This is amazing…in a yucky way. I feel SO drawn to that scale in the closet in my daughter’s room. I mean, I really do. I look in the mirror right now and think I see my belly pooching out…and feel like I MUST weigh myself! This compelling URGE is disdainful to me and truly exposes how I have leaned on the scale for approval and more…

I can’t even pretend right now that I won’t give in. I guess I want to know if not weighing myself each day “works.” Boy…if that isn’t flawed thinking…

The other part of me says, “No, it isn’t flawed thinking. If I did weigh right now, and my weight was lower, then I could testify to that fact to everyone and they would know God is at work and we don’t need our scales…” Bruuuuther…. And I go on in my thinking, “And if my weight IS up, then I better know about it and DEAL with it right now!!!”

Now the logical question is…are my clothes fitting as if I have gained? No. They are still loose. I have thought about buying the next size down jeans. I live in jeans and mine are still baggy, but in a way (see the battle going on?), having BAGGY jeans feels like I won’t KNOW if I am pushing my weight back up…not until 10 pounds has been gained! So, again, I am left justifying it…bleah…

So, the other logical question is…have I been submitting my eating to the Lord? Well…yes and no. I haven’t been having Oreo Milkshakes…the food I have been fasting from as a demonstration of my freedom… I did reach for a single Oreo yesterday and put it back. That is huge…I had decided that it wasn’t a compromise to have AN Oreo if I was hungry and I was…but then when I grabbed it, I realized that deciding in that moment that it was ok, was not wise.

But in my other eating, I feel like I have eaten just a bit more than I had been…Instead of stopping when I am not hungry any more, I have eaten to that place just before I go beyond. I haven’t eaten over a 5, but it has been more food than I typically eat. For me, the feeling of food in my stomach isn’t very comfortable. Even though I can’t call it a “6” or uncomfortable, I don’t like that feeling. So I *had* been calling “no longer hungry” or more like a 3 my stopping place and even naming it a 5 for me.

But the past 3 days or so, I have been rationalizing that since that isn’t REALLY a 5, I can keep eating…

So maybe, my anxiety and even the nightmares I have been having about my size, food, and weight (I can’t believe I am having NIGHTmares about this stuff!!!) is a product of my Holy Spirit dwelling conscience saying I haven’t been submitting to the Lord in the way HE wants. If I were to repent, observe and correct, DO what I know I should, maybe I wouldn’t feel this compelling urge to get on the scale which…when I boil it down is STILL about:

“Have I gotten away with it?”

Hmm….

I wonder now…what will I do with all of this?