by Heidi Bylsma | Jun 19, 2012 | Blog
In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps.
– Proverbs 16:9
During my quiet time this morning, Proverbs 16:9 struck me afresh. No matter how much “predictability” I may feel life has, no matter how much I have structured things, it is actually God alone who has things completely planned and figured out.
I had no idea when I read that this morning, just how this would flesh out.
Knowing that my mom has been lingering, rallying, lingering, rallying in various stages of health, slowly heading toward a transition out of this life, yesterday, at church, a good friend suggested I write a letter to my Mom. She suggested that if I had the chance, I could then read it to her, even as she sleeps.
I liked the idea and knew I needed to carve time into my overly-stuffed schedule to do that. How would I find the time? Mom’s condition, I was told, could last a long while…and there were things on the calendar that had to be done.
I got up early this morning, having arranged to take our family dogs to meet a lady in Fair Oaks (about an hour away) who would be their “sitter” in when we take Daniel to college in Montana. I knew this was likely a half-day project.
I went to bring the Yukon XL up–the only vehicle we take the dogs any place in–and the tire was as flat as a pancake. I couldn’t figure out how that was possible, given we had used it for a Father’s Day family outing just last night!
Upon close inspection, my husband found a screw in the relatively new tire. LSo, the schedule had to be rearranged (thankfully, the dog sitter was flexible!)—I needed that tire fixed. I would have to go “down the hill” about 40 minutes’ drive for that to happen.
I was reminded that Proverbs 16:9 is TRUE. I can plan my day out but the Lord, in His wise sovereignty, is going to order my specific steps.
Hubby used some “Fix a Flat” and an air compressor to get the tire safe enough to drive down to Roseville. While I waited for the terrific guys at America’s Tires to repair the flat, I had time to type up my letter to Mom on my iPad. It was a great exercise, reminding me of many blessings that have come to me through my mom.
After the tire was repaired, I had no doubt what I needed to do. I just “happened” to be only 10 minutes away from where my mom was staying. The letter just “happened” to be written. Thanks to a random screw in a brand new tire, I just “happened” to have enough time to be able to visit her. Seems like something other than “chance” was at work here. God was definitely ordering my steps.
Off I went.
When I arrived at my mom’s place, a hospice nurse greeted me: “I am so glad you are here. Your mom is close to the end.” To be honest, I was surprised. But then I realized that this was precisely what God had ordained for this day, this time.
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| Rosalie Gianino Hattersley, February 5, 1926-June 18, 2012 |
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So, I entered her room and with tears and laughter I shared my letter with a sleeping Mother.
Hi Mom,
I came here today to be sure you know this one thing: It is ok to leave this life if you are called. This world isn’t your real home…heaven is! If you are having a hard time letting go, I want to just tell you some things that might make you feel better about letting go.
First, Mom, I know you have felt guilty for a lot of the things you did in your life…as we all do. I know a lot of these have to do with mistakes you made in raising me. I want you to know…these things are forgiven. Not only do I forgive you, but more importantly, Jesus forgives you. GOD forgives you. All of the things that you have regrets about and even those things you may have forgotten…no one else is holding on to them, so please don’t you hold on to them either. Let them go! Break free from those things!
Secondly, there is so much I am thankful for that I haven’t told you about previously. I want to do that now. Thank you for loving your grandchildren the way you have. You took them fun places, let us swim in your pool all the time–they have only happy memories of being at Grandma Rosalie’s house! They loved the adventures you took them on to Capital Aquarium (like you did me when I was little!) and to the park. I got a much needed break any time you took them for a couple of hours and for that, I am very thankful, too. I know you didn’t agree with some of the things I did to raise them, but your own mother didn’t agree with the way you raised me, so I guess that is par for the course! J
Daniel and Michaela have wonderful memories of special dolls, car play sets, videos and books, that they got to enjoy *only* at Grandma’s house. They appreciated the ice cream bars and hugs and kisses most of all. Thank you for being one of the best grandmas in the world to my babies! They are going off to college now and may just meet their future husband and wife. I can only hope that I will be as wonderful and fun a grandma to their babies as you have been to them!
Mom, I want to tell you some of the happy memories I have about my own childhood, too, so that you know that I have positive things that I am pondering today. I remember playing with “Goop” and “Creepy Crawlers” out on the back patio. I remember long swims at Lake of the Pines (before there were many houses there!), hikes in Desolation Wilderness, fun at Stanford Sierra camp and singing in choirs when I was still in 3rd grade.
I loved holidays at our house–the extended family gathered for Christmas and fourth of July. You were such a great hostess. I loved Tiny Tots preschool…it is amazing that I still remember it and Virginia Young, my preschool teacher. I had a great education at Sacramento Country Day school, even though I know that the cost of a private education came only with many sacrifices you had to make. Thank you for that. You raised me knowing that God was real and even though I didn’t understand Jesus provided life for me by dying on the cross for me until Leslie told me about that part when I was 15, I nevertheless had a rich foundation because of the early years spent at Sunday school and church. I have had a love for the bible ever since I can remember and even in third grade, at Calvin Crest Camp, I bought my own copy of Good News For Modern Man…must be because of that foundation you gave me!
I know I gave you a hard time about practicing piano–I hated practicing, but now I am so thankful for that musical foundation as I understand chording and harmony and what notes work in different keys. Gosh, I can read music—so many aren’t so blessed!—and it is because of those early piano lessons–first with Mrs. Lang and then Mrs. Carver. Thank you for that. There were drama lessons and ballet lessons (which I hated, but I am still appreciative of you having me try it out) and tap dancing lessons. The recitals and shows all through the years I grew up, the carpooling and driving me all over to Rio Linda for horse lessons. Thank you for all of that, Mom. So much of who I am and what I value today is rooted in you having gone an extra mile (or many) and made sacrifices of time and money so that I could have opportunities to learn and enjoy new skills.
I know there are many things I have forgotten…oh! Like the horse camp I went to for two weeks and I loved going to Washington to stay with Caral Beaver and her family for two summers. And all the different sports that you always encouraged me to be involved in. I never doubted that I could be an athlete! Even as a girl! How could I forget! The tennis lessons that you paid for and chauffeured me to! Thank you for that. Gosh…when I think of how important tennis is to me today and how much joy I get out of it…thank you so much for those early tennis lessons with Bob Mitchell and then with Mike Reid. What ever would I do now without tennis!? J
See? There are so many things that I am thankful for about you. So, Mom, I hope that these are the things you ponder as you drift in and out of sleep now. Just like it says in Philippians 4:8…
Finally…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.
I hope these wonderful memories are the ones you turn your mind to, Mom.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I am going to be ok if you let go to the embrace of Jesus, Mom. He will greet you with peace forevermore! I also believe the animals you have loved will be there to greet you as well. And lots of people that you have loved and have missed. Phyllis, Bob’s mom is there…and bodies are whole…yours will be, too! It will be great!
A couple more Scriptures I want to encourage you with, Mom:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV84)
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
-Revelation 21:1-4 (NIV84)
Mom, I love you. Be at peace. Fare well in the arms of Jesus.
—–
After reading this to my mom (and some added commentary), I kissed her and left. I called my sister about 11:00 am from the porch at Sunrise Senior Living in Rocklin—a wonderful place to live, by the way. I drove home and within moments of posting to Facebook, my sister called and told me mom had died just an hour after I read those words to her.
I am in awe of the gift that God gave me…that he determined my steps today would be different than the course I had planned ahead of time. I can’t tell you how loved and cared for I feel by a wonderful, intimate God. How he cares about the small details of my life. It boggles my mind. Most of all, I am thankful that my mom is now at peace in his embrace as he delights over her with singing.
by Heidi Bylsma | Apr 9, 2012 | Blog
If you have visited this blog for any time at all, you know that I celebrated a loss of 100 pounds using only the Thin Within principles…eating when hungry, stopping when no longer hungry, eating any food I wanted to, and not being involved in any exercise routine of any kind. Because of all the reasons I tended to want to eat aside from hunger, I learned to depend on God a whole lot to be my “portion” when heart hunger and head hunger called. These can’t be satisfied with physical food. During the time I released the weight, my walk with God deepened as I leaned on him for strength. So, from Nov. 2006 to Fall of 2007, I released 100 pounds of physical weight and emotionally and spiritually, I felt set free as well.
But what has happened since then?
Four and a half years later, I remain a healthy size. That is the good news.
But, I haven’t kept all 100 pounds off. I think there was something magical about “100” pounds for me…the number became almost more important than anything else. I don’t think that was where I was supposed to land for the rest of my life. So being that thin isn’t God’s “ideal size” for me.
In fact, last year at this time, I saw just how easy it was for me to be obsessed with weight, size and exercise again! I revisited an obsession I hadn’t known in over 15 years! I exercised 2 hours a day in addition to the tennis I was playing. That clearly was out of line.
Truthfully, since 2007, my size has fluctuated. I have remained a healthy size during all that time, but there IS in fact, a lot of work yet that God is doing regarding how I view food and my body. I am definitely still a work in progress.
In my rather lengthy dieting history before 1999 (when I stopped dieting), I never stayed a healthy size for more than a year once the weight was lost, let alone almost five! So I continue to celebrate the fact that I am still a healthy size! WHOO HOO! It is, after all, so easy to beat myself up (even now!) for ways I fall short.
I thought I would share with you some of the struggles I do have…
- “Nutritionally dense” foods are not my preferred fare. I am stuck in Phase 1 of Thin Within most of the time…the “Freedom Phase.” Since much of my childhood abuse was focused on food, I do try to extend some measure of grace to myself about not eating raw carrots or green salad. Truthfully, I only like vegetables in salsa and well-cooked stew or soup! I hope to “grow up” relative to my eating preferences.
- This continues to be a journey of my heart–much more so than of the body. It doesn’t take much for me to rush back to the comfort that I have found in food over the course of my life–maybe not with the abandon and zeal of my former years, but the thinking is still there…or there again.
- I got rid of my bathroom scale at least four years ago at the encouragement of my accountability partner at the time. It was a great choice then, but right now I am drawn to the added accountability of numbers! This BUGs me–the truth is, I know if I am eating according to the boundaries God has given me without a bathroom scale! If I eat according to those boundaries, I need not fear weight gain. If I don’t eat according to those parameters, I know I will likely “find” weight that was “lost.” Numbers are so motivating because they are so instant. But I want a heart that is transformed…both in terms of how I think of food and what is most important to me–heart change or body change? I could use the numbers of the scale to be motivated more to stay focused on 0 to 5 eating, but the expense to my heart might be rather high…I might become obsessed with weight–numbers–again. I don’t want to go there! Goodness! I am over-thinking this, I am sure. I just want to be normal!
- Fear has a grip on me again (still?). (I am sure that is obvious! LOL!) I live in fear that I will weigh 250 pounds again. I want to value having a heart change more than a body change…but honestly, I don’t live with such noble motivations much of the time. :-/ I know God wants to renew my thinking in this. I am even more fearful because of my role in the Thin Within company and with a possible book project (being pitched this month)–if I am going to be connected with “Thin” anything, I better be sure not to blow it and not be a healthy size! How is that for godly, deep, thinking?
Here is a photo that hubby took on Saturday…his newest hobby is photography and the silly man likes to take pictures of things in motion the most, it seems. I tend to be his primary “subject.” It definitely keeps me “honest.” So one more thing I guess I struggle with…when I see this photo, I see “fluffy.” I don’t like that. I want to see hardened, athletic muscles! I know this is something that God wants to change in my thinking, too. Somewhere between “fat acceptance” and “obsession with thin” is a place where I honor God with my eating, worship with joyful movement of my body, delight in who HE is, and who He is making me to be!
Well, there you have it. The truth tossed out on the table. So, though I have kept off most of the weight, though I am a healthy size, my mind is definitely stuck in a place that I don’t think is healthy for me! I need to “lose” the old mindset!
But I am optimistic that God is doing a new thing even now! I refuse to live in condemnation because I don’t “do this” perfectly. He is sanctifying me, one babystep at a time!
How about you? Can you relate to any of the struggles I have listed? What new thing is God possibly doing in you right now?
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 1, 2012 | Blog
The fog has cleared. I look around, taking stock.
How did I get here? I wonder.
How did I stray so far from where the Lord had brought me?
There can be no doubt that the past 18 months have brought uncharted difficulties in my life–like a raging sea with occasional calm:
- Facing an 86 year old Mom who, one day engages in conversation and the next looks at me with confusion, and cries: “Where is mother?” Has opportunity for restoration passed?
- Evaluating the ramifications of an empty nest as my “biggest fan” heads off to Wheaton College in the fall…Lord, is she ready? Have I taught her enough?
- Putting the pieces of a 27-year-long marriage back together after the demon of depression had it’s way with my best friend and hero for 15 months. How can I trust again, Lord?
- Wondering what will become of my socially challenged son as he, too, heads off (against his will) to Montana Wilderness School of the Bible to experience community and whatever God has for him there. Will he ever be “normal,” Lord?
And with these challenges (and more) have returned old habits that I thought (in pride) were ancient history. Apparently not. Try as I might to deny it, what I see is that I have turned back to food once again to be my “comforter.” I have turned a cold shoulder and shaken a fist at the Lord who loves me with an attitude of entitlement and rebellion: I deserve better!
I struggle with defeat.
I am supposed to be beyond this. I lead Thin Within classes! I write material for the company! Sheesh! I even have one of the best literary agents in the business and new plans for a book to help women on this journey….and yet, here I am…struggling with this…again? Or is it STILL, Lord? How can I pretend to have anything to offer others when I am here? Worse…how can YOU stand me!? I can hardly stand myself! Such hypocrisy!
I go to the Word of God. Renew my mind, Lord.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.
~ Psalm 107:19-21
God lovingly leads me to ancient pages. Such wisdom, such love, such grace and mercy flow off of the page, dripping, it seems into the ache of my heart. Forgive me, Lord. I have looked to counterfeits for what only you can give. You alone hold the answers and Comfort I need. Thank you for your unfailing love, for your kindness and all you do for me…
Deuteronomy soothes me:
But if from there you seek the LORD your God,
you will find him if you look for him
with all your heart and with all your soul.
When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you,
then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him.
For the LORD your God is a merciful God;
he will not abandon or destroy you
or forget the covenant with your forefathers,
which he confirmed to them by oath.
~ Deuteronomy 4:29-31
Today, is a day to return and obey. I have a merciful, loving God who doesn’t abandon me, even in my rebellion. He intends these trials to lead me to greater reliance on Him. Today, I will cooperate with Him. I will link arms with Him. I will walk with Him.
How about you? Is it time to take stock? Have you been using food for something other than what it is intended? Is God beckoning, wooing you back to Himself?
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 18, 2012 | Blog
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
~ Psalm 131:2
Yesterday is yesterday. It is gone, past. It wasn’t like the day before and it is different from what today will hold. I choose to learn from it.
So, today as I rest in God’s presence, I feel a conviction in my heart. I know I need to bring something to him for his cleansing. At first, I feel like it is the food–my eating. Yesterday was a day filled with a lot of emotionally draining situations. Truthfully, I didn’t quiet myself with my meals…not at all. But as I evaluate, I realize that if I didn’t eat within my physical boundaries, I was close to it.
But what I *do* realize is that I didn’t quiet my heart. I didn’t really BE STILL. I didn’t follow the call of God found in Isaiah 30:15, that “in repentance and rest, is your salvation. In quietness and trust, is your strength.” I tried to find strength on my own…and that is defective. No wonder I was so spent.
A lot faced me yesterday. Each one of the situations individually would have been challenging, but it was a day filled with one thing after the other…four HUGE things.
As I look back on yesterday, then, I want to allow God, invite the Spirit, to invade my thinking. To, again, change the way I think–even in retrospect.
Lord, I thank you that I find strength when I am quiet, repent, rest and trust IN YOU. I tried to navigate the emotional and situational challenges of yesterday with my own strength and it didn’t work. Lord, sometimes it feels like being still and knowing you are God is a waste of time I could be using to get things done. Wow! Such arrogance. Thank you that you forgive me for that. You have said in your Word that being still provides strength. I choose your way, Lord. Today, I know I need your strength, too. Change my thinking, Lord. Transform me. Renew my mind. Being still in your presence is the most power-infusing place I can be. You will be magnified. My life is totally beyond me. I need you today. I choose to quiet my soul right now. Be Lord in me, in my life today. Here is my hand, Lord. I choose to walk with you. Thank you, Jesus, that you make it possible. Amen.
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 13, 2012 | Blog
I have an accountability partner who is amazing. God is so gracious in giving her to me. I don’t know if she would want to be mentioned by name, so I won’t just yet. But I hope to introduce you to her one day.
Under her guidance and discipleship, really, I am learning to speak short (well, relatively! LOL!), direct statements, declaring TRUTH about my eating and living.
Today, I had an “eating occasion” that had nothing to do with 0 to 5 eating (eating between the parameters of physical hunger and satisfaction). I decided to renew my mind (in the way my partner recommends) this afternoon and these truths are the ones I want to wrap my mind around. Can you identify with any of them following an “eating occasion” that you regret?
TRUTH: This way of behaving is NOT in line with godly goals of being Christlike.
TRUTH: Eating what I want when I want doesn’t get me what I really want—which is to be more like Jesus!
TRUTH: I am CALLED to make sacrifices in love for the Lord, but also for the people to whom He has called me to minister.
TRUTH: Obeying the Lord actually delights my heart. The “deprivation” I feel at the moment is followed by a bunch of moments of a full heart, rejoicing that I gave that tempting moment to Christ.
TRUTH: I am forgiven in Christ.
TRUTH: I am a new creature in Christ.
TRUTH: I DO care.
TRUTH: I don’t have a right to this body of mine at all…it belongs to Christ. He purchased it…with his blood.
TRUTH: I need to practice what I preach.
TRUTH: There is NO condemnation toward me.
TRUTH: I must be gentle with myself remembering babysteps get me there.
TRUTH: I don’t like how I feel when I overeat and the long-term ramifications are a bummer, too.
TRUTH: Jesus is after my heart.
TRUTH: He is using my struggle with food to make me utterly dependent on Him.
TRUTH: I want to cooperate with His plan for my life.
TRUTH: I want to be faithful.
TRUTH: Waiting until I am hungry to eat is a GODLY BOUNDARY that I value.
TRUTH: Eating in a calm environment, reducing distractions—internally and externally—before I allow a bite to pass my lips and as I eat—will help me. It is a boundary worth keeping.
TRUTH: Praising God before I eat actually fills my soul and defeats “desire eating” (outside of hunger).
TRUTH: Eating while sitting helps me be more peaceful. It is a boundary I value. I believe God wants me to keep this boundary, too.
TRUTH: I am not “overspiritualizing” this since I know that 1 Corinthians 10:31 says that whether I eat or drink I can do it ALL to the glory of God. (Implying that I can also eat or drink in a way that doesn’t glorify him!)
TRUTH: I want to eat only once my mind and body are relaxed, even if it means being hungry a bit longer…to be sure I am aware and calmly enjoying my food.
TRUTH: I will eat and drink things I enjoy…(that isn’t really a problem for me). I want to learn to weigh carefully what I choose and be a bit more selective. Lord, please heal me of my tendency to be a sweet-a-holic.
TRUTH: Paying attention to my food instead of also reading or watching something or surfing with my iPad when I am eating is valuable for helping me “record” the experience as an eating experience.
TRUTH: Eating slowly, savoring each bite can help me grow in gratitude toward the Lord for the amazing flavors and textures that he has invented as well as help me to eat less. I will also eat less too.
TRUTH: Stopping before I am full is a happy place to stop. I end up eating with joy and stopping with joy and continuing on with my day/evening with joy. It is worth it.
TRUTH: Adhering to these truths/boundaries is something I want to do and is extremely rewarding. What I suffer when I violate my boundaries is NOT worth the short-term “joy” I have when I violate them. The short-term sacrifices that I make to adhere to my boundaries are sooooo worth the pay-off!
So…which of these can YOU identify with? 🙂
