by Heidi Bylsma | Nov 27, 2006 | Blog
Now I know beyond any shadow of any doubt that God is doing a NEW THING! If I doubted it before, I can doubt no more.
In the Thin Within book, there has always been one thing that has been almost impossible for me to do…that is the “Mirror Mirror” exercise in Day 5. Even when I was first introduced to the material years ago and we were editing the manuscript…I couldn’t do it. The shame was just overwhelming. If you have the book, you will see the testimonies there…mine is similar to those shared, only I could not, for the life of me get past this exercise. I knew God WANTED me to be able to walk free of shame and complete (and learn from) the exercise. I KNEW he wanted me to be reconciled to my body. But it never happened.
Until today.
This morning, I completed day 4 and realizing what was ahead (Day 5 and this exercise) I knew I would have to plan to do it when the time was right. I didn’t want to put it off.
Basically, the exercise challenges the reader (me, in this case) to prayerfully look in the mirror and get to know my current body…by looking and touching…but doing so prayerfully praising God for all the ways my body has been used to serve God and other people. The hope is, of course, to be reconciled to my physical body, but also to have a clear view of how my body looks and feels now, so I can see the changes that occur when I compare again in 30 (or more days).
I have never been able to truly do this. I FORCED myself once and it was just too brutal for words.
So, when the kids were busy with school today, I stole some time. All was well. I began and it flowed. BEAUTIFULLY. Without going into all the details, I was able to praise God for the way He has used each part of my body for me to enjoy life, to serve Him, to serve others. I also was able to dispassionately view each part, touch each and evaluate…”Hmmm…my arms are a bit flabbier than I EVER remember them.” While this can be disheartening to one who has always had strong arms, I know that they are still strong, just carrying extra fat. That will change in time. It was really strange to literally withhold judgment. That isn’t my typical “M.O.”
I had two other experiences today that show God’s care in my life. I won’t go into details, but He has definitely been walking with me as I have returned to this path. It is the path that leads home. I know it well. It is familiar and yet this time it seems filled with such newness. I am so very relieved to be here, too.
by Heidi Bylsma | Nov 26, 2006 | Blog
God is faithful. Miracles never cease! I wonder at this change in my heart. God had to overcome some very serious obstacles. But he has caused me to literally be done with excuses for the past 4 weeks.
He used someone who loves horses and the Lord to invite me to faithfulness. I won’t go into that story now after all, as it was apparently just a stepping stone to get me where he now has me, walking again with Him, but…well….this is different. I wish I understood it.
In a way, I hope it is indication that he has delivered me. Dare I hope that? Hmm…
One thing God brought to my heart powerfully was that when I continue to indulge my fleshly lusts without regard for what my body needs (less food), I am indulging sinful lusts similar to the sex addict. I was living in fear that I would go to an early grave due to a heart attack or other obesity related reasons. I wondered what my husband would do to take care of our children (whom I homeschool). What would he do for our home, the horses and dogs? He would have a truckload of things to deal with.
That is when it struck me…this is what happens when the sexual addict continually indulges *his* lusts….families are torn apart. Maybe not by death, but in some ways, the aftermath is very similar…single parents left to figure out how to fill the holes in the lives of the children and home.
Boy, did that convict my heart.
Since that realization, I have been more motivated to fix my eyes on Jesus and the goal of bringing my body, the temple of the Holy Spirit, to as healthy state as possible.
It helps to find that Judy had me on her heart yet again…we are in communication again and I hope to be able to help her with the new thing that is LITERALLY going on with Thin Within!
by Heidi Bylsma | Nov 25, 2006 | Uncategorized
WARNING: This post contains mature content. Please read this only if the Holy Spirit directs you to do so. Stop if you feel a check in your spirit along the way.
Additionally, as you read, please know this…there is HOPE.
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Regarding the comment about being afraid to being thin…it touched off some thoughts…
Many of us do have subconscious fears of being thin. As crazy as it sounds!
The Halliday’s “Thin Again” book (note the difference in title…it is not Thin WITHIN, but Thin AGAIN) addresses deeper issues we may have as we proceed on this journey. An earlier copy can be had from many libraries. It was also originally released as “Silent Hunger.”
What I am about to share is rated R (well, not due to language, but definitely “mature content”). Maybe no one can relate to this. But a lot of women can from what statistics say!
Someone I know struggled and struggled with losing weight–100 pounds by the time she decided to do something drastic about it. She was a mom of young children. And decided to do whatever it would take to be rid of the weight. As she worked hard to lose the weight through many different ways, she realized that she hoped that maybe if she lost the weight her husband would be more interested in her…she realized that she assumed that his disinterest in intimacy in the bedroom with her had to be associated with her being overweight…. She finally allowed herself to hope that her marriage would be “perfect” in every way, if only she lost all her weight….it seemed to be 99.9% perfect at the time except for his disinterest in the bedroom. Given she was a lady who enjoyed this aspect of married life, this was a devastating thing for her. (I know many of us can’t relate!)
Over the course of a year, she lost the weight and got extremely fit. She worked out with weights, worked on becoming a certified fitness trainer and aerobics instructor. To tell it now, she says she actually became quite obsessive. Her heart got taken captive to the entire diet and exercise thing.
BUT…men began to pay attention.
That is…every man except her husband.
There she was, thin now, but with the devastating realization that the one thing she assumed was the reason for his disinterest in her…well, it wasn’t apparently the reason, after all. What could possibly BE the explanation? If her weight wasn’t what bothered him enough not to want intimacy in the bedroom…what could be the real reason?
She shared that she journaled some strange things in the subsequent months…about how there were things that she just felt her husband must be hiding. It was an impression she said she had…nothing she could really nail down. She said she had this distinct impression that he had been dishonest. She had recurrent nightmares about him being unfaithful. Yet when they were together, he never looked at another woman! They openly spoke about these things. Here was a man who was an elder in the church, everyone’s idea of a wonderful man and husband (including her own! she thought he was the best possible husband!)…She and her husband led marriage bible studies together! Yet she felt there was some deep dark secret lurking.
She had blamed herself –her weight for their problems…and now that it was no longer a viable reason it became obvious that something else was, apparently, the problem. This, in effect, caused her eyes to begin to be open…to look outward a bit.
It was then that her husband’s secret came to the forefront. He had a double life. In one, he was superman…In the other, he was engaging in inappropriate sexual experiences apart from his marriage bed. No, this wasn’t because she was heavy. He had lived this way since he was fourteen years old. She didn’t enter his life until he was 21. He was a sex addict and had been for the better part of 20 years.
Obviously she was devastated.
In speaking about this later, she related that she thinks she knew intuitively somewhere in her own mind that “their problem” didn’t have anything to do with her at all…but that she could blame it on herself as long as she remained overweight. She felt in retrospect that all of the indicators were there, but she was in denial to see it. After all, they loved the Lord, led marriage groups and so on. If their marriage had *any* trouble spots, it *had* to be her fault! She looked back and realized that being heavy was safer than the place she found herself once she was thin and attractive.
She realized when she was thin after working to get 100 pounds off, just how exposed she was. The problems remained…and the fog of denial lifted. She saw it….
So, yes…some of us may, in fact, subconsciously be afraid to be thin.
Others of us were violated as children and young adults. We found that boys and young men might stay away from us if we were chubbier. Our fat became our safety wall. 🙁
This isn’t everyone’s experience, of course. It might not be anyone’s here on this list (though statistics indicate that out of every 6 of us on this list at least 1 of us has been the victim of sexual abuse).
But, YES, there are some very REAL reasons we might have developed a real emotional attachment to being heavier than we hope to be….sometimes it is the best defense mechanism we have for a truth we may not feel ready to come to grips with.
But Jesus did say, it is the truth that sets us free. He waits to walk with us through the valley of the shadow of death.
In the book Thin Again, the authors invite us to peel away the layers of what they call the graveclothes. They invite us into what can be a very painful process, in fact. But as these graveclothes are peeled away, the new man that has been given life from the dead, may step forth. As Jesus said, “Lazarus, come forth!” He says that to each of us. Yet it is a process…..
Peeling the layers away may include the sort of stuff I have shared here or something totally different.
But we all have many reasons we struggle with releasing weight. And God wants to meet it all with his cleansing grace.
Hugs,
Heidi
by Heidi Bylsma | Nov 16, 2006 | Uncategorized
Isaiah 43: 18-19 says:
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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For years, God has been doing “A New Thing” in my life, yet I haven’t been willing to participate. This web log is here to chronicle my return to Him, the opening of my eyes and the submission of my heart.
Specifically, He is using my struggle to give my perception of food, eating, my body to Him, to remind me again that I need him as much as the air I breathe–no, more.
This will be a journal of my journey to walk with Him as he does a heart transplant, renews my mind and my thinking.
I will log applying myself specifically to the principals found in the book, Thin Within, written by Arthur and Judy Halliday.
I will write more later of how this day has come to be…and my optimism about the future. There is much to say!
Lord, I submit my heart to be transplanted. Take it and place a heart in me that loves you, that desires you, that seeks to glorify you in all things. Renew my mind. “Word of God speak…” Please transform me. In the Name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
by Heidi Bylsma | Nov 15, 2006 | Blog
I am going to be posting some things that I sent to the Thin Within Support list. I would like to have a chronicle of my journey all in one spot. So some of these posts are older…from before I started this blog, if that makes sense! LOL!
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God has been showing me just how many old (bad) habits I have returned to. Yesterday was my first full-fledged day of being willing to submit to eating between the parameters of hunger and fullness in a LONG time! I found myself mindlessly grabbing a catalog to read at the table while eating and realized that I needed a chance to enjoy my meal with God as my only company, not a silly catalog!
Focusing on what I was eating with a grateful heart helped me stop when I wasn’t hungry any more! YAY! If I had been reading that catalog, I am sure I would have “cleaned my plate” which was a partial portion from a previous dinner out. Thing was…even a partial portion of a previous dinner out was too much food. Thankfully, my brain was engaged and my heart was willing to submit when I had had enough. This is a big victory for me. Even caring is a big victory, I must admit.
The entire day wasn’t perfect, certainly, but three steps forward and one back is still progress! I can observe and correct by God’s grace!
Have a wonderful day.
Heidi
