporary at best and not the type of change that matters most. What matters MOST is my heart. This isn’t about my food or weight. I see no place in scripture where God says “Thou shalt not weigh 185 pounds…or 250 pounds.” I DO see many scriptures about my heart, surrender, not being greedy or idolatrous…THESE are the things that I want to be sure I deal with by the grace and power of the Holy Spirit.
I choose this day to offer my body to God, yes…I will be a living sacrifice. But not just my body, but my mind. Therefore, I will not minimize a choice in the moment. I will agree with God that this moment matters as in this moment, I can make a choice. That choice can add another layer of hard callus tissue to my heart, or it can soften my heart. In a moment, I can do something that matters that much.
Every moment matters. I will choose to allow the Lord to renew my mind and transform me from within.
by Heidi Bylsma | Nov 24, 2008 | Blog
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 is the primary text for this lesson.
The author shows that this passage teaches that two working together can produce spiritual fruit (v. 9), that it can provide spiritual restoration (v. 10), prompt spiritual zeal (v. 11), and provide spiritual protection (v. 12).
He provides compelling arguments that if we are serious about releasing weight and the behaviors and attitudes that have gotten us into trouble we have to have to have to be willing to have an up front, in your face, speaking the truth in love, accountability partner.
Some time back, I posted to my blog about this very thing. You can read that entry here.
Mike Cleveland in The Lord’s Table workbook, points out that when in accountability:
“You agree to openness and honesty. Bondage to overeating brings deception with it; some of us have been deceptive for years. If we want to lose the slavery to sin it starts with honesty, even if it is humbling.” (TLT p. 49)
I have found this to be so true and YES, I DO have an accountability partner. Every winter, I know for a fact I need one, but this time, she landed in my lap as a gift from Heaven to me from God. It is the most amazing story and I would NOT be surviving this time of literal emotional, spiritual, and previously physical withdrawal from my dependence on diet soda (I know that sounds dramatic, but what I have experienced is nothing short of an addict’s withdrawal symptoms!) without this amazing lady.
In September, I heard about a Thin Within group that was at a church not far from where my 83 year old mother lives. I emailed the contact person and said I would be more than eager to offer to support or help the group, sharing my experience and a bit about my testimony including my blog. The amazing thing is…the leader of the group lives in my SMALL TOWN community…and leads that group at that church even though it is about 45 minutes or so away from both of us! We met for breakfast in September and she boldly asked if I would be her accountability partner.
At that time, I was overwhelmed with life and wasn’t sure my husband would feel it wise for me to do that…I had NO idea just how much I WOULD NEED HER! I am grateful that my husband said he thought it would be fine since she was a real life contact and not just an email contact — there is something about seeing one another every so often that makes it more real or something.
This lady has been the real deal. Her honest seeking the Lord and his healing has so touched my heart. I have been blown away by how BADLY she wants this healing and how much she is willing to endure to get it. She is definitely living all the things Beth Moore taught about in the Breaking Free taping…even though she has never seen this material. This lady is willing to go after this and I know she IS breaking free. She WILL live in total freedom.
But in the past few weeks, as I have been trying to get through some emotional hurdles and do it without depending on diet soda, I have been SO blessed by her loving encouragement and her compassionate observations. Gosh, the lady is a therapist…the Lord knew I needed one!!!!
I know that I WILL make it through this difficult time with her support, prayers and counsel. She may have thought this was about HER, but God has used HER so much in my life already…and continues to. What a blessing.
I want that for everyone who wants to be free. I see why Mike Cleveland in this lesson is so adamant that we MUST be in accountability. Without it, we sort of are hedging our bets…we have an out…we can do something in secret…
I asked my husband last night to keep me accountable as well. I need to up the ante right now while I am struggling so much.
I also have decided to start using the hunger graphs again and to keep them on the dining table where the entire family can see them. This is SO humbling to me…I have tried NOT to do that in the past…and been mortified when someone in the family has scrutinized my hunger graph and said something to me about it. I am asking for that accountability now, though. I know I need it. My tendency to deceive has resurfaced (or maybe it was always there…).
I want TRUTH in the inward parts. I want my MIND to be renewed. I don’t want to long for food even inwardly. I want to LONG for God, to pant for HIM, to say with the psalmist with heart-felt genuine honesty:
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:25-26
