Boy…yesterday was horrible. I turned my back on the Lord–the lover of my soul. Ok, it didn’t start out as blatant rejection and a hard heart, but that is where it was by the end of the day! BAH!
I had terrible gas all day. Not sure why. That made it pretty tough to feel hunger. BUT, when in doubt, I know better than to just throw food down my throat. I used it as an excuse.
I was massively hungry between Sunday School and the church hour and had a donut. I think that was the last time I felt hunger all day long. :-/
Hubby wanted to go out for lunch and I told him I wouldn’t be hungry for a long while. At 1pm I thought I was hungry, though…briefly. But it went away and I should have waited. I decided to eat anyhow. I cut our burger so I had a tiny “half” off the side and fries, but I know I wasn’t eating 0 to 5, I just at it because.
Then throughout the day, I began to grab at tidbits of food. Not a lot, but that has never been the point. It isn’t the what or how much of the food. It is the WHY and the hardening of the heart when God whispers His desire to me.
I ended the night with mounds of salsa…which I justified as being the only way I eat vegetables. But GOD said NO! Again, I turned my back (and I KNEW I was turning my back)…and I chased the VERY hot salsa with ice cream…good grief.
There were two things that struck me powerfully:
1. The shame that came flowing freely back into my life. Wow.
2. The fact that pride really was at the root of all of this…doing what I wanted with my body, thank you very much.
There is NO room for these things in my life if I am to continue to walk FAITHFULLY with the Lord and live free forever.
So, today, observe and correct. If “gas” keeps the signals for hunger unclear, I won’t eat. Plain and simple. I will ask GOD if I can eat…and stop when he says. I will practice today having a soft heart and perhaps then I will once again. I have felt this rebellion coming on for a while. I should have been on my guard, but I guess I just didn’t WANT to be.